TITLE: INSATIABLE
GENRE: YA Fantasy
Every night when the houselights go down, seventeen-year-old kinetic Charlie Brimm is the first on the dance floor. Among the crush of bodies packed against the stage, he secretly feasts on the brilliant auras of the human crowd around him. The music brings out their energy, and that energy keeps Charlie alive and healthy—if not completely satisfied.
When Charlie meets bard-faery and rock singer, Len, one taste of her silver aura satisfies Charlie’s appetite for energy like no human aura he’s ever absorbed. Charlie likes Len for more than just her energy. But, as he's getting close to her, he discovers the fae band is kidnapping the most troubled teens from their shows in preparation for a sacrifice to an ancient faery. The ritual also calls for a kinetic vessel, and Charlie’s voracious appetite makes him the perfect candidate. If he can be kept from Len.
The more of Len’s aura Charlie absorbs, the less energy he needs to recharge. That’s bad news for the band, but Charlie creates another kink in their hopes for power and glory. Len’s falling for him. The closer she and Charlie get, the more defiant she becomes about gathering the city’s teens for the offering. And an empty vessel won’t do.
Charlie doesn’t want to drain the teens of their energy or to be eaten in turn. If he wants to save himself and the kidnapped teens, he needs to avoid the band until the fall equinox. But that means letting Len go and returning to a life of nightly feedings and an insatiable hunger.
No from me. You need to make sure you list the basics of your novel (title, genre, word count), and condense the plot description. The purpose of a query is to entice the agent in question to reading your manuscript, not provide a complete synopsis. Your story sounds really interesting, though!
ReplyDeleteNo from me. While there is an interesting premise in here somewhere (feeding on energy? Sounds good to me) I'm lost in a sea of plot points.
ReplyDeleteNo. Too confusing and too many plot points. Interesting concept though.
ReplyDeleteNo. I think you have some really interesting concepts, but your query had too much going on.
ReplyDeleteNo. I like the premise, but I rapidly became confused with all the plots. This seemed more like an overly-condensed synopsis than a query.
ReplyDeleteIt's a no for me. I loved the sensory details, but I didn't get a clear sense of the conflict.
ReplyDeleteNo. It didn't pull me in.
ReplyDeleteNo.
ReplyDeleteInteresting concept but I'd caution against providing so much detail right up front.
No. I was intrigued by the premise, but got lost in all the plot.
ReplyDeleteIf I was an agent, this would be a case of me reading the pages. I'm on the fence with the query. I think it can be tighter, less confusing, but I was captured by the story idea from the start.
ReplyDeleteNo right now--because it reads more like a blurb and I'm a bit overloaded with all the info. While I like the energy-feeding angle, the faeries/rock scene element is too familiar to make me want to read more.
ReplyDeleteStarting from the top yours is the first query I actually read through because it was interesting enough. The story is simple enough but the confuse, apparently everyone was very confused, comes from the details in information. I'd read the pages to see how they track.
ReplyDeleteYes, but only to see first pages. The query is too long, with too many plot points.
ReplyDeleteNo from me
ReplyDeleteNo. This reads like the rules to a complicated board game. Underneath that I think there is a very usable story, but query needs to be rethought.
ReplyDeleteNo. It's an interesting premise, but the main conflict doesn't grip me enough. All those kids' lives are at stake, but the main conflict is that the MC is going to quit going to the club and risk being hungry? It just isn't a compelling conflict to me.
ReplyDeleteFenced. It's complex and kind of confusing. I'd probably ask for the first 50, because it shows promise. But if I were too busy, I'd pass.
ReplyDeleteNo. I love this premise, but I'm hung up on the plot. Why can't Len just leave the band? You might have a really great answer, but if I'm asking, then an agents probably is to. There just doesn't seem to be any immediacy in the conflict. Yes sucking the souls of troubled teens is bad, but there seems to be a dozen different simple solutions to the problems which means low tension.
ReplyDeleteYes. I'd request a partial because the premise is interesting and I want to see the actual writing. The query is a little confusing but, for me, the premise is interesting enough that I'd take the time to read some pages of this one.
ReplyDeleteYes. I liked the premise enough to want to see the first three chapters to see how the novel actually reads.
ReplyDeleteEven though I think your query needs a bit more focus, I would request more pages to see if your writing is compelling enough to satisfy me. I like this set-up.
ReplyDeleteNo. Avoid the band for only a handful of days or weeks to save your life, and then you can see them again? Where's the dilemma in that?
ReplyDeleteNo. The query is too confusing. Premise sounds interesting (I think), but honestly I'm not even sure what the premise is exactly.
ReplyDeleteSounds like an interesting premise but the query is over-cluttered. I'd probably ask for pages though....
ReplyDeleteNo. This starts off well but I get lost in the middle of paragraph two.
ReplyDeleteNo. Honestly, if you'd ended the second paragraph with a hook you might have had me. Went on too long and got less interesting.
ReplyDeleteThis one's a no for me for two reasons: (1) The overabundance of details makes the writing a bit heavy handed, and it makes me worry the writing in the story would be similarly dense. (2) The conflict seems weak.
ReplyDeleteThe conflict is actually the bigger of these two problems. If the only reason he can't avoid the band until the fall equinox is that he might be hungry like before, and he might have to go without seeing Len for a while, then it's actually uncompelling. He survived without Len before, and he can see her after the equinox...if she's on his side, she'd understand, if not come with him and leave the band, yes? (If the answer is no, then it's safe to say the most important detail of your story is missing.)
No. I agree with K.E. above about him avoiding the band until fall. Seems like a weak reason.
ReplyDeleteI love this premise, but I agree with the comments above about the stakes. I don't really understand why, if Len is falling for Charlie, they don't just run off together. It seems (from the query, might not be the case in the book) like the writer is trying to force the conflict.
ReplyDeleteNo. I'm significantly confused by the world building, and I 100% agree with K.E. Cooper above about the non-compelling choice.
ReplyDeleteI'm going to say no. It was a confusing choice. On one hand, the query was well written and pretty easy to understand (if I read it right). But something in the stakes and choices part bothered me. He can be fully satisfied his appetite (when he's got a workable system already going) as long as he's willing to kill people and then get eaten? Things seem off balance there for me.
ReplyDeleteNo, no fairies for me. Also, the stakes are too low and the solution too easy.
ReplyDelete