TITLE: MORE THAN SIMPLE SCIENCE
GENRE: CONTEMPORARY YA
"Annie, tell me one of your secrets," Kyle whispered.
My head was lying on his chest. One of his hands stroked my back and the other rested on my cheek. The floor in the school's audio visual room was freezing cold, but I was warmer than I'd ever been in my entire life.
"No secrets," I mumbled. "A true scientist can't hide from any facts. Everything matters."
"I have one secret," he said.
"What's that?"
He reached over and grabbed his jeans and pulled something from his pocket. He jingled it in front of my eyes and as soon as I could focus on what is was I bolted up.
"Don't tell me that's the key to the door," I warned. "We weren't locked in?"
His face pinched with worry. "I'm sorry . . . I thought-"
"Oh God!" I jumped up and grabbed my shirt from the floor, then pulled on my pants.
"Annie, just stop for a minute-"
I stood over him and yanked the keys from his hands. "You asshole!"
Then I stomped right on his man region and flung the door open throwing the keys in his face as he writhed in agony on the carpet, completely naked. I snapped a quick picture with my cell phone because I'm not an idiot. He had no reason to keep this a secret. Blackmail in the form of a compromising photo was the next logical step to ensure my life stayed in perfect order.
Kyle Williams was not going to ruin anything. I would make sure of that.
I spun quickly and stomped down the hall. It was important to prove my independence by not requiring an explanation. I didn't care anyway. I got what I needed from him.
Once I was out of sight, I leaned against the wall of the empty hallway. My breathing was jagged and I closed my eyes letting a few tears leak out.
Stop crying and figure out his motivation.
It came to me instantly. John Keller. My archrival since the first middle school science fair. We took turns winning every year and this was my year. John was friends with Kyle. John was stupid enough to think I'd fall for Kyle's half-British charm.
Except I did. Sort of.
I dried my eyes and shoved my emotions aside. Logical and rational feelings were the only ones that mattered.
I walked out of the school with a twist to my plan and a confident smirk plastered on my face. I wouldn't need the picture of Kyle with injured balls after all.
I have to wonder about the MC. She's a scientist, so I can't understand why she would fall for the whole locked-in-the-lab bit without doing a little research? Also, why would she have sex with the guy if she didn't like him? Just because she's stuck in the room with him doesn't mean she needs to have sex.
ReplyDeleteAnd, in YA, can the characters be sexually active?
I do like her reaction.
Okay, I'll answer the can kids have sex in YA question...
ReplyDeleteYeah they SO can--YA's all about telling it how it like it is! (Which, coincidentally makes YA the best genre on the planet, but I am totally biased.)
First--this story has some serious intrigue, but I kind of want to start with the getting locked in... not the aftermath. That way we get to see a little more of her scientific personality. She freaks out, he comforts her--instead of just meeting her as the girl who just got screwed, (literally--HA! that's only funny because I didn't mean it to be a pun until after I read it) I would like to get to know her as the girl who is about to do it (presumably for the first time?) and how she makes that choice--then I would be more invested in the aftermath.
But--I'd TOTALLY read this (email me! lol)
yep, YA character can be sexually active. In fact, many of them are.
ReplyDeleteI really like the voice. But not sold on the story yet. I'd read a few more pages.
ReplyDeleteThe "confident smirk line", to me that's too much telling and almost a change in POV.
Sex in YA = happens all the time. ;->
ReplyDeleteI wondered how the MC got from point A to point B in a couple of cases. E.g., did she and Kyle have any kind of relationship before this? (That would tell us a whole lot more about their hook-up.) And then when she cries in the hallway, she decided he needed a motivation. Teenage guys need a secondary motivation to have sex??!
I liked that your mc was a science geek, but sometimes it went too far. E.g., her response when he asked her to tell him a secret sounded stilted.
All in all, I think this could be fun. Good luck!
I agree with the others and would like to add that the term "man region" used is a little incongruous when you bluntly use "balls" later.
ReplyDeleteOther than that, I do like your MC and the rival scientist plot sounds like a blast.
HOOKED!
ReplyDeleteThough I do agree with a couple of points that those above me have mentioned. One, I agree that saying the mc has a confident smirk is changing point of views. And also, I dont like the term "man region," it sounds too clinical. And while I understand she is a scientist so she would be a clinical person, but I mean shes a teenager and just had sex, and in that context it just doesnt sound right.
But other than that I am seriously hooked and want to read more! I must be alerted if you happen to get a book deal! :)
Confused, mostly.
ReplyDeleteI didn't have a problem with teenagers having sex. That happens. It happens in books too. Mostly, I was confused about Annie's motivation. I'm not really sure what happened.
They were locked in a room, had sex, snuggle time...so far so nice, right? And then she gets really mad at him because he had the keys the entire time. And I'm not sure why she suddenly decided to kick him in the balls and take a picture after they were just having MAJOR SNUGGLE TIME.
I think you started too late. I had no idea that the boy was a bad guy before this. Can we see them get "locked" in the room together, them fighting, him winning her over...and then betraying her? Because as it is, I like him way more than I like her right now. I haven't seen him be a jerk. But I have seen her kick him in the gonads. :)
I think this is a great scenario, but I just feel you hurled us into the story too quickly without any setup. It's disorienting.
