The opening paragraph feels a little disconnected. I know you're using it as a reason why she is where she is at that particular time, but it feels more thrown together than flowing. Maybe changing the order of the first and second paragraphs would help - explain where she is and then why she's there. Other than that, this seems like a good beginning and I'd probably read more.
I'm intrigued, but the writing could be tighter. There are a lot of "was" sentences that could be reworded. Also take heed of "I watched" "She hadn't heard" and "I wanted" type sentences which are all passive. These can all be reworked to make the opening stronger and tighter. So far you're telling us the story, not grabbing us and pulling us in for the ride. You've got something here, just needs tweaking! Keep at it!
I'm a little unsure about "tattoo smeared" and "fear billowed." I'll be interested in knowing what everyone else thinks about those. On the other hand, I love "smooth and sweet as milk chocolate." Great job!
I like the authenticity of the way this girl thinks.
You have some good suspense, but I don't care, yet. I know this is subjective. Many people would be right there with your character, urging her to run, but I'm just not there.
Aside from that, I didn't like that she fell to the ground over a tree root because it seems like a cheap and cliche way for her to be either overcome by the pursuer or for us to be urging her off the ground to keep running. It's clear in this passage that you have writing skills, so use that in the pursuit and in her attempts to get away.
Some excellent writing. But I think anyone would run earlier than our main character. Once I heard breathing, I'd make tracks! Also, telling us she was afraid and every instinct told her to run is too obvious and breaks up the momentum here. We have quick-moving action, so the prose should be quick and spare as well.
Wow -- really compelling! I love your opening, but think it would be more resonant to end on "sweet as milk chocolate," and do away with the "pulse" description (an added layer that is not needed, and is not as powerful).
I agree with others about your mc tripping on a root. It created a sudden B movie like quality, which doesn't match up with your excellent writing.
I feel a little disconnect between the first paragraph and those that follow. Partly because the revelation that she's spent 30 minutes watching Clay didn't feel right. I was wondering what she was watching him do (and where).
So, for me the transition between the first bit and the rest was kind of a hiccup. But the writing itself has a smooth voice that I like. (Aside from "tattoo smeared". Smeared tattoos are not lovely.)
The first paragraph could use some work, kind of make it flow more, it just doesn't exactly fit with what follows, maybe do more showing less telling. It's good, I would definitely read more, just needs some tweaking:) I like how her character voice is strong and you can definitely see she has strong southern influences.
The opening paragraph feels a little disconnected. I know you're using it as a reason why she is where she is at that particular time, but it feels more thrown together than flowing. Maybe changing the order of the first and second paragraphs would help - explain where she is and then why she's there. Other than that, this seems like a good beginning and I'd probably read more.
ReplyDeleteI'm intrigued, but the writing could be tighter. There are a lot of "was" sentences that could be reworded. Also take heed of "I watched" "She hadn't heard" and "I wanted" type sentences which are all passive. These can all be reworked to make the opening stronger and tighter. So far you're telling us the story, not grabbing us and pulling us in for the ride. You've got something here, just needs tweaking! Keep at it!
ReplyDeleteA lot of suspense right away, so that's great.
ReplyDeleteI'm a little unsure about "tattoo smeared" and "fear billowed." I'll be interested in knowing what everyone else thinks about those. On the other hand, I love "smooth and sweet as milk chocolate." Great job!
I like the authenticity of the way this girl thinks.
ReplyDeleteYou have some good suspense, but I don't care, yet. I know this is subjective. Many people would be right there with your character, urging her to run, but I'm just not there.
Aside from that, I didn't like that she fell to the ground over a tree root because it seems like a cheap and cliche way for her to be either overcome by the pursuer or for us to be urging her off the ground to keep running. It's clear in this passage that you have writing skills, so use that in the pursuit and in her attempts to get away.
Some excellent writing. But I think anyone would run earlier than our main character. Once I heard breathing, I'd make tracks! Also, telling us she was afraid and every instinct told her to run is too obvious and breaks up the momentum here. We have quick-moving action, so the prose should be quick and spare as well.
ReplyDeleteAnd can't we have a heroine who doesn't trip?
Wow -- really compelling! I love your opening, but think it would be more resonant to end on "sweet as milk chocolate," and do away with the "pulse" description (an added layer that is not needed, and is not as powerful).
ReplyDeleteI agree with others about your mc tripping on a root. It created a sudden B movie like quality, which doesn't match up with your excellent writing.
Best wishes with this!
I feel a little disconnect between the first paragraph and those that follow. Partly because the revelation that she's spent 30 minutes watching Clay didn't feel right. I was wondering what she was watching him do (and where).
ReplyDeleteSo, for me the transition between the first bit and the rest was kind of a hiccup. But the writing itself has a smooth voice that I like. (Aside from "tattoo smeared". Smeared tattoos are not lovely.)
I'd read on (at least for a couple more pages).
The first paragraph could use some work, kind of make it flow more, it just doesn't exactly fit with what follows, maybe do more showing less telling. It's good, I would definitely read more, just needs some tweaking:) I like how her character voice is strong and you can definitely see she has strong southern influences.
ReplyDelete