Wednesday, July 18, 2018

Grab My Heart #19


Throttled with grief from her boyfriend’s death, Seventeen-year-old Sam is given an opportunity to see him in an eccentric city called VOLT but as she sets out, with two other teens grieving lost ones, the lies that hold her life together sabotage her efforts to find him.

My fingers caress the nearest cloud to me. The wisps of cottony fluff are the gentlest texture imaginable. Beauty this resplendent is reserved for those who see the world in its true form - through shards of distorted glass, through shrieks of light and darkness, through chaos, and madness.

This is my existence. My reality is wrapped in white, soft all over, and a cacophony of sounds assault me. Yet, it’s silent at the same time.

A pink fleshed baby piglet wiggles its twisted tail to where I sit. My lips part in a strain to smile. Except the task is too great. My mouth collapses back to nothing as I sit perched on the billowy cloud.

A consuming pain shatters the peace around me. It’s a razor slicing through delicate skin, drawing crimson droplets so bright it aches to look away.

My cloud dissipates into a fine mist. I contemplate what’s before me.

I stand, nearly nose-dive to the wood floor in my living room, but straighten before I collide. With my long legs, I pace from the black sofa to the bay window overlooking the front of our house.
I peer out for the tenth time in the span of a few minutes. The lawn is bare and in need of watering. Dying from lack of nutrients and care. Weeds suffocate the delicate fuchsia flowers that once blossomed like proud exhibitions of beauty that once lay inside the house.

I’m hopeful Ryan’s beaten-up car will come spluttering to a stop in our circular driveway.


  1. First off I have to say I love the imagery you paint! Bravo! Your pitch seems too long, try shortening it up. For example her boyfriend dies but she can see him again? THAT grabbed my attention, make that front and center. Also I'd explain what VOLT is a little clearer. Is it a virtual reality place you can see dead friends? I feel if you explain it a little better, it will help set the time period/place.
    I'm also not sure what exactly is happening to her on the cloud. Is it a virtual reality world? A dream, or is she traveling? The piglet also confuses me. I'd add a sentence or two that gives the reader a grounding. For example: I pressed the keypad to lower my virtual self, or I switched off my headset, or I awoke from my dream.

  2. Your pitch grabbed my attention immediately. It made me wonder if this was going to be a ghost story, and I love these kinds of stories! Even if not a ghost story, the pitch made me want to read the passage, so yay for that!

    I was pretty confused, though, after reading the first part, and then suddenly the setting changed. If you could clear that up and let the reader know how and why the setting changed, it would really help.

    Best wishes with this, because I love the premise.