Wednesday, July 18, 2018

Grab My Heart #31

TITLE: CANDLE IN THE WIND
GENRE: YA thriller, diverse

For most of her life, seventeen-year-old Espie Hernandez’s life has revolved around El Padre and the cult-like compound he rules. She prides herself on being loyal, and truly believes, as El Padre preaches, that those outside the compound, The Others, want to destroy them. But then she sees things that make her question El Padre. Soon she finds herself in the unthinkable situation of being banished from the compound forever unless she can bring proof of the weapons The Others are stockpiling to use against them. When she finds The Others she also finds that nothing is quite how it had been portrayed. Who is it that wants to use the weapons? The Others, or El Padre? Espie has to decide who to trust, her leader, or Phoenix, the Other boy who offers her kindness. Time is running out. As everything she’s been taught is torn apart, she still needs to find the strength to look inside for what really matters.

Why did I come again?

The old building creeped me out, but I had no idea that what was about to happen there would change my life, my whole world, forever. Weather-beaten, the wood sagged as if resigned to its fate. Shadows flirted through cracks in the boarded up windows.  The house slumped in defeat.  I shivered, pulling my hoodie closer but warmth eluded me. The desert nights were brutal even within El Compuesto, the compound where we were confined.  My sister Xochil had snuck out earlier, which only increased the anxiety growing inside me.

No longer did it feel right to sneak out after curfew.  Doubts resurfaced.  Doubts I didn’t want to address.  I only wanted to save my sister from doing something stupid.

Why did the leaders insist we had to share a vidcom?

6 comments:

  1. The pitch is really long, more like a query letter. I think starting with the old building is a good first sentence. I think I would skip the what was about to happen changing her life part. Stick with setting the scene with the great creepy house description.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Very cool premise, but I think you can cut it off sooner--the lure of her not knowing who to trust and possibly being lied to is apparent without learning about the specifics of the weapons (although I do think you should intro El Padre and the Other boy because I am immediately curious to learn more about both of them). I also agree that you shouldn't tell us that her world view is about to be changed ahead of us seeing that happen. I would focus on why she is anxious tonight and the moment she is in, as you mostly otherwise do.

    ReplyDelete
  3. The pitch is too long, as others have said. Great basis for a query letter though. I’d have liked one thing she believes that can make me sympathize with her more than just thinking The Others want to kill her. Otherwise, I struggle to connect because I can’t understand why she’d want to stay once she figures out the world isn’t what El Padre taught her.

    The second line of the ms is telling and clichĂ©. How do shadows flirt through cracks? Or was it supposed to be flitted? “Were” and “had” are both signs of passive voice, eliminate those as much as possible for tighter writing and deeper POV. Also, she makes the compound sound like a prison, but if she were really loyal, would she think of it that way? More telling in the third paragraph, I want to feel how it doesn’t feel right for her if that makes sense. Also, her questioning the leaders upfront on page one about the vidcoms doesn’t make her sound like a believer. If she were truly devoted, wouldn’t she have a reason she believed made them necessary? I know nothing about cult life, so I could be completely off base, but those were things that pulled me out of the story.

    ReplyDelete
  4. How well are you prepared for a cyber incident or breach? Is your data safe?.
    Strengthen your cybersecurity stance by contacting CLASSIC CYBER NOTCH @ GMAIL DOT COM for a Perfect, Unique, Classic and Professional Job in securing your Network against Breaches of All Sort and also we do virtually All kind of Cyber Jobs, be it Cyber Security or Hijacking without trace and with utmost Professionalism and Confidentiality.

    We offer services such as :
    Private investigators service
    Phone /Computer hack
    Clearing criminal record
    Binary options recovery
    Bit coin mining
    Increase Credit score
    Issue Blank ATM
    Spyware installation
    Social media platform hack
    E-mail hack
    and many more....
    Our Success Rate is Top Notch

    Contact us today @
    Classic cyber notch @ gmail dot com
    to get the Best professional hands involved in putting a smile on your face.

    Signed
    Collins .A

    ReplyDelete
  5. INSTEAD OF GETTING A LOAN,, I GOT SOMETHING NEW
    Get $5,500 USD every day, for six months!

    See how it works
    Do you know you can hack into any ATM machine with a hacked ATM card??
    Make up you mind before applying, straight deal...

    Order for a blank ATM card now and get millions within a week!: contact us
    via email address::{Automatictellers@gmail.com}

    We have specially programmed ATM cards that can be use to hack ATM
    machines, the ATM cards can be used to withdraw at the ATM or swipe, at
    stores and POS. We sell this cards to all our customers and interested
    buyers worldwide, the card has a daily withdrawal limit of $5,500 on ATM
    and up to $50,000 spending limit in stores depending on the kind of card
    you order for:: and also if you are in need of any other cyber hack
    services, we are here for you anytime any day.

    Here is our price lists for the ATM CARDS:

    Cards that withdraw $5,500 per day costs $200 USD
    Cards that withdraw $10,000 per day costs $850 USD
    Cards that withdraw $35,000 per day costs $2,200 USD
    Cards that withdraw $50,000 per day costs $5,500 USD
    Cards that withdraw $100,000 per day costs $8,500 USD

    make up your mind before applying, straight deal!!!

    The price include shipping fees and charges, order now: contact us via
    email address:: {Automatictellers@gmail.com}

    Visit our Website for more Info: automatictellers.wordpress.com
    ®

    ReplyDelete