Wednesday, July 18, 2018

Grab My Heart #28

TITLE: The Forgotten Name
GENRE: YA Fantasy

When Quinn Garner was ten years old, he traveled to another world and stole an evil king’s magic. Seven years later, Quinn is forced to return to face the king when he rises again. Only, Quinn has no memory of this other world or the strange magic he once controlled.

The King of Nightmares stared out at a crumbling world from the highest point of a castle in the sky, awaiting news from his spies that even then were scouring the world for signs of the thief. Savior they called him. Hero. As if he was anything more than a common thief, as if he’d done anything short of stealing their world, tossing them aside as if they were nothing.

The thief had come like any other, in the dark of the night. His legend spread fast and the world bent to his whims. The magic that the king had spread through the world – millions of dark threads that let him see and feel and hear everything, keeping the world and its people under his control – had slipped away. Not one by one. Not slowly, over time, as the king worked to keep them. But overnight. All at once. One day, he was ruler, king, god. The next… he was nothing.

The king’s fists tightened as he turned to pace. He would be nothing no longer. He was still weak, still without power, but he was so much more than a simple thief. He knew better now. Years had passed and he was stronger, smarter. He understood his enemy. He knew what he had to do. It’d all be so simple, in the end.

It was time for the king to rise again, and the thief — the hero — would lose this time.

3 comments:

  1. I enjoyed your pitch, but was slightly confused when the first 250 words were from the King's perspective. Is it going to switch perspectives? Be omniscient? I like the idea of painting the "thief" as this evil person who stole from the king, and then the reader finding out that the thief was only a ten-year-old boy. But as it reads right now, there is a disconnect from the pitch and how the story begins. I'm interested to learn how your story is structured! This sounds very entertaining.

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  2. I loved your pitch but the first 250 threw me off a bit. It seems very cliched IMO and I can almost picture a Jaffar like evil king scheming to take back the lamp from a young Alladin. I would want to either see more of an active threat or the MC as the first 250.

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  3. Love the pitch. Love the concept. Love the vivid writing. What I don't love is, again, the King's perspective. The pitch gives no hint of this. If it's omniscient or trading perspectives, that could be clearer. But what I'm afraid of is it being the dreaded "Prologue."

    Don't get me wrong, prologues can be great if used well. But so many are just tacked on ways to build suspense. If it doesn't add anything to the story, cut it. I can't tell without reading your story if this is the case, or if this is even a prologue, but I'm always wary of prologues. Tension shouldn't need a Jafar (nice reference, 3:31) soliloquizing. It should be able to run on its own, with Aladdin as the star.

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