TITLE: Abegale Force
GENRE: Middle Grade
I'll never get to Maiden Villas before Stephanie gets back from church and find out what Mrs. Egremony was talking about last night, when she rushed us out of her house saying, " your Grandmother Rose is far --but near?"
I'm going berserk. I guess she didn't want to say anything in front of Stephanie, but she's my best friend --we don't keep secrets.
I can hardly take another breath and stand on my pedals, to make it up the last of the hill to Ridge Road. I would have come sooner, but I had to watch Jeremy until Mom got home. Now I'm a racing like a firebird on my bicycle, I call Phoenix.
Stephanie's family moved into the Villas a couple weeks ago, and Mrs. Egremony's their new landlady. She seems nice, I guess. But she tells me, she knew my Grandmother Rose years ago--before she disappeared-- and before I was born.
Nam vanished in the Andes Mountains three years ago. The police never found her; so I guess there's always been hope. I've always had hope.
I turn right onto Ridge Road -- a crow swoops in front of me, and squawks-- piercing my eardrums; I swerve my bike and hit a rock--falling facedown into the asphalt rubble.
A slow moving car is coming.
My first reaction is that there are so many people - Stephanie, Mrs. Egremony, Jeremy, Grandma Rose, Mom, and the main character. Who is really important at the beginning of the book? I'm also wondering why it matters that Stephanie will beat the main character to Mrs. Egremony's place. If Mrs. Egremony didn't want to talk in front of Stephanie last night (and the main character doesn't care if she did), what would change that at this point?
ReplyDeleteBasically, there are a lot of elements that distracted me from the main point, which seems to be that Mrs. Egremony knew Grandma Rose. Is Stephanie an integral part of this beginning, or could you focus on Grandma Rose from the start?
I'm interested in the core idea--Grandma Rose (Nam?? Are these the same people?) vanished in the Andes, and Mrs. Egremony knew her. That's your hook and what will keep someone reading. But I agree with Lady G Pendragon on the names. The opening paragraphs of a book are key locations. They let your reader know who, above all, is going to be important for the book. When you have too many names, it's hard for the reader to weight the importance of all these characters, and it becomes confusing.
ReplyDeleteI do like the *idea* of the story, though--and I think it will come clearer as you filter out just what is and isn't important to list right off the bat.
This is an interesting idea, having G'ma lost in the Andes and then running into someone who may know something about that. It's a nice mystery and a nice opening. But you're telling us too much. You're giving us info that just doesn't matter. You could cut pargs 2 and 3 completely. And the first parg is a really, really long sentence.
ReplyDeleteIf the MC tells us what he is doing, rather than explaining all the back story, this would be much shorter and much stronger. As RLG said, concentrate on G'ma being lost in the ANdes and Mrs. E. knowing something about that.
I agree with the other posts, there are too many names so early on. You need to slow this down. Too many names, and too much information too early on. You definately convey the intensity and fear well, but in your rush to get the story started, you put in too much, and the reader will be lost.
ReplyDeleteMy advice...slow it way down. Sometimes, a slower beginning will build suspense even better. Definately hold back some of the characters until a few pages later.
Wow! There's a lot going on here. Slow down a little. The first sentence is too long and there is too much going on in it. I had to read it three times to figure out what it even said.
ReplyDeleteThen there are so many names, so many characters to keep straight. And at this point, I don't even know who the MC is.
The idea is good. I like the mystery element, and that your narrator gets a clue right off the bat, but maybe show us that scene, rather than bringing us in after the fact,
Too much going on. I'd focus on the missing grandma, and work around that. The last line threw me off. After all that rushing around, it's like hitting a sudden brake. Instead of a slow moving car, tell us if it's a creaking, rusty car which is expected to be slow? Or is it a sleek machine? If so, we're left wondering why it's moving slow. Is the MC in danger?
ReplyDeleteI like the voice in this, and I love the idea. A vanished grandmother and a newcomer who knows something about it. Love Mrs. Egremony's cryptic comment about far but near. I think you need to simplify the first sentence so that the reader can focus on Abegale rushing to see Mrs. Egremony. I think it's okay to leave some of the detail until a bit later, because the reader will be drawn into Abegail's sense of urgency to get there fast, and then you can explain why--because she doesn't want to talk about it in front of Stephanie. I want to know who's in the car :)
ReplyDeleteI found the beginning confusing. It's usually best to anchor the character in a concrete location and have her doing something interesting before you start to mention so many other characters. Setting the stage should come before her problems. There were a few typos.
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(add or comments)
I'll never get to Maiden Villas before Stephanie gets back from church and find out what Mrs. Egremony was talking about last night, when she rushed us out of her house saying, [" your Grandmother Rose is far --but near?"]
("Your Grandmother Rose is far--but near.")
(It's not clear why this is a question.)
I'm going berserk. I guess she didn't want to say anything in front of Stephanie, but she's [my best friend --we don't] keep secrets.
(my best friend--we don't)
I can hardly take another breath and stand on my pedals, (no comma) to make it up the last of the hill to Ridge Road. I would have come sooner, but I had to watch Jeremy until Mom got home. Now I'm a racing like a firebird on my bicycle, (period) I call (it) Phoenix.
Stephanie's family moved into the Villas a couple weeks ago, and Mrs. Egremony's their new landlady. She seems nice, I guess. But she tells me, she knew my Grandmother Rose years ago--before [she disappeared-- and before] I was born. (she disappeared--and before)
Nam vanished in the Andes Mountains three years ago. The police never found her; so I guess there's always been hope. I've always had hope.
I turn right onto Ridge [Road -- a crow] (Road--a crow) swoops in front of me, and squawks-- (comma, not dash) piercing my eardrums; I swerve my bike [and] (comma) hit a [rock--falling] (and fall) facedown into the asphalt rubble.
A slow moving car is coming.
(The fact the car is 'slow-moving' takes away some of the tension. Perhpas, just: A car is coming.)
What I liked: The idea of a grandmother disappearing into the mountains, and how that could potentially impact the main character. The voice was decent.
ReplyDeleteWhat needed work: Far too much going on for a first page, difficult to tell which characters are most important, some issues with sentence structure, including a few run-ons. Also, an abundance of dashes and semicolons made the rhythm very herky-jerky.
Would I continue reading based on this first page? Unfortunately, no.
Lots going on - too much to keep my interested. You've obviously got a great idea and your enthusiasm shows through, really it does, but you need to slow it way down and stick to making us care about your main character first - most of the other characters can wait. Try doing a complete rewrite of your first chapter and see what happens... worked for me! Good luck!
ReplyDeleteThank you all so much--I've always felt the beginning was the weakest and it has been changed several times. I will use all these great comments to revise. Btw--It is a rusty broken down car coming and I cheated a little, cutting the sentence. THANK YOU Secret Agent for this great blog.
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