ReplyDeleteThis was a bit confusing but well written. Maybe you could begin a bit earlier so the reader is a bit more grounded. I wasn't entirely sure why your MC reacted like that. It felt a bit over the top.
ReplyDeleteI'm a little confused about this MC. As a science girl myself, I can't believe that a locked door would stop her. When I was in high school, six years ago, we routinely broke the lock on the door to the band hall whenever our band director was running late. (We had to put our instruments away before first period. No one wants to carry a large instrument around). Locks are not complicated devices. She should be able to break out.
ReplyDeleteAlso, it seems really illogical for her to have sex at school. There is always more than one key to a door, and a teacher, janitor, or administrator could have walked in at any moment. Usually, the school administration doesn't approve of those sorts of activities going on at school. Being caught would have an adverse affect on her academic career--which should be very important to her, as a science girl, since she probably wants to get into a school like MIT, CalTech, Georgia Tech, Purdue, or Michigan.
But of course, this is only the opinion of one simple rocket scientist. :)
(PS I apologize if this comment is posted twice. I had some problems posting earlier and I'm not sure if it went through)
Ditch "man region," as it doesn't fit a scientist's perspective or a teen who just had sex with that guy. Say nuts, balls, junk, you get the picture...
ReplyDeleteAbsolutely sex in YA, it happens in real life, why beat around the bush or hem haw about the subject (Twilight!)?
This moves too fast for me. Need some more set up, suggesting as someone else did with them getting "locked" in there and going from there.
It was very hard to understand her motivation for racking the guy. It seemed a little too severe to me. She, after all, made the decision to have sex with him, so she's just as much to blame. Then she says that she got what she wanted from him anyway, which makes me think she used him, too.
Ditch "man region," as it doesn't fit a scientist's perspective or a teen who just had sex with that guy. Say nuts, balls, junk, you get the picture...
ReplyDeleteAbsolutely sex in YA, it happens in real life, why beat around the bush or hem haw about the subject (Twilight!)?
This moves too fast for me. Need some more set up, suggesting as someone else did with them getting "locked" in there and going from there.
It was very hard to understand her motivation for racking the guy. It seemed a little too severe to me. She, after all, made the decision to have sex with him, so she's just as much to blame. Then she says that she got what she wanted from him anyway, which makes me think she used him, too.
Another vote for the story not starting in the right place. Does she like him, or hate him? Or herself for being duped?
ReplyDeleteI like the character's strength (but tempered by vulnerability to), quick thinking and immediate damage control, but...I'm not sold on this being the place to start your novel.
ReplyDeleteFirst, we don't know why she slept with him, so starting out this way makes her seem a bit easy. Second, she's obviously smart, so why have risky sex in a public room just because they got 'locked in'? Wouldn't she turn those smarts to breaking out? Locks are easy to pick, and classrooms have phones. She has a cell, too. They could call the front desk and barring that, call a friend to come by and unlock the door.
The above logic and reader assumptions turns this into more of a situation where she 'decides' to take advantage of being 'locked in' to see if she can work some magic with him. Because this is what we take from the situation, it makes her anger out of proportion when she discovers he had the keys. After all, because we don't know about the arch rival thing, it seems likely he did this in order to contrive a situation where they could be together and see where things went...exactly what she used the locked in scenario for.
Coming back to John...I think the fact that we find out she has an arch rival after the fact, and that he just happens to be friends with Kyle...this all comes too late. If we knew about that part of the situation before she finds out he had the keys all along, then I could buy into her thought process that this was all set up by John.
The writing is solid (still, watch words like Stomp and stomp used too close together), but I think maybe the scene set up and characterization don't quite mesh. If you reorder and show us the rivalry first and lead up to this scene, then I think we'll see it more as you intend, make sense?
Anyway, just one opinion, and perhaps others might read into it differently. If my comments work for you great and if not, just discard them with no worries. :)
All the best,
Angela @ The Bookshelf Muse
I too am confused by this MC. Frist, she's warming than she's ever been in her life and later it's John was stupid enough o think I'd fall for Kyle's half-British charm. Well, yea she sure did. Or does she just have sex with any guy whenever the op comes up?
ReplyDeleteI think we're seeing normal teenage mixed-up emotions here with the MC. I'm also getting a hint of cute, bad-guy ends up realy liking the girl he was suppose to trick, but there's not enough to go on and as the mother of a young teen, i kinda hope that last thought isn't right-because that's like saying- if the sex is really good, he'll end up liking you even if his original plan was to trick you as a favor to his friend. Talk about perfomance pressure.
I will say I liked "man region;" it made me chuckle and sounded a lot like what my freshman daughter and her friends would say-more so than balls, though that line was OK with me too. I didn't see any disconnect- injured man region would have been odd and not funny the second time.
I agree with Jamie--at first when I read this snippet I thought we were picking up in the middle of a chapter, rather than the opening pages. Would love to read what came before this, first!
ReplyDeleteSorry, none of this appeals to me. I can't imagine why she'd go from being "warmer than she'd ever been in her entire life" to cursing the guy just because they weren't actually locked in. Is merely getting locked into a room together--so long as it is an "honest" accident--enough nowadays to have passionate sex? Like, if they just went into the room without it being locked, she wouldn't have dreamed of it? I just don't get this at all.
ReplyDelete