TITLE: Rose Winter, Wolf Spring
GENRE: Paranormal Romance
Rose stared resolutely out the bar's single, tiny window, and tried not to think about how thin the roll of bills in her hip pocket had become in only a week and a half. One upon a time, abut ten days ago, coming north had seemed like the best idea in the world. The north was cold, and people wore gloves all the time, and wrapped up tight, so no one noticed a girl who never uncovered her hands. The north, under all it's snow and ice, had seemed safe.
Now, every day, she realized that she would never be safe again.
At first she was surprised they let a seventeen-year-old into bars up here. But as the succession of truckers carried her further and further north, she noticed that the definition of "town" seemed to be the space outside a bar, and there was no place else for people to get together. She was getting used to bars.
This trucker -- she couldn't remember his name -- had come in to do something with his logbook, and buy food. Whatever he was doing took forever, and a hamburger cost seven dollars in this lousy place. Rose sat, staring at her hands.
The gloves helped. They were fashionable brown spandex, and they kept her from touching anybody. Touching was the worst nightmare of all. For a long time she kept hoping she would blink, or wake up, and things would be normal again. Things were not going to be normal.
The title is great--I would pick it up off the library shelf-- and I am interested to know what is going on with Rose's hands.
ReplyDeleteI didn't pick up on the fact she was only seventeen until you said it. I think I'd like to hear a little more teenage voice.
Also, I'm not a huge fan of vague sentences like "she realized that she would never be safe again" and "Things were not going to be normal." You can tell us more without giving the secret away.
It sounds interesting, good luck!
I agree with everything annalisag said and have to add that I love your first sentence!
ReplyDeleteThe prose could be tightened a bit, but it definitely sets up the reader to want to know what's going on.
ReplyDeleteMy one reservation would be the similarity between this and the scene with Wolverine and Rogue in X-men.
I agree with D. B. Reynolds - I read this and immediately thought of Rogue.
ReplyDeleteI really liked the first sentence. I don't think you need both the sentence about never be safe again and the things were not going to be normal.
I was hooked though and would keep reading.
Love the title! And I'd definitely read more. I want to know what it is her hands will do if she touches someone, and I really think you could say what that is in the opening bit. I also think that what's missing is where she hopes to end up. How far north does she intend to go? Does she ever plan on settling down? But it's well-written and I'd trust that I'm going to find all that out soon enough.
ReplyDeleteYou might cut'every day' in the second parg. Once she realizes it, well, she knows it. She wouldn't realize it every day.
Some of this really snags me. Love the idea of someone wearing gloves because she doesn't want to touch things or people, so I want to know why.
ReplyDeleteI thought I caught abut instead of about in the 2nd sentence.
I think I would also consider, as other have mentioned, to just the telling and now she'd not be safe again, show us.
Also every day doesn't seem to fit, she'd realize one day it wasn't safe.
I'd give this a read into some further pages to wonder what this girl's special situation is.
I agree with the other readers' suggestions but would read on -- this is interesting.
ReplyDeleteI love your title and the last sentence. I'm really curious about the gloves and the touching thing--in one of my WIPs I have a character who can't touch anyone.
ReplyDeleteThere are some typos: One upon-->Once upon; abut ten-->about ten.
Read through this again and correct for spelling and grammar. If there's a typo in the first paragraph that doesn't speak well for the rest of the work.
ReplyDeleteI really like the premise but the prose needs tightening up before I'd be hooked.
I'm also immediately reminded of Rogue from the X-Men movie. Wears gloves because her touch is deadly, goes up north to Canada by hitching rides with truckers. As long as the wolf in your story doesn't resemble Wolverine then you're probably safe from copyright infringement. :)
What others said about proofreading and Rogue.
ReplyDeleteI also found myself waiting for the change, why *this* is the start of your story. What is so special about this moment that it gets to be the very first thing the reader sees?
I'm interested in why Rose always has to wear gloves and can't touch people, but this sounds like Rogue from X-Men. In fact, this whole scene is straight from the first movie when Rogue hitches rides with truckers through Canada and then runs into Wolverine.
ReplyDeleteThere are a few weird phrases - "now, every day, she realized that she would never be safe again." and the "roll of bills in her hip pocket" bothers me. I mean, girl's pants are generally pretty tight -- how does she have a roll of bills in her pocket?
I might read on, but only because Rogue is one of my favorite characters from X-Men and this seems like a Rogue story.
I liked the way you set the story up, I'd definitely want to read more. But there seemed a little too much telling. I am intrigued, though.
ReplyDeleteLove the title, especially as it combines things in a way they normally wouldn't. Logic would have Wolf with Winter and Rose with Spring. I'm already curious.
ReplyDeleteA couple typos: One upon a time, abut
Intrigued by the concept of never uncovering her hands. Good story questions.
Laughed at the town definition. Great way to work in both her age and setting.
I'm definitely curious about what Rose is doing, where she's going, and what happens if she touches someone. Hooked.
Loved the title, hated the typos. Liked the description of the towns, and I admire the presence of mind to hide somewhere where gloves would not look out of place.
ReplyDeleteI'm with the others on the Rogue-Wolverine-X-Men similarities, which was a bit distracting unless Hugh Jackman is turning up later :-)
I'd keep reading, and the title alone would have made me pick it up off the shelf.
I'm hooked. There are some places where the prose can be tightened, but the voice is great, the build up to the intrigue is great. I did also think of Rogue in X-men, but unless a bunch of mutants pop up in the manuscript, I don't think that's a problem.
ReplyDeleteI don't have any more to say other than I would keep reading.