GENRE: fantasy
Winterblade licked drying blood from the dead girl's cheek. "We
appreciate your help, kitten."
He pulled a thick wood sliver from her arm and pinned the scribed note
to her torn smock. There. A perfect trap set with the perfect bait.
Winterblade ran his tongue over his sharp teeth, anticipation
spreading arousal through him. How could the Shaded Warrior resist
this?
Winterblade smiled at his handiwork. Flies gathered, undeterred by the
chill predawn.
"The rest of them?" one of the Sobakas said. The vampire jabbed the
hilt of a knife towards the huddled captives.
The adult male—the father—his mate and two other offspring cringed
together. Tears grimed their faces. It had been almost as
entertaining as butchering the kitten, watching them scream into their
gags.
Winterblade tipped his head back and breathed deep, controlling his
impulse to agree and let his pack slaughter the humans. He still
needed the family alive.
At least until the Shaded Warrior caught up to him.
"Not yet."
The Sobaka showed his fangs. "You said—"
Winterblade smiled, showing teeth back. "I said when I have the
warrior." He flexed his hands and stretched. The kitten's blood had
dried between his fingers. "Is your memory faulty?"
The vampire stared him in the face for a second, challenging. Then he
lowered his head. "No."
Winterblade glanced at the rest of the pack. They avoided his gaze.
Two Sobakas, two humans. The fifth lay in a ditch miles back, skinned
and gutted, an example. Winterblade had enjoyed that. Perhaps it
would prove an inspiration to his stalker.
Winterblade nodded. "Bring the pets."
Is he/she believable?
ReplyDeleteNO
Is he/she scary/hateful/dark/misunderstood/demonic/whatever-he's-meant-to-be?
I was not sure who was who..
Is there enough conflict to make us WANT the antagonist to ultimately fail, even without reading the entire story?
I really didn't care..about any of the characters... one way or another...
Thanks for your comments, Jezegurl. ;)
ReplyDelete~Merc
Is he/she believable?
ReplyDeletefor a fantasy setting, probably, this isn't the worst. I will come after you with Pratchett books and Jane Austen movies if Winterblade falls in love with a victim though.
Is he whatever-he's-meant-to-be?
Winterblade.... no. But I think you showed the wrong part. There's telling here. You are telling me Winterblade did something to a child. But that's a theory and clinically distant. If you showed him doing something I might be inclined to agree he's evil. I also might skip the book entirely. I don't like watching children be abused.
Is there enough conflict to make us WANT the antagonist to ultimately fail, even without reading the entire story?
I have no clue what the motivation is and who is in the right. I'm opposed to hurting young of any species or race, even an enemy species, unless they happen to be flesh eating maggots or something similar.
Overall... Winterblade seems slightly twisted but it sounds like he has thought out reasons. Without knowing the reasons I can't say whether he's evil or just getting to the point.
The mind boggles at the idea Winterblade could love anyone. %-) Wow... :D *is endlessly amuses*
ReplyDeleteUh, as for what happened... he tortured and crucified the little girl, since he's trying to get the MC to come after him with nasty plans.
The actual murder is described when the MC shows up in the next scene...
I didn't want to show that due to content (on this site) and pretty much anything else with him in it has sexual undertones or outright content, so... I picked this. :P
~Merc
Ugh, he's an evil bastard, yes indeedy. I have the impression he's bad just to be bad, like that's part of his DNA and is all he knows, all he's ever known. The structure of the scene was a bit unwieldy in that keeping track of who was who kept me on my toes, but I'm sure that's due to the scene being out of context.
ReplyDeleteI hope Winterblade is not a predictable bad guy. The worst, scariest, creepiest nasties I've ever encountered in fiction were the ones who seemed capable of going either way. Like what Just Me said. One of his victims being a love interest, or at least gaining his affection only to be killed later. I like villains that are less animalistic and more human because the scariest thing to me is the neighbor next door with a set of carving knives not used on the annual Thanksgiving turkey. Boogety.
Heh. Yeah, sorry about the structure--it's a first draft and I still have to clean it up.
