TITLE: The Big Ugly
GENRE: Mystery
It was a hot bright Tuesday late in June, the seventh straight day of high temperatures in the city, and I was late picking up my tour. The singeing heat that normally hung back in the high desert until July or August had moved in early, burning off the morning fogs and insinuating itself into the fabric of daily life. The early arriving heat made LA itchy and abrasive, its citizens ill-tempered.
My boys, John, 11, and Nick, 9, warmed to a low simmer by the stuffy morning heat of our small house, had bickered and complained through breakfast about having to spend another hot day at the Rec Center where they would be expected to run feral, entertaining themselves outside.
I wasn’t going to give in, but John brought up their dead mom.
Three years later, even when it’s a cynical ploy to get what they want, I can’t trump dead mom. They used to pull it out only in emergencies, but recently they’ve taken to slapping it down over deuces and threes. I don’t have the energy to fight it. Someday I’ll have to stand strong, but not today. Today was just too damn hot. Today they’re at their grandmother’s.
The detour had me running late. The repeated and reliable failure to stand my ground had me feeling like a shitty parent. The fact that they’d again ended up at my mother-in-law’s house had me thinking about how much I depended on her, worried about rubbing her love thin from overuse.
Most agents/editors are pretty nitpicky about opening with the weather. You may want to consider starting somewhere else or nixing it all together. In these opening passages we're being told everything, there's not a lot grabbing us, pulling us into the story. You should start as close to the action as possible, hook the reader, then give them backstory. I really liked the "I can't trump dead mom." Maybe rework it to start there. Make the reader wonder what happened earlier on. Good luck!
ReplyDeleteI really loved the card-playing analogy.
ReplyDeleteThe first paragraphs, though, made me glaze over a bit (maybe from the heat? :)) There was just too much of the same idea, where any one of the analogies would have made the point.
I agree about "I can't trump dead mom" being a great line. So good, that I would suggest starting the book with it.
ReplyDeleteThe heat seems overdone.
I'm a bit confused. Back from a tour? What tour? Did the kids spend the day at the Rec center or their grandmother's?
Also, the introduction of the day of the week and the ages of the kids seemed unnatural.
Still, the beginning captures the atmosphere and the mood. And the dead mom line would leave me wanting to read more.
This entry confuses me. It sounds like all background. I don't know if the speaker is female or male. I have no idea what the tour is or whether being late for it matters. I can't tell what the story is going to be about, the heat, the whiny boys, the rubbed-thin relationship with grandma, the late starting tour?
ReplyDeleteI can't tell what the main thread of the mystery is going to be.
Also consider reducing the amount of description in the first paragraph talking about the heat. Finding out about the character would be more interesting. For instance, it would be more interesting if the narrator said the heat made him/her more irritable, rather than a general statement about the citizens.
I like that the heat made LA itchy, but agree that things can be shifted around for maximum impact.
ReplyDeleteYour best line (IMHO) is "I can't trump dead mom." It suggests so much about the family dynamics, but I am left wondering if this is a step-mother or the father of "My boys"
I think you do a good job of stating things in surprising ways....the deuces and threes, worried about rubbing her love thin, etc. It flavors it with noir.
The second paragraph is one long, awkward run-on sentence with about as many asides as you can fit in. Needs to be broken up if kept.
ReplyDeleteI agree that the "I can't trump dead mom." is a great line.
Something about the way the sentences are written gives me the feeling of the twenties, but I'm not sure why.
I'm in sympathy with this MC. The first paragraph was a skimmer, but the second made the situation real, and the third hooked me.
ReplyDelete"Run feral" is a great description of summer day camp.
Consider losing the first paragraph. I like the story and the title.
I'm in sympathy with this MC. The first paragraph was a skimmer, but the second made the situation real, and the third hooked me.
ReplyDelete"Run feral" is a great description of summer day camp.
Consider losing the first paragraph. I like the story and the title.
RE: Above Comment. I'm not anonymous! I don't know how that happened!
ReplyDeleteIt reads like a 1940's detective story, and if it's set in that time period, this style could work, but to me, it seems too dated for the 21st century. (But that is entirely subjective)
ReplyDeleteIt's also all back story. Nothing is happening. I don't know who the MC is, or what he wants, or what the problem is that drives the plot. There's no hook on the page.
This is a great opening. I like the way that the author uses the weather in relation to the childrens’ mood, and the last line of this excerpt – about rubbing the mother in law’s love thin from overuse- is really evocative.
ReplyDelete