TITLE: Prayer
GENRE: Historical Romance
Alice waited for the throng to diminish before gathering her skirts and setting foot on the narrow wooden gangway. She felt dizzy as the boards beneath her swayed with the movement of the ship. Her feet cramped, unused to the dainty leather boots she hadn't worn during the six week journey, and she stumbled. Gripping the handrail, she managed to keep herself from tumbling into the choppy sea below. Thank goodness! she thought. She did not wish to meet the man she was to marry looking like a drowned rat. She stepped off the wooden plank onto solid ground. After weeks at sea, it felt strange. She still had the sensation of movement, although she knew that to be impossible. The ground was firm and steady, not like the ship's decks that pitched and heaved with the slightest movement of the ocean.
A gentle rain fell from the heavy, grey sky and caught in her hair; she could see the light gleaming through the droplets that clung to the dark strands that escaped her hairpins. She stepped away from the ship and allowed other passengers to pass her as she scanned the dock, unsure what she was looking for. She had never met William Heller although she felt she knew him from the letters they had exchanged over the last year .
Her father had been so pleased when William asked for her hand, despite never having met the man. And unlikely he ever would, Alice thought with a rueful smile.
You've got a hook on this page -- your main character has traveled to a foreign country to marry a man she's never met in person before. I think, though, that you could pick up the pace by trimming unnecessary details.
ReplyDeleteFor instance: "She felt dizzy as the boards beneath her swayed with the movement of the ship. Her feet cramped, unused to the dainty leather boots she hadn't worn during the six week journey, and she stumbled."
You could make it shorter like so: "The ship swayed and she stumbled, unused to the dainty leather boots she hadn't worn during the six-week journey."
The best advice I ever got from an agent was to ruthlessly look at EVERY word and ask, "Do I really need this?" (Still working to master that skill, by the way!) Getting rid of unnecessary words allows you to get to the crux of the story faster, or to substitute better words -- ones that will let us get to know the character.
Good luck!
I really enjoyed your descriptions. The swaying beneath Alice's feet even though she was on solid ground now, the rain, it all put me right there in your story.
ReplyDeleteConsider trimming your first paragraph - cutting out some of the wordiness. For instance, if it won't be relevant to the story later that her feet aren't used to the leather boots right now, it might could go.
Otherwise, fantastic start!
I like the opening and would definitely read on.
ReplyDeleteMaybe mention the rain sooner. I struck me as off a little that she didn't mention it in the first paragraph b/c I always notice right away when I'm getting wet. Otherwise, love the descriptions.
From the ending, it felt like she's saying her father would never meet her future husband becasue he doesn't exist... which makes me curious.
I really enjoyed this -- you introduce us to the periodicity of this story without being too heavy-handed. Alice's voice is well-developed considering this is three paragraphs in third person. Great job describing her lack of sea legs: having been there, I think you hit the feeling exactly right.
ReplyDeleteThe opening paragraph has a lot going on, and could perhaps be made a bit more succinct. I wondered, in the second paragraph, whether the rain had just started or if it had been raining the entire time -- this matters, because of her comment about looking like a drowned rat in the first paragraph.
Intriguing. I would read on!
I like this. Historical romance is usually heavy on the description which is the only reason I think this works. I'd read on but I wouldn't give you very much time to show how this is different from other period romances. Young girl is engaged to a man she's never met is too overused to be your hook.
ReplyDeleteI haven't read historical romance in a long time. I'm a YA writer. I was curious and thought I'd check it out.
ReplyDeleteYou hooked me. I was swaying on my seat as if I was actually on the ship. Great job.
One thing to watch out for: You used "felt" twice in the first paragraph. And again in the second one. ;)
Good luck on this!
You described the feeling of stepping on land after sailing very well. I did wonder if the rain just started.
ReplyDeleteThis needed some tightening, but I would read more to find out if she ends up marrying the man she went there to marry or someone else.
You have all the elements here that you need - who, what, when, where and why. But it is all told to us, and if you showed it, it would really come alive.
ReplyDeleteFor instance, instead of saying she waited for the throng to diminsh, show us the crowds jostling each other to get off. Show them covering their heads from the rain. Show her wobbling as she waits. Show the wooden plank bending and bouncing and show us the cold water rushing below it. It'll make a huge difference.
This is a solid beginning that gives the reader a sense of the time period without being too obvious about it. I really like the fact that the crux of the story is presented right away.
ReplyDeleteThe part about the shoes/stumbling would be easier to undertand if it were two shorter sentences. The second paragraph has a bit too many adjectives and seems to be more telling than showing.
Overall, very good.
Historicals always are heavy on descriptive passages, at least the ones I've read. So seem are Regencies, so I'm not put off by the desription. It sets the period and tone. I'd keep reading.
ReplyDeleteGee, at least this girl got some letters from the guy she was going to marry. Makes me wonder if he really wrote them, because most of these arranged things are like: my dear beloved angel, here is Lord So And So to whom you are betrothed. Have a wonderful, loveless marriage on me...
Very nice job. You've set up a lot of conflicts. Why do I feel like this won't turn out well?
ReplyDeleteI'm curious about the situation and want to see what will happen next.
ReplyDeleteA little wordy for my taste, but I'm used to reading YA, not historical.
One thing that stuck out at me is the repetition of 'movement' so close together:
She still had the sensation of movement, although she knew that to be impossible. The ground was firm and steady, not like the ship's decks that pitched and heaved with the slightest movement of the ocean.
This is fabulous. I'm definitely hooked and would keep reading. You did a great job framing this.
ReplyDeleteThe first paragraph is a little wordy. This is how I would edit it.
(add) [delete]
Alice waited for the throng to diminish before gathering her skirts and setting foot on the narrow wooden gangway. She felt dizzy as the boards beneath her swayed [with the movement of the ship]. [Her feet cramped] (She stumbled), unused to the dainty leather boots she hadn't worn during the six week journey[, and she stumbled]. Gripping the handrail, she managed to keep herself from tumbling into the choppy sea below. Thank goodness! she thought. She did not wish to meet the man she was to marry looking like a drowned rat. She stepped off the wooden plank onto solid ground. [After weeks at sea,] it felt strange. She still had the sensation of movement, although she knew that to be impossible. [The ground was firm and steady, not like the ship's decks that pitched and heaved with the slightest movement of the ocean.]
If something is implied or already stated, you don't need to say it again. Trust your reader to get it.
I could see the droplets in her hair and feel the movement of the ship. I like it & would read more. Hooked. Good Luck ;-)
ReplyDelete