TITLE: Mind Over Anti-Matter
GENRE: MG action/adventure
The explosion was so not my fault.
Well, maybe I had a little to do with it.
Okay, so Josh Thesman got the idea from me. But it wasn't like I gave him the materials. Or even told him to do it. When you steal someone's entry for an invention contest, you really should realize there might be consequences for trying it out. It was supposed to be a spray to keep your socks fresh for two weeks straight. With the substitution of one tiny ingredient, apparently, it becomes a flaming meteor crater on the lunch table. Who would have guessed?
I glance at Josh's empty desk as pencils scratch test papers around me, and I fight down a shiver. I could have been suspended, too. Ms. Drachen clears her throat, and I look down at my completed test paper. The teacher's unblinking eyes seem to burn a hole in the side of my head, her silent accusation sucking all the air out of the room.
Hey, I'm the innocent one, remember? The one who was robbed?
A knock interrupts Ms. Drachen's glare, and reluctantly she goes to answer it. Air rushes in, and long, super-curly hair creeps around the door frame. Corinna Schwartz, my next-door neighbor.
"I'm here to get Cole Uribe," she says. I'm impressed she can stare down the Dragonlady so coolly.
"He's taking a test right now," Ms. Drachen says, trying to shut the door.
It hits Corinna's foot. "The secretary asked me to get him."
I love this one. Totally hooked. Great voice and I wonder what's going to happen.
ReplyDeleteThis is good. I was skimming through and had to stop and come back for this. That's a good sign. :)
ReplyDeleteThis starts out with a bang -- literally. And then it continues with Josh-tension and teacher-tension to keep me reading. But I especially love Cole's voice. Nice job.
ReplyDeleteHaha, love it, the beginning made me laugh. Great title as well. Nice and clear, excellent voice... I'd definitely read on.
ReplyDeleteGreat title. Great opening line. Great first three paragraphs!
ReplyDeleteYou might cut - Hey, I'm the innocent one, remember? The one who was robbed?
It seemed like overkill, but otherwise, I loved it!
Oh, and he's right. It wasn't his fault. ;-)
Really great voice. Funny and engaging. The characters all pop off the page. Love it!
ReplyDeleteI like the voice too and the opener is great. There are a few things I'd change:
ReplyDelete1) "When you steal someone's entry for an invention contest, you really should realize there might be consequences for trying it out." -> This would read better if you applied it to Josh. It also sounds later like he didn't try it (he morphed it).
2) "it becomes" should be "it became" if this actually happened (which it did). I realize that you're probably trying to talk in the theoretical for effect but I personally think it is confusing since the beginning of this is not in the theoretical.
3) I'm not sure I like this line either: "Hey, I'm the innocent one, remember? The one who was robbed?" Who is he supposed to be talking to? The teacher? And how was he robbed?
4) He can't know that a knock interrupts her glare if he is looking at his test paper. He also can know that she is reluctant to answer the door. You have to use showing here in order for him to assume it.
Good luck!
This one drew me in right away. Always a good sign. I like the use of present tense as well as the dialogue. Great work
ReplyDeleteThis is great. The voice is fantastic and I'm really interested to see what happens.
ReplyDeleteI'd definitely keep reading.
Loved the voice in this one. And it's funny. Hooked!
ReplyDeleteBest of luck!
Amy
The hook of the first line and the voice had me laughing as I read this entry, pulled me into the story. Well done! I'd love to read more.
ReplyDeleteI think this is great, and I just love the voice! The first paragraph was a bit confusing because it wasn't clear who stole what from who. Also, be careful of using "look", "seem", and repeating words.
ReplyDeleteWhat I liked: Strong voice, starting with action, main character feels real right away. I like, too, how with one action (wedging her foot in the door), we get a sense of Corinna as a character.
ReplyDeleteWhat needed work: Watch clichés, like “the teacher’s unblinking eyes seem to burn a hole in the side of my head.”
Would I continue reading based on this sample? Yes.
Coming here too late to give any new thoughts but just wanted to say how much I liked this one.
ReplyDeleteThanks so much for all the comments and suggestions! I really appreciate it. :)
ReplyDelete