This one's from KNIGHT'S CURSE, my urban fantasy novel:
I shuddered. Yeah, I knew the kind of comforts he was into. It made my skin crawl. Folding my arms, I glared into his ice-blue eyes. “That was one hell of a job you sent me on. You owe me.”
He arched his brows. “No, dear. You owe me.” He held out his open palm. “Give me Saint Geraldine¹s hand.”
An icy flush covered me from head to toe. I backed up and spun around, a prickle of fear nipping at the base of my spine. I couldn't deal with his anger right now, not with the change so close. Remembering past punishments, I could almost feel the sting of his leather whip on the backs of my legs.
Taking a deep breath, I pretended to study the decor of the foyer that was so different from the Grandville mansion. Gavin’s was tastefully creepy, like the set for the Adams Family but without the dust and cobwebs.
“I’m waiting, Chalice,” Gavin said, his tone frosty. “Where is it?”
“I don’t have it.” I turned to face him again, but from a safer distance. “It got eaten. I think.”
Gavin’s eyes widened and his jaw muscle twitched. He furrowed his brows. “Eaten?”
“There was a hellhound you didn't warn me about, and the hand...” Damn, I should have figured out how to get it away from that stupid beast. I couldn't let Gavin see my concern--signs of weakness were like catnip to him-so I shrugged my shoulders and leaned against the wall, feigning boredom.
Aside from the odd punctuation I think this is good. I'm worried about your MC. I'm not sure I like her?him? But I am concerned that they'll get hurt.
ReplyDeleteFrom this I'd read more just to figure out what's happening and why someone's hand is being bartered around.
What, you mean you don't like my cool experimental subscript punctuation? LOL! 8^) I didn't use html when I sent it to Authoress and it converted punctuation to this. I fixed it and resent, but the new and improved version hasn't been reposted.
ReplyDeleteAnyway, thanks, Just_me. I'd also sent another excerpt from my steampunk urban fantasy on Tuesday, but for some reason it didn't make it in. I'd really like some feedback on that one because I'm just getting started on it. Maybe I can resubmit for a future "hook" challenge.
I do feel for the MC, but I think it comes more from the inner dialog. You've given a great sense of the scariness of Gavin, so yes, I would read on, just hoping that the MC manages to get away without punishment.
ReplyDeleteYes, I care becuase you get into her head and show me what she's thinking/feeling and the tension in the situation.
ReplyDeleteBy the way, love the dark sense of humor--the hellhound ate it. B-) LOL!
Nice. I'd read on.
~Merc