Wednesday, July 18, 2018

Grab My Heart #16

GENRE: MG Fantasy

To save Dragon Valley from human invasion, Wingfinger, a misfit dragon must find the strength to believe in himself or lose his beloved homeland.

     All summer, Wingfinger dreaded this day. It was the first session of his Level II training, and he’d be tested on his flying and fire-spewing skills. He’d rather stay home and read myth scrolls; actually, he’d even prefer to clean out the latrine, but training was mandatory.

     As soon as he arrived, his stomach in knots, he noticed an unsettling smell. The foul odor grabbed the scent glands on the roof of his mouth, and he covered his nostrils with his myth scroll. His long snout puckered. EW! Smells like rotten gryphon eggs.

      Branches crackled. A red and bronze figure moved in the forest surrounding the north end of the village green. He squinted and lifted his golden wing, straining to identify the oddity amid the dense trees surrounding Dragon Valley.


     Wingfinger shrugged and stuffed the scroll back into his side-pouch. He straightened out his wings, puny even for a Wyvern dragon, and turned away from the thick patch of tangled trees. He inhaled deeply; the odor assaulted his nose and made his eyes water.

     Flap-flap. Flap-flap. Flap-flap. Three dragons looped and twirled above Wingfinger’s head. A long-snouted Dreki with backward curling hopper horns, dropped down and shot flames at the other dragons. Fireballs blazed through the air. A Colchian retaliated, his three tongues sputtering whirlwind flashes of fire as he bobbed his crested head.

     Wingfinger perked-up his ear flaps. “Hey!” He shook his longer wing to get their attention, but none of the dragons waved back.


  1. Your pitch is nice, but it's more of a lesson or summary than a pitch. What is the conflict for your MC, what does he have to do to get that something, and what happens if he doesn't? Why doesn't your dragon believe in himself?
    Your writing is good, and this certainly sounds like a children's story, so well done, but maybe start with him noticing what's around him instead of the smell? Just a thought... Good luck!

  2. This is a really interesting concept. I've seen lots of stories with dragons in them, even ones with dragons that can speak, but this is the first time I've seen a story entirely from the dragons' perspective. So points for originality there.

    I'm not clear on how Wingfinger is a misfit, though I'm getting the sense he's a book worm and that's not really the popular thing to be. I'd love to see more of his voice come out in the text.

    A note about this line: "EW! Smells like rotten gryphon eggs." Either put it in past tense or italics if it's quoting his thoughts.

    Best of luck with this!