TITLE: Drifting Into You
GENRE: Contemporary YA
Watching him, I have this unexpected flash of that girl at Starbucks—the one at the drive-thru—her face all giddy, seemingly incapacitated by Jere’s looks. What a crazy thought to have. Jere is just Jere. Right?
The senior party out at Devil’s Cove was supposed to be sixteen-year-old, Annley’s chance to jump the cliffs. But ever since she left the edge, and Kyle Garrett decided to jump in after her, she can’t seem to get her head back above water. Kyle isn’t the boy Annley used to daydream about. He’s arrogant. He’s manipulative. He’s overpowering. And now he’s causing Annley to drift further away from everyone she loves—her comatose sister, her self-centered mother, her selective mute best friend.
But just when Annley thinks she might sink, her sister’s boyfriend, Jeremy, offers her a hand and a ride that could change everything. Jeremy’s nothing like Kyle. In fact, he’s a gentlemen and just what Annley needs to get her through all those grief-stricken nights. But when a simple drive turns into something more, Annley has to decide what’s more important…her sister or a boy.
No. I was on the fence with this one. The stakes were too unclear for me to say yes, though.
ReplyDeleteNo. Loved the hook paragraph, but the cliff/water/sinking metaphor didn't pull me in.
ReplyDeleteNo. I didn't engage with the opening of being surprised a guy is attractive, or the sister-or-boyfriend dilemma. Maybe because I don't know how serious the sister-boyfriend relationship is?
ReplyDeleteNo. I got lost with all the names. I got too much of a sense of the characters without enough understanding of what actually happens plot wise.
ReplyDeleteIt's a no for me, sorry. I wasn't really with you on the cliff metaphor, and I don't get a strong sense of Annley.
ReplyDeleteNo. The plot was a bit confusing, and what was the meaning behind all the water metaphors?
ReplyDeleteNo. She's going to steal her comatose sister's boyfriend? How is choosing between her sister and a boy even a choice?
ReplyDeleteNo. I can't like a character who fools around with her sister's boyfriend, and I already know the answer to the question: her sister is more important. If she chooses anything else, I'll just want to forehead-flick her.
ReplyDeleteNo. Using too much metaphor isn't a good idea in a query. Plus the dilemma isn't very strong in my opinion.
ReplyDeleteNo. The first line was a clever idea, but needs tweaking.
ReplyDeleteNo. Nothing stands out or grabs me about this. (Besides, we already know the answer: her sister.)
ReplyDeleteNo. I agree with Utsav. Reads like a metaphor and I want to know the real story.
ReplyDeleteYes :) I like the metaphor, I like the lyrical nature of the writing. The conflict, to me, is clear. I hear a strong voice here.
ReplyDeleteNo. It's confusing for you to talk about "Jere" in the first paragraph and then not mention him again until the last paragraph. I was also thrown off by the mention of the mom and "selective mute best friend." Maybe put the focus more on how she knows her sister is more important than a boy, but she has to figure out a way to fight temptation.
ReplyDeleteIt was no when you opened with an excerpt. Then the first bit of the middle paragraph caught my interest. Then it was muddled with too many people and by the end I couldn't remember which one the sister was.
ReplyDeleteNo for me
Yes. Growing up I had a crush on my sister's boyfriend. He was older and adorable. I don't see this as much about the choice as the emotional journey.
ReplyDeleteNo. The jumping/water metaphor confused me. Is her sister really in a coma? Or just really bland? A couple of typos in here. Basically I think the story is a good story for YA, but the query is not specific enough in its details and has too many metaphors.
ReplyDeleteNo. I need more concrete details about what the plot actually is. What's the status of her relationship with Kyle? Too much metaphor and not enough actual plot. Also, having both a comatose sister and a selective mute best friend makes me worry there's too much forced conflict.
ReplyDeleteNo - I'm totally confused.
ReplyDeleteNo from me but I think this one could be tightened and I might have a different opinion. The cliff diving metaphor feels stretched. I'd rather hear about the story in a more straight forward manner with more focus on the main conflict earlier.
ReplyDeleteNo. But it could probably be a yes if you took a different approach. Opening with an excerpt was weird. The heavy metaphor throughout left me with no sense of your MC. And everyone is right that a girl who steal a guy from her comatose sister is not going to be very sympathetic.
