TITLE: The Skylark's Song
GENRE: YA Steampunk
Robin shoved hard against the grating with her shoulder, wincing at the bruise that it was going to cause, and blowing a hard breath out of her nose to keep the little grunt of pain in. It wouldn't do to have attention called to her just because she had whimpered a little, especially now that she was so close.
She stretched her fingers, imagining for a brief second that somehow air could get between her joints, as if that could make her fingers go just that little bit further. Grit pressed against the cheek that she had on the ground. Cement dust and brick flakes stuck to the sweat there, giving her a smattering of new freckles in shades of grey.
So close!
Her fingers slipped over the roughened outer-casing, the texture of the dappling of rust scraping teasingly at the tips of her nails. Another hard shove against the grating, and she managed to close her hand around one of the input pipes and pull back. After that it was a matter of wriggling the piece this way and that and ease it through the grating soundlessly.
A soft hiss as she sat up and eased away the pressure on burning shoulder muscles was the only sound that split the still night air. She went tense and waited for any replying sounds of approaching soldiers or shouts from the warning neighbourhood watch. The seconds ticked by and none came. Robin let out a silent sigh of relief and sat back and inspected her prize.
The pulley box wasn't in top shape, by any means, but it was intact and that's what mattered. With the factories that made the components for the Benne airships the new target of the nearly nightly bombing runs, the Sealie mechanics like Robin had to start getting resourceful if they ever wanted to keep their charges in the sky.
Even if that meant illegal scavenging among the debris of the factory fields.
Tucking the pulley box into her satchel, Robin stretched up onto her feet, and began the tediously long trek back through the rubble of the fallen buildings and their scattered contents, towards home. She held the satchel away from her body to keep the internal gearbox of the pulley from clanking against her thigh, and before she had walked a few blocks her arm was getting tired.
"Omens," she hissed, and paused in the deep shadows cast against a half crumbled wall to adjust her grip. A soft swooshing noise plucked at her ears and instinctively she pressed back further into the gloom, and the camouflage it provided.
She lowered her head, the darkness of her dirty cap disguising the shine of her brown hair and her pale cheeks from the sweep of the searchlight that she knew would be coming next. Sealies who worked in the shipyards had a bit of an advantage against the low-flying night patrol gliders that other scavengers did not: they knew what the gliders sounded like.
You did a good job of capturing the grittiness of steampunk. For some reason, I didn't experience the tension I should have and I'm trying to figure out why. Perhaps it's because we don't get much of her emotion in this. Also, you've included a lot of great details, but some of them got lost in long sentences.
ReplyDeleteI like that your mc is a female mechanic and she's obviously brave. Good luck with this!
This is the first steampunk I've read... so take that with my comments.
ReplyDeleteToo much describing in the first two paragraphs. Too many long sentences, and sentence with phrases seperated by commas. Those two things made this a hard read. I didn't even read all of the submission. I feel this was overwritten.
While I think you're steampunktastic here, I am still not hooked.
ReplyDeleteI wonder if it's because you are taking so long to describe all this action instead of throwing me in with some characterization in the beginning?
I went through and commented on most of the submissions, but skipped this one. I read the first paragraph and thought I'd attempt another read after I finished with the others.
ReplyDeleteYou have wonderful descriptions, but it's very dense and therefore, not creating the tension you need.
Really liked: Freckles in the shades of grey.
best of luck
I do agree that you do get a bit lengthy in your descriptions, but I still like what I see so far! Though I do admit I'm a bit confused with some of the termonology. :)
ReplyDeleteI think you hit the steampunk mark well, and I like the scenario here. As others have mentioned, the biggest thing hurting the piece is the long, unweildly sentences where you break down every action and sensation. You've got great sensory description here, but it does get lost because of quantity. Also, I think that I would be drawn in a bit more if I had the sense of 'danger' that you allude to in the aftermath. If this is illegal, and she has to hide from searchlights and listen for the gliders, bring this in sooner. There's only a few 'alludes' to being caught during the retrieval process, and everything is over focused on the job. Try for a bit of balance--does a spotlight sweep close enough that the outline of her leg might be seen? Is she under a time limit until the next glider comes by? Does she hear other scavengers picking their way through the debris and she stops for a few heartbeats, unsure of whether they will choose her spot and if she will have to defend her find?
ReplyDeleteI think if you bring in the sense of danger quicker, cut down on the play-by-play of movement and just keep the core details, the pace will quicken and the tension will be much higher. Too, the reader will connect to the character better.
I like the character and the voice and I just wanted to connect a bit more fully with Robin. Keep at it--the setting is well described. Tighten your sentences and remember that often less is more.
All the best!
Angela @ The Bookshelf Muse
There are some great details in this. I love the dappled rust!
ReplyDeleteBut I did feel that some of it got lost in the sentence length. Focus! Snip! In the first sentence alone, she's shoving, wincing, and blowing -- and each of those actions is accompanied by a description of it.
Also, watch out for things like "brief second." Seconds, by nature, are brief. They're also a measured amount of time. One second isn't longer or shorter than another.
I was also unclear about where she was and what was going on. She was trying to steal the pulley box? From where? From whom? I felt this could all use more clarifying and grounding. But overall, you have some nice turns of phrases -- freckles in shades of grey! -- and a wonderful, gritty steampunk feel.
Good details and good writing, but my eyes blurred the first few paragraphs since I had no idea what she was doing and no idea why I should be interested. I'd just cut those out altogether and work the details in between the contextual bits.
ReplyDeleteEveryone has pretty much summed up what I would have said about this.
ReplyDeleteGet some internal emotion from the character to help heighten the sense of danger/thrill in what she's doing.
Also I had a nitpick:
After that it was a matter of wriggling the piece this way and that and ease it through the grating soundlessly... I was thinking either wriggling needed to become wriggle; or ease, easing.
And since you you ease, I would pick a different verb in the sentence to follow to avoid repeition so close together.
Everyone has pretty much summed up what I would have said about this.
ReplyDeleteGet some internal emotion from the character to help heighten the sense of danger/thrill in what she's doing.
Also I had a nitpick:
After that it was a matter of wriggling the piece this way and that and ease it through the grating soundlessly... I was thinking either wriggling needed to become wriggle; or ease, easing.
And since you you ease, I would pick a different verb in the sentence to follow to avoid repeition so close together.
I'm not a steampunk reader, and so I may be totally off the mark...
ReplyDeleteIn the first paragraph, I'd like to know what she's struggling so hard for, or what overall mission is so crucial to make her struggle that hard. I don't know that I'd need both necessarily.
I also thought the amount of detail given was in danger of slowing down the pace. The opening may be easier to digest with just a little tightening. Best of luck!
I'm very interested in the story itself. I think there are some adverbs that can be cut and sentence structures that can be cleaned up, as others have mentioned. "Ease...soundlessly" could just be ease; "tediously long" could be tedious, etc. Great premise, though. Love a tough female MC!
ReplyDeleteLike Angela and others, I'm overloaded with sensory details and description without context. Why should I care that she will get a bruise? Suggest moving "illegal scavenging" to the top. Then I'd be more curious about her predicament.
ReplyDeleteWatch out for passive voice: "It wouldn't do to have attention called to her..."
An interesting world and character.
The first two paragraphs are so confusing I couldn't read more. Clarify this, show what the obstacle is (how would shoving give someone a bruise?) and why she has to get through it, and you'd have an effective opening.
ReplyDelete