TITLE: A SHIVER OF BLUE
GENRE: Young Adult Historical/Paranormal
A shimmer streaked from the edge of my vision, and Cloud reared, bunching up his hind legs so that I locked my knees and drove the length of my arms into his neck. For a second, we froze, suspended in space as his white forelegs arched and the cold air gushed across the empty paddock.
Then the grass came up at us, and he pounded his hooves into it. Again and again, kicking up clumps of green and brown--and then pink--and I realized that his swift reaction had just saved my life. He jabbed a last time, snorted against the bridle, and backed up across the paddock in a trained procession of muscle and movement. I leaned forward to pat his neck with one hand, talking to him while I regained control of the reins and maneuvered him back to see the ground ahead. It was a mash of bits. A long tail, paisley orange and brown, emerged from the mess.
I let out my breath with a hiss. "Copperhead!"
I never was any good at spotting snakes, but a copperhead shouldn't have been this far west. I'd only seen one once, last summer, in a fine wire cage coming off one of the first steam trains to arrive in our town, and that one had been half dead. I tried to suppress a shudder as I imagined the snake stealing through the grass and hiding its russet body in among the sunburned tips. Until it was startled into attack.
I love a good horse story and you've done a great job with the writing. I'm immediately curious as to why this snake is not where it's supposed to be. A minor point, copperheads are rarely poisonous enough to kill a human and definitely not a human, though they will kill a dog (experience).
ReplyDeleteThis reads well, but the logic escapes me - how does her horse killing a snake save her life? She's on horseback - not about to step on the snake or be attacked by it. Copperheads generally bite only when stepped on, and their bites are rarely fatal.
ReplyDeleteI meant to say definitely not a horse.
ReplyDeleteYou start well with action, but I have to admit I was at first confused by the action. I thought she was in battle with a creature (locked knees and drove the length of my forearms into his neck made me picture two creatures facing each other in battle). It became evident on the second paragraph and a quick reread, but you might ant to clean it up a bit to prevent the confusion.
ReplyDeleteI am also quite curious how the paranormal comes in with this very earthly struggle against a snake taking up the first page. The only hint is the snake shouldn't be this far west, but I'm not quite sure it is enough to keep me reading.
Exciting scene! The details of the steam train, the cold air, and being too far west for copperheads helped put me in the scene and made me want to read more. I felt the first two or three paragraphs could be tightened, perhaps told more simply. Some of the artful phrases didn't leave me with quite the right visual . . . "drove the length of my arms into his neck" (maybe grabbed around his neck, or something like that?). I also found myself wanting just a few more hints about the character so that I have an emotion to attach to this action sequence.
ReplyDeleteI felt like I was right there on the horse's back. Nice action-description writing. I figured the horse was killing something, but because this is a paranormal, I excpected it to be something other than a snake.
ReplyDeleteI really would have liked to be oriented in the scene first. It's day/night/, I'm riding my horse minding my own business, etc. For the first couple of paragraphs, I didn't know what the heck was going on. Then I read "hooves" and realized it was a horse.
ReplyDeleteSorry to say there wasn't anything that grabbed me so I wouldn't read on.
I'm interested, but I would like a shorter first line to snag me. Maybe just start with, " A shimmer streaked from the edge of my vision." That line alone opens up a million questions for me.
ReplyDeleteThere's something about this I like. I wasn't confused about what was going on - but I don't care about being oriented, I like to work it all out (as long as it's not too confusing.) I like the fact you aren't rushing to tell me everything about this character right at once.
ReplyDeleteI'd read on because I'm interested in the setting, and despite the fact you've told me very little about the mc, I do want to know more.
The writing is great! However, I think it starts with too much action, because I didn't feel grounded. In other words, I know a lot of details, but nothing concrete to hold me in the scene. I really love your writing, though. It's smooth and descriptive. Good job with that.
ReplyDeleteAnd good luck!
Amy
I would read on because I see lots of potential here but I was sidetracked and confused by some of the details. Sorry, but as someone who's been on a rearing horse the description didn't ring true for me. Some of it is the word choice and some is POV--would she see the bunched hindquarters and those arcing forelegs? Perhaps more of what she FEELS? And snorting through the bridle stopped me dead, since snorting is through the nostrils and the bridle doesn't cover them. These are all simple details to clarify. Overall the concept is appealing and like I said, I'd read on.
