Wednesday, July 18, 2018

Grab My Heart #9


In MIND BENDERS: DEAD AIR, a young dancer—IZZY SHERIDAN—trades in her ballet shoes for combat boots in her quest to find her missing friend. Along the way, she kisses the wrong guy, falls in love and transforms herself into a deadly assassin.

November 20, 2055...

Sweat drips from my forehead and into my eyes. I blink it away and shove off my stool to stand in the corner of the ring.

    As the room falls silent, my face appears on the Megascreen along the far wall and the crowd erupts in a cacophony of hostile boos. My ears ring in response and the voice in my head warns me to 'Show no fear'. My eyes lock onto the screen as I watch my expression morph from uncertainty into one of detachment. It's an unfamiliar look for me.

    There's no love for the underdog here. I get it. I'm not favored to win this bout. I'm considered an amateur. Too green to still be standing.

    On the screen, flashing beside my name—Isla Sheridan—is a giant neon number two: my position in the ranking order. I don't need a reminder.

    I suck in a breath and gag a little on the stench of sweat and grime.

    The bell rings for round five.

    I exhale.

    We shuffle to the center.

    I'm the first to go the distance with my opponent. I'm not certain who is more surprised—me, her, or the audience of cadets who have filed into the training arena to watch the matches. Speculative gazes filled with malice follow me, and I wonder who they hate more, me or Vika.

     We are equally battered and bruised, sweat-soaked and determined.

     My determination holds me upright, propelling me forward.


  1. I love the pitch. You've done a really good job balancing the action with exposition in this opening scene. I would definitely read more.

  2. I think your pitch is clear and hits all the buttons making me want to know more. Your opening scene is full of action and intrigue. Great job.

  3. Excellent start! You hit all points early on, character name, place, date, etc. Only suggestion I can think of if you could add a sentence at the beginning about WHY she's fighting. Give a hint of insight as to why she's there. and/or whether she wants to be there. Something to prove...? Bored? Anger control issues? Just a little sentence or two I think would clarify her better for the reader.

  4. I really like the first sentence of your pitch, but I don't think the second is as effective as it could be. I think a pitch is supposed to explain the main story conflict - why the character's goal is going to be hard to achieve and what is at stake. The second sentence, while nicely written, seems instead to just list events that happen in the story.

    I liked the first page. It doesn't spell everything out, but I didn't think it was confusing. It sounds to me like she's in a boxing match, was the underdog, and is doing much better than everyone expected. I'd keep reading a couple more pages to find out exactly what is going on.