Yes, but I wasn't really hooked till the last paragraph and the conflict with Jacks. And I think even this needs to be less vague. Can you give more of a hint of who he is?
I would drop the first sentence. Too many queries start with the 'she thinks she's just an ordinary girl' line, and it doesn't seem to fit here.
Yes. Space pirates, duh. Leave out ordinary. Call her something else. Use that line to tell us a little about Violet, and what makes her special. No one wants ordinary. For example, excuse my geek,"Violet sees herself as just a pyramid captain who's afraid of reavers and has never kissed a boy, but unfortunately..."
Also a handsome Pirate named Jacks is too close to an eyeliner wearing handsome pirate named Jack. I couldn't get Johnny Depp out of my head while I read this.
Yes - I'm intrigued. But I'd say naming a pirate "Jacks" is way too distracting, and I'd suggest changing it so you don't sound like you're trying so hard to capitalize on Johnny Depp. Also: tell us in that first paragraph that her father is missing.
I love the idea of space pirates, and the writing is fine. But there's too much information--what has she done to get such a huge bounty, what happened to her father, what's the Alliance, who is Jacks, really--that I would need to have a solid interest in the story.
Yes - I like the overall premise; a few commenters made good suggestions about explaining the stakes a little further, as well as Violet's motivations.
No. I wanted to like it (because SPACE pirates), but I don't get a sense of who violet is and what makes it stands out. (Personal preference, too, because I'm not big on everything--EVERYTHING--being romance.)
Yes! I thought this was a good query and clearly spelled out the basics of the story. Which I find intriguing and fun! Send me many pages, like, all of them!
No - I really like your first line, and I love pirate stories, but your query left me a bit confused. The seetting/premise didn't seem unique, and if Jacks is a pirate, why is he so difficult to trust / different from her father?
Just a PS~ "Jacks" didn't evoke Johnny Depp in eyeliner and ruffles for me, but for those who think it's too close, what if you spelled it "Jax"? Jax The Space Pirate sounds cooler anyway!
No. Good explanation of the plot, but I didn't get a good feel for Violet. Why is she trying to find her father? What's in it for her?
ReplyDeleteYes. You had me at space pirates.
ReplyDeleteYes! Girl space pirates for the win!
ReplyDeleteYes. As a sci-fi geek (Firefly!) I'm interested in your take on space pirates.
ReplyDeleteTentative no. I'm not clear on what the specific conflict is, and it sounds pretty heavy on the romance.
ReplyDeleteNo. Too vague on the identities hinted in the query. Also Alliance and Corsair make me think of Star Wars, with Violet playing Han Solo.
ReplyDeleteNo. What daughter of a space pirate thinking about turning herself in to feed a planet would consider herself "Ordinary"
ReplyDeleteNo. Space pirates are awesome and the concept sounds neat. But I want to get a better sense of Violet's personality.
ReplyDeleteYes. But I found 'finding out' about Jacks a bit too vague and don't understand why she's searching for her father. More specifics, please.
ReplyDeleteYes. A little more detail about Jack's true nature and her own betrayal would help, but I would ask for pages.
ReplyDeleteYes. A little more detail about Jack's true nature and her own betrayal would help, but I would ask for pages.
ReplyDeleteYes. There are some questions I would have liked answered here, but the overall conflict and hook are clear, and I want more.
ReplyDeleteNo - I don't see the story, only a bad situation. I don't see what's personally at stake for Violet.
ReplyDeleteYes. Clear stakes and good writing. And of course, SPACE PIRATES!
ReplyDeleteNo.
ReplyDeleteA little too much detail and the goal is too washed out.
Yes, I'd ask for a partial. Because SPACE PIRATES! But only a partial because I don't get much of a sense of Violet yet.
ReplyDeleteYes, but I wasn't really hooked till the last paragraph and the conflict with Jacks. And I think even this needs to be less vague. Can you give more of a hint of who he is?
ReplyDeleteI would drop the first sentence. Too many queries start with the 'she thinks she's just an ordinary girl' line, and it doesn't seem to fit here.
Yes. Entirely because she'd turn herself in to feed a small planet.
ReplyDeleteNo for me
ReplyDeleteNo but real close - add something unique about the Empire or pirates to make it stand out more. Good voice.
ReplyDeleteYes. Space pirates, duh. Leave out ordinary. Call her something else. Use that line to tell us a little about Violet, and what makes her special. No one wants ordinary. For example, excuse my geek,"Violet sees herself as just a pyramid captain who's afraid of reavers and has never kissed a boy, but unfortunately..."
ReplyDeleteAlso a handsome Pirate named Jacks is too close to an eyeliner wearing handsome pirate named Jack. I couldn't get Johnny Depp out of my head while I read this.
Yes - I'm intrigued. But I'd say naming a pirate "Jacks" is way too distracting, and I'd suggest changing it so you don't sound like you're trying so hard to capitalize on Johnny Depp. Also: tell us in that first paragraph that her father is missing.
ReplyDeleteNo.
ReplyDeleteI love the idea of space pirates, and the writing is fine. But there's too much information--what has she done to get such a huge bounty, what happened to her father, what's the Alliance, who is Jacks, really--that I would need to have a solid interest in the story.
Yes. And not just because a girl space pirate is cool. It hits all the YA tropes and still manages to be original.
ReplyDeleteYes. A bit confusing about which side she's on, but I'd definitely request pages.
ReplyDeleteYes - I like the overall premise; a few commenters made good suggestions about explaining the stakes a little further, as well as Violet's motivations.
ReplyDeleteNo. I wanted to like it (because SPACE pirates), but I don't get a sense of who violet is and what makes it stands out. (Personal preference, too, because I'm not big on everything--EVERYTHING--being romance.)
ReplyDeleteNo. I love me some space pirates, but I don't feel connected to Violet and some of the world-building feels simplistic to me. Sorry.
ReplyDeleteYes! I thought this was a good query and clearly spelled out the basics of the story. Which I find intriguing and fun! Send me many pages, like, all of them!
ReplyDeleteNo - I really like your first line, and I love pirate stories, but your query left me a bit confused. The seetting/premise didn't seem unique, and if Jacks is a pirate, why is he so difficult to trust / different from her father?
ReplyDeleteI'm on the fence on this one but leaning toward no. Space pirates aren't my thing and the query seems a little muddled.
ReplyDeleteJust a PS~ "Jacks" didn't evoke Johnny Depp in eyeliner and ruffles for me, but for those who think it's too close, what if you spelled it "Jax"? Jax The Space Pirate sounds cooler anyway!
ReplyDeleteYes. Love the title. Love the space pirates. I'd look forward to reading what your do with it.
ReplyDelete