ReplyDeleteGreat writing. I love how it opens with action. For a second I thought the shimmer that streaked across her vision was going to be something more on the scary side. But I love how you described it and totally got what was going on. I would totally read on, especially because it's a paranormal and I would want to see when that part comes in to play.
ReplyDeleteSome other critiques have mentioned a need for paranormal in here on page 1, but I'm inclined to disagree. If the horse trampled some kind of paranormal creature right away, I think I'd be even more disoriented. The snake being too far west is enough of a mystery, and I like a paranormal story that isn't blatantly vampires or anything from the get go. However, you could add intrigue to the snake by having it also be bigger than normal, or the fangs dripping with a lot of venom, or something. I don't know what's normal for copperheads, but if this character knows and she sees that the size AND location are off...instant boost to the mystery.
ReplyDeleteI also think this needs slowing down. You have beautiful description, but this is action. It should be heart-pounding, fast, etc. Also, it's first person, so I should have a good idea of how the MC feels. Her horse rears out of nowhere and all we get is her physical reaction--to hold on. What about the emotional? And the best way to show that, to get us in sync with your character's physical and emotional state, is to have her riding peacefully first. Is she out for a pleasure ride? Out taking a message to someone? Set that scene, and then end the 250 words with the horse rearing up out of nowhere. It'll be a shock. The reader will ask why...and read on to find out. The snake killing/discovery can go on pages 2 and 3. But you have to do it with emotion, too. Emotion adds depth. The MC's emotion shows the reader how shocked and intrigued they should be by the snake's appearance.
The first image--that Cloud brought his hind legs up is clear and well-written--and how your CC sunk her/his into the horse's neck, but then you lose me with forelegs arched. It feels like there should be a pause between the two. I get that the horse bucks, but then is it rearing? I think your CC would have to adjust in the saddle to take both extreme postures. I like there's a snake that's not from around the area and the steam train reference to frame your historical perspective. Since your CC starts out on a horse, I almost want her/him thrown from the horse--an expert rider--and then turns to face the dead snake. Also, maybe add a little more descriptor on what the horse is kicking up--clumps of brown dirt and green grass with pinky flesh--something visceral that shows the CC's familiarity with the setting.
ReplyDeleteI agree with Sara's comments about the snake. My other problem with this piece was that there wasn't enough of a hook to keep me reading. The threat is dispatched by the end of the first page. Based on what is here I wouldn't keep reading, but if it was accompanied by an interesting back-cover blurb or query letter I'd probably turn the page as you write well, and I liked the detail of the steam train being used to set the time period.
ReplyDeleteI got the opening image of a horse rearing up in the air, but I didn't feel any tension or suspense or sense of worry. WHen the MC says the horse just may have saved her life, my first thought was that I didn't even think she was in any danger. How did the horse save her life?
ReplyDeletePerhaps add something to that opening that shows her fear, her discomfort on the rearing horse. As KE Cooper said, get some emotion in there. If the MC is scared, we'll be scared for her. If she's worried, we'll be worried, too. If all you do is describe something, you're not making the reader feel anything.
There's also no hook. You resolved the situation with the dead snake, so there's no reason to turn the page. Someone mentioned ending the 250 words with the horse just then rearing up. That would work nicely. Then you'd have your page turner and could go on to the killing of the snake.
Not hooked, sorry. All that happens is she's riding and there's a snake on the ground, which dies straight away. I get to know very little about your MC, not even their gender, nor much about the world s/he lives in.
ReplyDeleteI was also totally confused by the first paragraph and it took me a reread before I realised she was on a horse. Then you say the horse saved her life, *before* telling us what the danger was. I know nothing about snakes (I've never heard of a copperhead so for a moment I thought she was calling out to someone with that name, but that could just be my ignorance) but would this snake really be big enough to attack her while she's on a horse?
If the snake is important to the plot, I'd suggest tightening up this scene, making it clearer and adding a bit more emotion. If it's not important, I'd consider starting somewhere else, perhaps in her town, where you could slip in some more info about the MC and their world, and maybe find a better hook.
What I liked: Strong, active writing, a point of high tension to start, and an interesting genre.
ReplyDeleteWhat needed work: I had to read the opening paragraph twice to realize the main character was riding atop a horse. Once I got that, however, the rest made sense.
Would I keep reading? Yes.