TITLE: Rebecca Kagan
GENRE: Speculative fiction
This would have to be a baffle-everyone-with-attitude kind of day. After a deep breath I forced the memories of my dead dad and missing sister from my mind. I needed this contract, and it was up to me to represent the construction business I’d inherited from him. I didn't want to lay off any more employees, and my estimators had worked long hours to calculate our bid as close as possible.
Opening my truck door, I got out and glanced behind the seat at my survival backpack. Today, it felt silly to carry it with me everywhere I went. I almost shut the door then remembered the sealed bid envelope. I grabbed it from the console, and fumbled with my two fingered right hand, dropping it into the slush. Swearing under my breath, I wiped the envelope dry on the lower pant leg of my jeans. The ink smeared, but it would have to do. I strode into the City of Denver municipal building with purposeful long strides, my shoulders back and my head held high.
My watch showed 2:20 as I entered the room. I glanced around while my tendril-like senses checked out everyone’s emotional disposition. The ability to read people’s energy came in handy when people hid their feelings behind a façade.
Interesting but I'm not getting a 'speculative fiction' feel in this - maybe because it's so short. The writing's good, though, so I'd read more to see where it goes.
ReplyDeleteThe first sentence confused me because I read "baffle-everyone-with-attitude" as 'baffle everyone who has an attitude' not 'baffle everyone with my attitude. Not that the phrasing couldn't work, but not knowing this character, what's going on, or her voice, I just felt lost.
ReplyDeleteFollowing that with the dead dad and missing sister didn't feel dramatic, it felt like infodump. Save that bit until we're grounded in what's going on and who our character is. Then we'll care about her losses.
I also think you waste a lot of time saying the obvious. Almost forgot the envelope then remembered... when you're trying to build interest with only a very brief space of time to do it in, that's a lot of wasted words that didn't interest me a bit.
The survival backpack is probably an important detail but save it for later. Right now you just dump the info and then don't use it. Show us the survival backpack later when she uses it, or when she needs it and doesn't have it.
Things like this: "purposeful long strides, my shoulders back and my head held high" are overkill. Pick one visual and stick with it.
The last paragraph suffers from the same weaknesses and feels infodumpy to boot. Would she really be describing to herself her senses being tendril-like? It feels forced. Show it instead. This: "The ability to read people’s energy came in handy when people hid their feelings behind a façade" produces a 'no duh' reaction for me. It's a clumsy way to tell us she can read people and tells us something everyone already knows. Combine it with the above and show these things.
This needs a lot of tightening up, trimming, converting telling to showing, and attention to WHEN and HOW to present your unique world without rushing to get it all out in the first 500 words.
I don't really have a sense of what this story is about or what is important in this world. Hook me with an intriguing detail that evokes a sense of time/place/speculative fic angle and I'll want to hang in to learn all the rest.
Good luck!
This feels overall weak to me, and I think it has a lot to do with the mention of the dead dad and missing sister at the beginning, which seems huge, but isn't the subject of the opening. It feels crammed in and out of place, overshadowing the subject of the opening because it makes what the character is doing right now seem unimportant, and therefore not engaging to me as a reader.
ReplyDeleteI've seen stories take that sort of information and bring it in later, to avoid this. You don't necessarily have to include it right at the opening paragraph.
I don't think you want to casually drop the info about the dad and the sister. It doesn't feel right to me. We want to make an emotional connection with your character right off. I'd almost hold off on mentioning what's wrong and just hint that something's on her mind. Give specifics later. She's stressed. Put us in her shoes. Right now it feels info dumpy and a bit emotionally distant.
ReplyDeleteHope that helps!
Really like the feel of this and how it moves quickly. I'm totally with it up until the "tendril-like senses." Seems like there could be a cleaner way of saying this, but I'm definitely intrigued.
ReplyDeleteAlso, I love the forgetting the envelope, then immediately fumbling it. I so would do that.
I have to agree with most of previous comments.
ReplyDeleteI didn't really get the sense of the MC. The voice seems a bit bland. I didn't get the sense of anxiety, I'd rather you show more than tell as it has been pointed out.
Also, I think you need a stronger opening line. It might seem like it is, but the rest of the paragraph doesn't follow up on it.
Take out the info dump bits, give us the anxiety and determination, tighten it and you're good to go :)
I like the tendrils though ;) but use it in a show way, not tell.
I think this might be starting in the wrong place, maybe just a little too early. I agree that the emotional hook of family loss is glossed over so quickly at the start, an opportunity is lost. That whole chunk might be better placed after the scene has been set and readers are shown why today is a tough one for her.
ReplyDeleteThe middle section's pace feels slow because of all the physical movement; I would suggest reducing her body movement descriptions, keep what is essential and cut down to keep the scene moving; that entire paragraph she gets out of her truck. A little more of a glimpse of why she's at the municipal building and why she's putting on her brave face will engage more. The ability to read people is intriguing; this could be a good spot to show it, to see how the character views a person sitting on a bench or whatever and how she instantly knows [x] from one quick glance. A fun concept to play with, and could really add to a first page.
I'm curious about the story itself, I just didn't get much from this excerpt, which is why I think it may have started too soon with describing her getting out of the truck.
You have a two-fingered woman with the ability to read people, who has a dead father and a missing sister. As a reader, I want to know how her father died and why her sister is missing. I'm guessing foul play of some sort. I want to know why she only has two fingers.
ReplyDeleteBut you don't take any of those things anywhere. They, or even one of them, could make an interesting opening, but instead, you've opted to start with a contracting bid.
Perhaps this isn't the place to start. ANd is it possible to start with one of the more interesting aspects of the story?
Why does it have to be a baffle-everyone-with-attitude kind of day? This is a great opening line but the paragraph that follows it is less compelling. What is in the survival backpack that she feels silly about carrying around? I think this has the seeds for a very interesting character, and with revision to give a stronger voice to these moments could be much more compelling.
ReplyDeleteWhy does it have to be a baffle-everyone-with-attitude kind of day? This is a great opening line but the paragraph that follows it is less compelling. What is in the survival backpack that she feels silly about carrying around? I think this has the seeds for a very interesting character, and with revision to give a stronger voice to these moments could be much more compelling.
ReplyDeleteThis is double posted- my apologies! -SA