What's Broken: The Approach

Okay, time to jump in!

The critique approach for this round, rather than our usual "Are you hooked?", is more a critical eye to what may not be working.  We already know that our five brave entrants see these excerpts as broken, so the critters' job is more that of sleuth, really.

As in, what IS broken?

So while still using the incredible tact and grace that's a hallmark around here, dig into these five excerpts with an eye for what they need to make them work.

It might be something really small that the author simply couldn't see.  Or it might be a cascade failure--back to the drawing board.  Perhaps the dialogue is stilted, or there's so much "telling" that the forward motion doesn't exist.

All righty -- have fun!