TITLE: Finders Keepers
GENRE: Young Adult Urban Fantasy
Ellie's mother was insane. Completely, totally, and should be institutionalized no questions asked. Because only if Ellie were Glinda the Good Witch of the North, then the dress she was currently and unsuccessfully zipping up in the back could be considered in any way warranted. But as she was just a normal sixteen-year-old girl with absolutely no intention of going to prom...
"Nonsense dear. Everyone goes to prom. And you're sadly mistaken if you think pink hair is normal."
Oops, Ellie had said that out loud. She yanked on the zipper again but didn't have the leverage to get it the rest of the way up. Oh how she couldn't wait to get out of this store. The musty smell of used, unwashed clothing turned her stomach. Not that she didn't appreciate vintage; she did. But this particular store would have been more appropriately named Grandma's Underwear Drawer.
"It doesn't fit. Can we go now?"
"Wait, come out and let me see it."
Ellie held the back of the white satin together with her left hand and opened the peeling dressing room door with the other. She was greeted with a gasp and jaw drop so large from her mother that she was sure she could fit a Big Mac into it. There was a reason her dad had given her mother a keychain that flashed Drama Queen in pink lights for Christmas last year.
Sorta hooked. I liked the scene, and Ellie's voice is snarky without coming across as shrill.
ReplyDeleteI did think you could smooth parts of this some more, though. For instance, the third sentence in the first paragraph felt a little clunky. One revision idea: "Because the dress she'd insisted Ellie try on would only be considered fashionable if she were Glinda the Good Witch of the North." Also, I don't know if jaw drops can be large. Exaggerated, maybe?
Hope that helps. Good luck with this.
The first thing that hit me about this was that you have voice. Nice job. Voice can be the hardest thing to find!
ReplyDeleteGreat hook. I loved Ellie's voice and getting into her head so early on. The only bit that threw me off was this sentence:
ReplyDeleteBecause only if Ellie were Glinda the Good Witch of the North, then the dress she was currently and unsuccessfully zipping up in the back could be considered in any way warranted.
It was clunky. The rest makes for a great intro and read.
I love the first lines (I would take out the contraction for affect). Then the third sentence is confusing. I think you need to reorder the words (The only way this dress could be considered in any way warranted would be if Ellie were actually Glinda the Good Witch of the North...or something like that).
ReplyDeleteI like the indirect characterization. Ellie seems interesting, she's funny (Grandma's Underwear Drawer), and she's unique (pink hair!). We also got some great details about her mother.
Obviously this is just a short excerpt but so far there's nothing here that says urban fantasy - which is okay - but we'd need to get something to point readers in that direction soon.
I would keep reading.
I really liked your voice. However, I stumbled on the second sentence and had to reread it. Also, I pictured them at home at first. Then at the store, with her mother zipping her up. I was surprise to find out mom was outside of the dressing room.
ReplyDeleteLoved the "Grandma's underwear drawar" and the "big mac."
Semi-hooked.
I love the voice in this one. You give us a really clear idea of who Ellie is without hitting us over the head. I do wonder what the fantastical element will be - as long as it's not some paranormally gorgeous boy who shows up in her high school then I'm hooked.
ReplyDeleteI like Elle. I like the first sentence. I like the Glinda reference, but it was a bit convoluted.
ReplyDeleteI'd definitely keep reading.
I loved the humour and the voice in this piece.
ReplyDeleteI thought you could tighten it up a bit in parts just by cutting a few words and re-ordering a couple of sentences. For example, when you are talking about her getting out of the story, you could say something like.
She appreciated vintage, but the musty smelly of used, unwashed clothing turned her stomach. The store smelled like Grandma's underwear drawer. She yanked on the zipper again but didn't have the leverage to get it all the way up.
'It doesn't fit. Can we go now?'
I'm intrigued to know whether she makes it to prom.
Good luck with this piece.
The part about the witch threw me and I had to go back to read it again.
ReplyDeleteI like the thoughts though, it is realistic.
Good luck!
Love the voice and the humor. Would definitely keep reading. The third sentence does need to be reworded. I had to read it a couple times to understand it.
ReplyDeleteTITLE: Finders Keepers
ReplyDeleteGENRE: Young Adult Urban Fantasy
Ellie's mother was insane. Completely, totally, and should be institutionalized no questions asked.
Really enoyed these lines: good voice, funny and catchy.
Like a girl who DOESN't want to go to prom, makes me want to get to know her, she's different than the hordes.
Pink hair gets me interested.
Oops, Ellie had said that out loud (this line lost me a little).
Grandma's Underwear Drawer, got me laughing.
This was really funny and cute and I'd read on.
This small excerpt does a good job of broadcasting Ellie's personality (and her mom).
ReplyDeleteThird sentence is very awkward. I had to re-read it several times before I understood what you meant. It's a long sentence. Streamline it, or maybe break it up into more than one sentence?
"Oops, Ellie had said that out loud." What did she say out loud? The "Nonsense dear..." line? Is she parroting her mom? I was confused by that.
I expect used clothing stores to wash the clothes before selling them. Sure, if they sit around long enough, they'll get that musty, 'used clothes store' smell, but the use of "unwashed" makes me think they smell of body odor. I like the "Grandma's Underwear Drawer" description, though. And you do a great job of conveying the sense of a decrepit store with little details like the peeling paint.
I was also confused by the "normal" comments and "out loud". The mother brings up the pink hair, but really, I'd have thought her mother was responding to "going to the prom". The pink kind of comes out of nowhere. Nice way to sneak in a description, but it just doesn't seem smooth.
ReplyDeleteI want to know more about Ellie, but I hope her mother doesn't becaome a cartoonish, nightmarish chacters that's unbelievable. :)
I like the voice. She's snarky without being overtly bitchy. The line about Glinda the good witch didn't work for me, but I like the image. Try re-wording it.
ReplyDeleteA couple of places felt a little wordy or awkward, but reading it aloud will help you smooth that out.
I'd read on.