ReplyDeleteI know we're not supposed to be doing in depth critiques here, but I really think if you focus on your MC's feelings and conflicts and tell us who she is so we can all be in that place of sympathy--who hasn't had a thing for a sister or bff's guy?-- then at the very end you can drop the bombshell about sis being in a coma to up the stakes of the decision.
NO, because of opening with an excerpt. It is common to fall for a sibling's boy or girlfriend. You often have a lot in common with your sibling (or friend), so it's reasonable you could be attracted to the same kinds of people. It's part of growing up and learning to deal with temptation, so you don't later run off with your BFF"s hubby. Could be a good read. Re-query without the excerpt and you'll get a yes.:)
ReplyDeleteNo. The opening line does not really impact me - it confuses me. Is this an excerpt? Also, I try to bond with the MC in novels and Annley's interest in sissy's boyfriend while she is comatose is def a negative for me. :'(
ReplyDeleteNo. I like the stakes - I think they're interesting, and they're *real* for me in this query, but there are too many adjectives before each character, so I'm thinking that might be a problem in the story as well.
ReplyDeleteNo, alas. The use of the sinking metaphor throughout the query did not work for me and makes me worried if the same metaphor runs through the novel as well.
ReplyDeleteNo, alas. The use of the sinking metaphor throughout the query did not work for me and makes me worried if the same metaphor runs through the novel as well.
ReplyDeleteNo. Didn't draw me in enough to want to keep reading.
ReplyDeleteNo. I was turned off by starting with an excerpt and nothing further on changed my mind.
ReplyDeleteNo. The metaphor confused me. I had to check the genre. I thought Kyle was actually pulling her away to something fantastical. Maybe I'm just too literal.
ReplyDeleteNo. I would remove the excerpt at the beginning, because I don't think it serves a purpose. Also, Annley seems kind of weak-willed, which isn't appealing to me.
ReplyDeleteNo - SueJay had great comments; the excerpt and the metaphors felt like a distraction. I think focusing earlier on the conflict brought up at the end of the query will help. Maybe spell out a bit more what's at stake if she chooses a boy over her sister.
ReplyDeleteNo. The opening did nothing for me (it's hard to be dropped in the middle with no context). The water metaphors lost me (I couldn't tell when they were supposed to be literal or not). The choice at the end might be compelling, but I was too caught up by everything else to care at that point.
ReplyDeleteI read the whole thing, and am commenting, which I haven't with others. I wouldn't get down about all the no's--it means a new query, not necessarily a new story. I like the plot and it is very clear.
ReplyDeleteNo. It was close but I was bothered that a whole paragraph was devoted to her relationship with Kyle... and then he's not even one of the choices in the end.
ReplyDeleteYes! Although I'd leave sample out because that's what pages are for. I also didn't think the stakes were high enough (the last sentence), but I was still intrigued.
ReplyDeleteThis one would be a no for me because of the metaphor. Queries should be direct, not abstract, so when I read "jump the cliffs," I thought she actually jumped off a cliff and wondered why. Then, when I realized it was a metaphor, I wondered if the thing that hooked me-cliff jumping-was not part of the story. The rest of the metaphor is so abstract as to hide what really happens. Is this just a love story? Is it just about Kyle being the wrong boy? What's the external goal - the thing she physically wants? Not even romance novels are all about love; there's always another element, and right now that seems to be missing from your query.
ReplyDeleteThings I was confused on - did she actually jump off a cliff, why?
Was Kyle saving her? Why?
Did she then date Kyle? Why?
What is so grief-sricken about her nights? What is the family problem? Is it just the comatose sister, or something bigger?
How/why does Annley have to choose between her comatose sister and a boy? Because if the boy doesn't want her to visit her sister...he's not the right boy.
I don't mean these as criticisms. I listed these question to show where and why I'm confused by this query. The only questions you want an agent asking after reading a query are the ones along the lines of what happens next? Not why is this happening? Hopefully knowing where you lost the reader will help you spruce this up!
This was a clever angle on a query, but I definitely think a more traditional approach, sans metaphor, will serve you well. The writing here is good, though.
No. Your MC is too passive and I was confused about why she would have to choose between her sister and a boy. (I didn't get that one of the boys was her sister's boyfriend. Was he?) Also, did she actually jump off a cliff?
ReplyDeleteNo. Kudos for taking the risk, and using a different approach to the query, but it did not pay off and came across as too clever.
ReplyDelete