TITLE: The Boyfriend Plague
GENRE: YA Contemporary
Dear Authoress,
#insert well researched reason for picking agent here# I thought you might be interested in my 84 000 word novel, THE BOYFRIEND PLAGUE.
Things at home are rough for fifteen-year-old Livvie Quinn. Jules, her beloved older sister is sick again after being cancer free for almost ten years. Her mom becomes more frantic and unapproachable every day. School isn’t much better. Just when she needs them most, her closest friends get boyfriends and have little time for Livvie – except to set her up on a series of disastrous blind dates.
Livvie seeks refuge in the art room - the one place her synesthesia helps rather than hinders - and finds Bianca, the school ‘freak’. Free-spirited and confident, Bianca is everything Livvie isn’t. Shaken by her mom’s desperation, her sister’s deteriorating condition, and abandoned by her friends, Livvie finds comfort and an attraction she never felt before with Bianca.
When their relationship is discovered, Livvie and Bianca become victims of persecution and bullying. School authorities won’t help and even forbid the pair to attend the Winter Formal as a couple. If Livvie defies them and goes, she risks expulsion and further ridicule from her classmates. At home, her mother’s behavior escalates to new levels of crazy and Jules is begging for help to end the pain once and for all.
While searching for the strength to make her life her own, Livvie must decide how far she’s willing to go for the people she loves.
Per your submission requirements, you will find the first XXXX pages below. I would be delighted to send you further sample chapters at your request. Thank you for your time and consideration. I look forward to hearing from you soon.
Regards,
K
Yes, but I think you could drop your 3rd plot paragraph. I loved the first 2 paragraphs. You hooked me. No need to explain the whole plot in the query. Good job!
ReplyDeleteYes! Sounds right up my alley.
ReplyDeleteNo. There is too much going on.
ReplyDeleteNo. Synesthesia is neither a disease nor a hindrance. You haven't done enough research for me to think the story will be believable, if it's based on this set-up.
ReplyDeleteYes. It could use some cleaning up, but I would take a look.
ReplyDeleteNo. The plot feels a bit too crammed with "issues." I'm unclear whether this is supposed to be a cancer story, a LGBT romance, a fish-out-of-water, or a bullying story. Try sharpening the focus of what exactly you are trying to sell.
ReplyDeleteYes. I like the idea of seeing Livvie learn to stand on her own amidst all this turmoil, and would want to read more.
ReplyDeleteYes, but I'd narrow focus as I too felt it was crammed with too many issues (conflicts). Stick with one or two in your query. The rest will unfold in the manuscript.
ReplyDeleteYes. I agree with earlier post that you could tighten query and it would flow better, but I like the plot.
ReplyDeleteI'd read the first page or so, but they would have to be really spectacular to keep me going. Like others said, there's too much going on in the query. What is the real crux of this story? I think you should try to get to it more quickly.
ReplyDeleteYes. Though I felt it suffered from being a little long and too plot heavy. However, I like the subject matter.
ReplyDeleteI'd look at the included pages as I'm on the fence about the query. It does feel a little crammed with issues, but if the pages make me buy into it, I'm sold.
ReplyDeleteYes - Voice trumps all for me. But I understand what others are saying about focus.
ReplyDeleteNo.
ReplyDeleteThis story needs a stronger focus. If it's a coming out story, it takes too long to get to this point, making the other details seem irrelevant (when they probably aren't).
No. Too many details. I stopped reading..For some reason I couldn't focus.
ReplyDeleteOn the fence, close but no
ReplyDeleteYes, I'd read more because I think I'd like this character but I agree that the query is a little long and could be tightened. I find Synesthesia fascinating so I'll admit you had me on that one. Overall, I find Livvie to come across as a very real character and I'd be reading to see if that holds up. She has a lot going on but I tend to like that, as long as all the threads are maintained and the main plot is discernible.
ReplyDeleteYes. It sounds very relevant to what's happening in society today. Send the first 50.
ReplyDeleteStarted as a yes, but then turned to a no when the issues stated building up. I'm not sure what the main conflict is in this story. Like Arielle said it feels like one thing in one paragraph and then something else in the next. Pick you main conflict and focus on that.
ReplyDeleteYes. I like the voice and am intrigued by the synesthesia. There are a lot of issues here, but it didn't scream out "forced" to me.
ReplyDeleteNo. It doesn't feel new to me. Would like to see some twist that makes this story different. Also query has too many plot points.
ReplyDeleteNo. But maybe. In paragraph-4, I would end at "...ridicule from her classmates." After that, it seems to ramble on. Tighten it up.
ReplyDeleteRegarding your title, is this based on Livvie's friends' boyfriends? Not sure how your title fits in with the query description.
Yes.
ReplyDeleteThe girl clearly has problems. You might could focus down on just the sister and the dance issue, though, and leave the mom out of it.
Yes, but I would streamline this query a bit.
ReplyDeleteYes, I like the overall idea of this a lot, but as another person suggested, paring down will help, and the synesthesia feels kind of thrown in; given the book seems to be about other factors, thinking it might be better to leave this out. I would also suggest in a few places looking for some stronger verbs to replace "get" and "got."
ReplyDeleteYes, but I would tighten the query up a bit. I'm not quite sure what the main focus of the story is--is it a coming out story? If so, maybe focus on that?
ReplyDeleteI think I would like the character of Livvie. She seems like a person I could root for. :)
Tentative yes. It feels like too many Issues all crammed in it just for the sake of having an Issue Novel, but the promising relationship between Livvie and Bianca makes me want to check it out despite everything else. I'd read pages to see if the voice and character can sustain the plot.
ReplyDeleteYes, but I kept feeling like the cancer subplot should be bigger than it is. I'm worried Livvie will come across as selfish for thinking her own problems are bigger than her sister's.
ReplyDeleteThe beginning sounds really fun! But then...not sure. But I would request 3 chapters.
ReplyDeleteNo - but you could turn it into a yes by making it more consise / focused. Think about the most important conflict/ plot point (family or Bianca) and focus on that.
ReplyDeleteNo. Synesthesia and gay romance (plus cancer) (and bullying) feels gimmicky. Probably in the story, they're layered in much more subtly, but in the query, it looks like a checklist of Hot Button Topics. A little focus would help.
ReplyDelete