TITLE: The Hunter
GENRE: Paranormal Romance
I eyed the jars that ran along one of the tent’s lopsided shelves, wondering if there was something dead, or deadly, pickling in each of them. My stomach clenched at the thought, imagining that I could see an eyeball pressed against the cloudy glass of one of them. Get a grip, you wuss. I blew out a long breath and ran my fingers through my hair. This was definitely one of the more elaborately decorated psychic spaces I’d encountered. So what if the place was creepy?
“I’m going to kill Rachel,” I muttered as I pulled my jacket tight around my waist. I was the worst person to be sitting in a psychic’s tent. Thanks to my crazy drunk of a mother, I was certifiably superstitious and a self-admitting gullible dope when it came to the all-knowing, fortune telling scams.
It seemed like a good idea at the time. At least that’s what I kept telling myself as I scanned the ghoulish interior of the tent and stifled yet another shiver. Sure, ten bucks for a psychic reading, greeeaaat idea! I adjusted myself in the uncomfortable wooden chair, my uneasiness growing as the smell of some very pungent, exotic herb assaulted my nose.
And yet, even knowing this, I didn’t dare get up and leave. No, I couldn’t walk away, not when there was a chance that this psychic would get it right, tell me what I needed to do to fix my life.
Oh, how far we'd travel to get the answers we need! I get the desperation.Good job at creeping me out with the environment. I'd like to continue reading more.
ReplyDeleteThe strong MC's voice pulled me into the story right from the first sentence, holding and keeping my attention. All the details paint a creepy, vivid picture of this foreign, uncomfortable world. The stakes are mentioned, raising the level of conflict which continues to escalate through this opening passage. The writing is clear and concise. I can feel the MC's inner struggles, the fight brewing between her and her friend, the burning need to find out what it will take to "fix" her life, and the mystery behind what's gone wrong.
ReplyDeleteI loved this entry. It has just enough creep factor to keep me interested. I would read on!
ReplyDeleteThe only thing I would suggest is the first two sentences end with 'of them'. It caught my eye.
I like this one too. Even though there's not that much going on, or any details yet on what the main character thinks needs to be fixed in her life, it's enough to hook me. The character expresses emotion, and there's plenty of internal conflict - hard to do in such a short space.
ReplyDeleteI'd probably reverse the 1st and 2nd paragraphs, but this entry drew me in, wondering what was so wrong with the MCs life that she'd do something she obviously hated. I'd definitely read on.
ReplyDeleteInteresting, I like that you chose a scene where there isn't much in the way of action but rather layers within the story. I'm curious to know what else is outside the tiny window we're given in 250 words.
ReplyDeleteGreat voice and the last sentence hooked me hard. I want to *know*.
ReplyDeleteThere's a few filter phrases that could be removed to tighten and make the sentences more active, the already strong descriptions even stronger.
Still, I would definitely read on.
Why can't the MC see what's in the jars from where they're sitting? Are they mostly opaque? Is the glass cloudy? Also, the running the fingers through the hair at pretty much nothing seems a bit forced.
ReplyDeleteI'm not sure about this overall. I don't get much of a feel for the story or where it's going to go. Wish I could be more help.
Personally, I think your first line is this: "I was the worst person to be sitting in a psychic’s tent."
ReplyDeleteI have a preference for punchy first lines, and the current starting point reads like a follow up to a different statement; "one of the tent" refers to a setting we aren't aware of yet, and a character we don't know is observing details that are important, but again, no context. That other line does the work for you by placing the character in the tent and telling us she really shouldn't even be there. Perfect.
I don't think you need the italics since this is first person and we are in a close POV. I would also suggest maybe taking out the blew out a breath line; it doesn't add anything this early on, IMO, and might be better used in place of a dialogue tag whenever she ends up talking. I like the voice and set up here and would definitely read on. Actually, pretty bummed there isn't more, I want to know what happens!
I thought this was very unclear. You start by showing us how creeped out she is, but then say "So what if the place was creepy?" as if it doesn't matter, as if she isn't fazed by it.
ReplyDeleteIn parg 2, she's going to kill Rachel for putting her in this situation, and then goes on to say it seemed like a good idea, implying she made a conscious decision to go.
She also shivers again at the creepiness, anditseems yo do want her to be creeped out by the place, so I would suggest you cut the 'so what' sentence.
Last parg - ANd yet, even knowing this... Even knowing what? Grammatcally, it refers to the scent of incense, but I don't think that's what you're referring, too. If you cut the 'even knowing this, it will work.
So overall, I'd suggest you rewrite for better clarity.
I enjoyed it and would definetly read on. I think you can get rid of the line - So what if it was creepy.
ReplyDeleteYou might transpose the second and third paragraphs. The forth paragraph would follow the second better
ReplyDeleteI think there is a good voice in these opening paragraphs – I would recommend cutting (or moving) the first paragraph and the opening line of “I’m going to kill Rachel,” so that the paragraph begins with her ill-suitedness to be sitting in a psychic’s tent, and her self-description as a “gullible dope.”