Wednesday, July 18, 2018

Grab My Heart #21

TITLE: Violet Ray and The Magnetic Pole Reversal
GENRE: MG Science Fiction

When a cosmic event crashes the Earth’s power grid, a young scientist and humanoid cat must stop invaders from destroying their island to control the world’s energy.

Violet woke with a snort. She sat up and looked at her hands. The same. She pulled up her sleeves. Her arms had the same orange freckles and dark brown skin.  Maybe…she took a quick peek under her shirt. Not yet.

Jumping out of the large clamshell bed, she ran into her dressing room. She threw off a dirty lab coat hung on the mirror and looked intently. She bared her teeth and stared with big, green eyes at her freckled face and unruly purple hair. Tying her hair on top of her head, she turned away. Nothing has changed!

Disappointed, she grabbed the closest lab coat on the floor and slipped into sneakers. Putting her pants over the shoes proved cumbersome. When she stopped to take off the shoes first, she thought, There’s still the whole day! Maybe something will happen when her mother was there. She liked to observe everything “to experience the science.” Violet was used to being examined every minute of the day.

Bounding down the DNA spiral stairs, she spotted her mother’s black-haired topknot in the lab and ran over to her.

“Good morning!” Violet said cheerfully, scanning the dozens of beakers on the silver lab table. She picked up a beaker with shimmery ooze moving slowly around inside. “This is almost ready.”
Her mother, wearing a crisp, white lab coat looked over Violet’s crumpled lab coat with a wild print of amoebas before she took the beaker. “No working today. I have a surprise.”


  1. Cool sounding pitch! I can't help but think the humanoid cat would be rather prickly, too, lol! As for your story, you should never start with someone just waking up. This is a big pet peeve of agents, so beware. There's also no need to tell everything your character does. Maybe start with her making a face at her appearance since it's unique? Then go to her interaction with her mother to set up the conflict. Good luck!

  2. Love the pitch. I felt like you can cut quite a bit and make it more active...also you used "she" a lot. I like the hint of humor!
    Screen name-Shelley

  3. I'm torn regarding the opening. Susan's right that opening with a waking character is widely warned against. At the same time, it seems like sleeping was part of a specific experiment relevant to the plot, so starting with the character waking up might be the right choice despite the usual guidelines.

    Otherwise, the opening introduces an interesting character with her scientific mindset, which seems in vogue in MG of late.