TITLE: Treasured Vision
GENRE: Young Adult
Visions are a messy business, child; troublesome doorways better left locked.
The memory of Papa's caution echoed through Nadia's mind as she sat alone in her room, crumpled note in one hand, unlit match in the other. Fear warred against her curiosity to know where he had gone, when he would return. The fear of drowning.
"If death were on the line," she reasoned, and left the thought unfinished. Speaking such things aloud made them too real. Too possible. The feelings she'd been having made her believe her father's life was at stake. Yet she hesitated. There was nothing she would not brave to save her father, but seeing things in a vision did not always mean she would understand them. The pictures that came to her were as often confusing as not, which brought back the question of taking a chance. She might learn something vital or see nothing at all.
And she was afraid.
Papa had explained Shawnee Sight to Nadia, how it ran through Mama's bloodline and might come to her. It had sounded like danger and excitement, like Aladdin's cave of wonders or a jackalope with magic beans. Magical. With all the fervor of a seven-year-old's heart, Nadia had wanted that gift. And until the wish was granted, years later, she had no idea of the fool-brained thing she'd coveted. Her first vision was a terror beyond imagining, all blood and smoke and losing her breath under a sheet of ice--like drowning. She had shivered with fright for days.
I'm sorry but the first part of the story was really hard for me to finish. The last paragraph is what hooked me.
ReplyDeleteI found it really hard to get into your story. The first part rambled on too much, and I lost interest.
ReplyDeleteLike the other said, I'm confused, but the last paragraph made it feel more grounded. I'm not sure I'd read on though.
ReplyDeleteThis is a great image:
ReplyDelete"The memory of Papa's caution echoed through Nadia's mind as she sat alone in her room, crumpled note in one hand, unlit match in the other."
I think your story is really intriguing but I agree that you need to get to it quicker.
I would keep the following from the second major paragraph and cut the rest:
"The feelings she'd been having made her believe her father's life was at stake. Yet she hesitated. There was nothing she would not brave [to do?] to save her father, but seeing things in a vision did not always mean she would understand them.
Then, you can transition to the backstory on the visions from there. And I liked the idea of her looking forward to it as a young girl until she realized what they were like, but I would take out the specific mention of age 7 if she is now older than that. It threw me off.
Great description of the drowning vision at the end.
Good luck!
I was a little confused at first until I got to the third paragraph. If you start out with Nadia believing her father's life is at stake and then go into her fear of visions, it would flow better for me. I'm curious to know what made he think her father was in trouble. What kind of feelings is she having?
ReplyDeleteA bit slow, but maybe because I've read too many other samples tonight - but, on the other hand, that's what an agent would have done too.
ReplyDeleteLast paragraph seems like telling, not showing.
If her father's life is at stake, show it!
I really don't know what to think about this, but in the end I'd have to say not hooked.
ReplyDeleteOkay, well, I debated a bit back there because I liked the descriptions. Although a bit boring, it was pleasant to read.
I wasn't quite jumping and down with that metaphor to Aladdin and magic beans, because I've heard it several timmes before, though. I think what really made up my mind, if I was to read or not, is that I was bored. Simply bored.
Of course, this is a stylistic issue. You probably have an UBER-AWESOME story, but you give no indication to that in the beginning! I know it's only 250 words, but I really don't get a feel for the characters, Nadia or Papa. I don't understand what I'm reading. I would probably need one more paragraph to justify if I was really hooked or not, but if this was all that I was given, I would say no. I would stop, I don't particularly care for the characters or their situation. Sorry.
Good luck, though!
Not hooked, sorry! :(
ReplyDeleteFrom what I gather, this princess is sparring with this guy, and it's apparently a school or training of some sorts. Okay.
I feel like the first paragraph is meant to draw me in, as if she's fighting for her life. We root for the character to win! To kill this anonymous enemy...
...and then it turns out it's all just training.
And my excitement drops down a good ten rungs.