ReplyDeletePart of it is conditioning. Part of it is he wants people to hate him so they'll want to kill him. He's rather good at it... :P
I'm not sure if he's predictable or not; maybe in some ways based on his character... I'd have to ask readers. ;) Eh.
I still have fun. Thanks for the comments, Karen! :D
~Merc
See, maybe it's me but killing people so that people want to kill you makes me feel sympathy for the person. What kind of individual is that messed up that they need to murder for attention? Where was their mother? It's like the little lost rapid lamb syndrome.
ReplyDeleteIt makes Winterblade sound sympathetic.
I guess it's all about context though.
And, for the record, if he hurt my kid I'd kill him even if I had to get out of my grave to do it.
Well... he is pretty messed up but I don't think in context anyone except his brother really cares. :P
ReplyDeleteHe wants the attention but actually just wants someone to kill him really painfully... :S wacked out dude. He thinks pain is all he can feel now, so he's trying to use it to break through the emotional deadness. (It's a long story. There's a novel for it.)
I suppose it might make him sympathetic in some way except I really doubt anyone would. ;)
~Merc
merc
ReplyDeleteI am not a fan of most science fiction. I say most... because there has been on a few occassions (although rare) a SF piece I like.
Phillip Dick comes to mind. So don't count my opinion to be accuate when it comes to SF.
Ooh, I love PK Dick's work!
ReplyDeleteAnd no worries. While I appreciate all opinions and feedback, I'm well aware the genre isn't for everyone. ;)
~Merc
Ah, I guessed you might post this lovely villian. I like the lack of remorse in this character. Only one thing distracted me and that was the use of his name to start almost every other paragraph. That being said, I know this is a rough. I've seen a lot more of this story than what you have here and know the full and twisted extent of what this character is capable of and believe me, I know your only getting warmed up. :)
ReplyDeleteMerc~
ReplyDeleteSomeone who thinks they can only feel one thing usually winds up being sympathetic. Unless Winterblade isn't the MC, never gets rescued, or dies senselessly... then he's just tragic and a bit stupid. Yes, what he's doing is nasty but he's so messed up in his own head that it's hard to see him as sane enough to be accountable.
Lots of good banter here already; I don't have much to add.
ReplyDeleteHe is loathesome, and once this is fine-tuned it will be gripping indeed.
I will throw out, though, that if I were an agent, that the mutilation/abuse/murder of a child would be taboo for me. I won't/can't go there. So that whole idea is repulsive enough to me for me not to want to read more.
I stand by my opinion that you are talented, though. The child thing is just my personal bias.
Thanks, Dawn! %-) So you've been reading FT too? O:) I'm aiming to finish WK this summer... yah. Really! *looks innocent and honest*
ReplyDeleteJust Me--I find your views on this fascinating. :D He's an MC in one book (WK) and in that I did want to make him somewhat sympathetic since it's a split POV between him and his brother. In FT he's pretty much an antagonist out to bother everyone. :P
Thanks for the comments, Authoress! Yes, I realize the subject matter here (even if it's just one chapter) may be squicky and taboo for some. I completely understand. I'm not found of the subject matter either but I've learned if my characters are going to do nasty stuff, being coy about it doesn't work for me. I don't want my stories to flinch. (Dang, now I can't remember who said that... it was a horror story I read, and the author had dedicated it to someone with the comment "a story that doesn't flinch" and it WAS a really disturbing story... but effective because it showed the pure evil nastiness of human beings. I will have to look it up.)
Ta!
~Merc
I love the word squicky. I know that has nothing to do with your post, but the world needs more words like that.
ReplyDeleteWinterblade is quite the hater. Is he the MC? I'm thinking, if you set up an MC, set up Winterblade, then put them in the same city, I'd be fearing for the MC.
In that, I think he's a great success. I have to agree that he's a bit one-faceted here. Though, it's only 250 words; how much can you do?
What would really give him a great dynamic, imo, is if it turned out that he was doing all this to raise money for orphans or to buy back his wife who was sold as a slave to humans, or some other element that gives him a justified purpose for his tendencies.