Wednesday, April 15, 2020

Secret Agent #29

TITLE: Camp and Chaos
GENRE: Adult Romantic Comedy

The coffee shop’s bell chimed savagely as Elle swung the door wide. She wanted to rip its high-pitched heart out. Okay, so, maybe it was a tad dramatic but, in her defense, she was in desperate need of caffeine before heading into the belly of the beast (a.k.a. her office).

Huh? Beast Master. Maybe that’s what her title plate on her door should read instead of Assistant Camp Director. After all, what else would you call yourself when you work with rambunctious elementary schoolers all summer long?

Shuffling between her fellow customers, Elle scanned the names of the mobile orders sitting on the counter. Not ready yet. She retrieved her phone from her pocket and scrolled the numerous messages from her assistant, all concerning the inflatable rentals scheduled to be delivered that afternoon but would instead be arriving Sunday when no one was working.

Elle chewed her bottom lip for a moment. Without fail, chaos reigned over her schedule the closer they approached opening day but it was nothing she couldn’t handle. She hastily sent off several replies as well as her promised ETA when the door’s bell signaled more business for the shop. But it was the loud rumble of laughter which caused her blood to freeze.

Oh. No.

Her traitorous body knew the sound of that particular deep rubble as every nerve stood at the ready. She hesitated before turning to confirm what she knew in her soul. “Oh, fork me.”

Javier Sanchez was back in town. S***.


  1. "She wanted to rip its high-pitched heart out" - perfect! At first I thought her office was at the coffee shop; that sounds way better than an assistant camp anything! I can only imagine what a story this will bring.
    This sounds like an entertaining read and I bet her traitorous body will have some fun with Javier. She sounds like a fun character. I'd definitely continue reading.

  2. Just a couple small things:
    -I don't get the use of Huh? It sounds like she's confused by what was said before but those were her thoughts. Why would she be confused by and later correct her own thoughts?
    -The end of this sentence doesn't make sense. Is there a word missing? "all concerning the inflatable rentals scheduled to be delivered that afternoon but would instead be arriving Sunday when no one was working."
    -You are missing a "had" in this line "She HAD hastily sent off..."

    Good otherwise. I like the voice!

    Good luck!

  3. She sounds like a great character - a tad dramatic comes through in the voice. The bell being savage didn't work for me, especially since it's also high-pitched. I also was a bit thrown when we were in the coffee shop, then at her office door, then back to the coffee shop. Chewing her bottom lip - I wasn't sure what this signifies - anxiety related to the chaos? or deep thought? Thanks for sharing!

  4. Such a fun voice! I was a little confused by the train of thought that led her to name her office t"he belly of the beast" and then made her think “huh?”. I’m also a little confused by the word choice of “rubble”. But otherwise, very promising start. I’m interested in Elle’s connection with Javier!