I don't know, felt as if you were trying too hard to grab my attention.
I don't get a feel for this "princess" (by the way, I wasn't fond of the repetition of "princess", as if it was meant to make her more important or something. I think Fawn is a fine name, no need to keep calling her princess) or who she is, except maybe that she's competitive? I know it's just the first hundred words, but I really don't sense that curiousity to read on.
It was also hard for me to get into the action. I mean, the descriptions aren't BAD, I just felt a bit detached. I think adding a bit more emotion would help it a good deal.
Good luck!
--Whoops! My last comment isn't showing up again, but this time I'm prepared and copied my comment. If this turns out to be a double post, feel free to delete one of the! That was not my intention--
ReplyDeleteI really don't know what to think about this, but in the end I'd have to say not hooked.
Okay, well, I debated a bit back there because I liked the descriptions. Although a bit boring, it was pleasant to read.
I wasn't quite jumping and down with that metaphor to Aladdin and magic beans, because I've heard it several timmes before, though. I think what really made up my mind, if I was to read or not, is that I was bored. Simply bored.
Of course, this is a stylistic issue. You probably have an UBER-AWESOME story, but you give no indication to that in the beginning! I know it's only 250 words, but I really don't get a feel for the characters, Nadia or Papa. I don't understand what I'm reading. I would probably need one more paragraph to justify if I was really hooked or not, but if this was all that I was given, I would say no. I would stop, I don't particularly care for the characters or their situation. Sorry.
Good luck, though!
I agree with most of the comments above. The story starts slow. Since there is no real clue what is at stake, the second and third paragraphs lack weight. What exactly is she afraid of? What's happened?
ReplyDeleteOnly now do I think that note and the match have something to do with her visions -- it would be helpful to make that clear earlier (if that's indeed what they are for).
I would put the first sentence in quotes, and I would change Nadia's speech in the third paragraph into a thought. (First thought I had: Why is she talking to herself?)
I believe the story that's the meat of your novel might be really interesting; I don't feel like we get much of it here.
I would not keep reading.
I thought the first two pargs worked well. Papa's caution sets up a tone of mystery, and I want to know what's in the note, and will she burn it? WHy? Is it dangerous?
ReplyDeleteThe thid parg. had me going huh? After some thought, I'm thinking perhaps her musing relates to what's in the note, but since I don't know what's in the note, it makes no sense to me. SHould we know what's in the note? Should we know what she's afaid of in Parg. 4. ANd if Papa's life is on the line, we should know how and why.
The explanation of her visions is all back story and can be brought out later. The bit of mystery you've created withers away as we listen to her ramble. I don't care at this point. I want to know about Papa and what's in the note.
Perhaps give us a bit more of them in the opening, a bit of how Nadia feels about Papa's situation. As is, I wouldn't read on.
I loved the first line. So well written.
ReplyDeleteThe next paragraph was good too.
And then, like many other readers, the 3rd paragraph made no sense at all to me. I think too much telling and not enough showing. Get to the meat quicker - why is her father's life in danger? What's in the note?
I did like your descriptions of what Nadia thought the Shawnee Sight might be like.
Good luck!
I found this a bit confusing, starting with the first line. The tone of it reminded me of an old granny rather than a father, personally. Sorry if that's a stereotyped opinion. Drowning is mentioned twice - is that intentional? I do like the idea that Nadia got a talent that she thought she wanted but that ended up being terrible.
ReplyDeleteHey, Secret Agent here! Hmm. I feel like this was a very vague sample. A lot of these sentences feel like they are pretty cryptic, not specific. “The pictures that came to her were as often confusing as not, which brought back the question of taking a chance.” So, they were confusing, but they weren’t. A chance on what? You’re also hopping around. When did Papa die? What is the present moment? Why do we go back to 7 y.o. Nadia so quickly? I’d start this scene right after Papa’s death and really ground the reader, as I’m feeling lost.
ReplyDelete