Wednesday, July 18, 2018

Grab My Heart #11

GENRE: MG Fantasy

            In the elven afterlife, sleep replenishes magic. Twelve-year-old Madelece, an insomniac, desperately wants to fix what's broken about her, so she'll regain Mother's love. But when Mother creates a remedy, Madelece's friends go missing. Now she must decide if Mother's love is worth the gruesome price.

           Madelece took a deep, calming breath before she climbed out of her canoe and pulled it onto the sand. She scanned the plain oak canoes anchored to the shore by Luck, until she spotted Mother’s.

           Earthworms of anxiety knotted in Madelece’s belly. She'd been awake most of the night, so her Luck today was sporadic at best. 

          Mother would notice.
          She turned back to her canoe. “Madelece says, Stay.” Her voice sounded strong and sure. Reaching down, she gave the boat a small test push, and it scooted back into the water. Jinx! Thank the Owls no one saw her failure. Quickly, she grabbed the edge before it floated away. Her maple tea was in there—and she would need every drop of sugary goodness to get her through this—along with the cloak her papa had made for her.

          Father, she reminded herself. Not Papa. Mother liked her to call him Father.

          Once she found the in-case-of-no-Luck rope she kept hidden under the seat, she tied it to a nearby tree, securing her canoe. She shivered and shook down her hair over her shoulders—it was cooler in the Valley than where her papa lived on the fringe of Ilfar Isle. A lance of sunlight turned copper strands to bright orange; she shoved them back, out of sight. 

           Madelece gathered her satchel and maple tea, then took a nervous sip. The healers had to cure her sleeplessness. They just had to. Then Mother would be proud of her.


  1. I really like this. The concept is fascinating, and the middle grade voice comes through really well. I like that you've told us so much about the main character and her life just in these opening scenes. I would definitely read more.

  2. I like the concept. Also, the fact that Mother seems more like an Odin-all father figure is very cool.

    The writing is good and the scene sets up well. I'd say you have a bit of Enid Blyton about you. Would definitely read on

  3. Your pitch is full of intrigue. I would want to know more. I love fantasy and magic. The Mother character sounds ominous and scary. I'm thinking evilstep mom...

  4. Sleep regenerating magic is a unique concept, and this has a creepy sort of feel which is probably what you were after. I was scratching my head over your Luck references. First is sounded like a place, then about her luck in general, and then sounded like the name she called her rope. Good luck!

  5. This is really a fascinating premise that's very eerie! I can totally see myself reading this.

    My only criticism is about your first 250 words:

    I think you need a stronger opening line. And some of the lines were confusing. For example: "She scanned the plain oak canoes anchored to the shore by Luck, until she spotted Mother’s." I noticed Luck is capitalized the entire time, so is it supposed to be like an entity or like a superpower? This other line was confusing, too. "She turned back to her canoe. “Madelece says, Stay.” So is she talking in third-person about herself? I think if you clear up a few of those things, this will definitely be a solid start :)