TITLE: The Astrum Wars
GENRE: YA Science Fiction
Eli Kim had one cardinal rule as a human on Perspia: Keep a low profile.
He kept his head down as he approached the commercial district.
It was early, a time some still called “the break of dawn” even though one of Perspia’s two suns always blazed overhead. Eli hadn’t seen a true dawn in his seventeen years, and he didn’t see the point of holding onto such concepts.
As far as Eli was concerned, those notions died with Earth.
Plus, he never really understood old Earth colloquialisms. What did dawns break? It seemed almost violent.
Eli trudged up a steep incline towards the checkpoint outside the market. Sand sifted under his feet, but he balanced lightly. Desert covered the planet, a landscape where only the hardiest survived. Eli still fell under that category, even if his parents hadn’t been so lucky.
Don’t go there, he told himself, closing his eyes against the painful thought and taking a deep, steadying breath. He was good at these personal pep talks. They kept him moving forward.
Eli entered the moving walkway that held the humans-only line. He glanced at the other entrance where every other alien in the Astrum Federation queued up. They were not provided with a mechanized path, and some of them huffed out tired breaths as they trudged uphill.
The walkway was not meant as a luxury, it was barred on either side with chest-high barriers to keep the humans single-file once they entered. If anyone became irritable, they could be easily isolated.
Wow, I really like this.
ReplyDeleteI like how in the first sentence, I can tell a lot about both the character and the world. Perspia is a world where humans are not the dominant species, and Eli knows he has to “keep a low profile” in order to survive. (Also, I like the added detail of his last name, suggesting he’s an Asian protagonist).
Additionally, I love the way “the break of dawn” is broken down in the text. I like how the literal interpretation of the old Earth colloquialism shows Eli’s disconnect with Earth, as well as his cynical character. Also, it was just a really beautiful sentiment.
Anyway, I’m hooked. Give me more!!!
I SO enjoyed this. The scene painted, the brief stint into his past and line of thought, excellent. The only suggestions I have are craft things, and they're not major.
ReplyDeleteEli's name pops up enough that it borders on becoming repetitive. That's a personal pet peeve of mine so I tend to notice it sooner/more than others. (You’ll see here in a second) With him being the only person singled out in the narrative so far, you can say he and we’ll know who you’re talking about.
In the second to last paragraph, the sentence that starts “He glanced at…” I would change that first other to opposite or something along those lines, since another other pops up later and that other is more necessary than the first. (Like I said, personal pet peeve). So it’d be “He glanced at the opposite/additional entrance where every other alien…”
Last nitpicky thing, cause that’s what they are at this point, first line of the last paragraph. “The walkway was not meant as a luxury, barred on either...” don’t need the ‘it was’.
Like I said, enjoyed it. Good luck!
I like a bunch of things here:
ReplyDeleteI like the worldbuilding -- I'm intrigued about why humans seem different, especially. Great job teasing us with that one.
I like the clarity of your prose -- it reads very cleanly and professionally.
I like the character touches that are already coming through, from the first line on.
My main suggestions:
I think you hold on to the breaking dawn thing for a little too long -- you could probably stop after "those notions died with Earth."
You almost seem to shift in and out of Eli's head... sometimes we're in there with him, sharing his thoughts/perceptions/feelings, and other times we get what seem like external observations (like him being good at pep talks or falling under the "hardiest" category). Might want to watch for that.
Also, this is a nitpick, but it should be a semicolon instead of a comma after "luxury" in the last paragraph.
I'm definitely intrigued and would read on! Great job, and good luck!
I like this very much. The only small thing I noticed was the line: They were not provided with a mechanized path. Since you said the mc was walking on sand and the others were walking uphill, this sounded out of place. no one you mentioned had a mechanized path so it seemed odd to say this group didn't either.
ReplyDeleteotherwise, I like the imagery. I got a sense of the character immediately, where his mind is, and some tension from his past. Very well done.
Great entry, interesting world, interesting character.
ReplyDeleteJust a couple of comments:
I'm not sure what "balanced lightly" means. Balanced, yes, but is there another word other than "lightly" that could convey what you're trying to say?
The line "taking a deep, steadying breath" caught me -- partly because I don't think you need it, partly because he's already going up a steep incline and is probably breathing hard as it is...
You use the word "moving" in two consecutive sentences -- might want to check that.
Love the images of the aliens and the mechanized walkway, as well as of the planet itself. Also like his humor in the beginning about Earth.
Love the entry -- hope you go far!! Best of luck!
Fabulous first line. Love how you peppered in the world building. I think the way you set the MC up as someone who held onto, but at the same time questioned, earth notions (ie what does the dawn break?) is brilliant and you'll be able to thread that sort of thing through your entire novel.
ReplyDeleteKind of got lost on the conveyor belt thing. As a human, the MC needs to keep a low profile. The other aliens have to walk-trudge so they don't get the same luxury. But the conveyor is to keep humans single file so they don't get angry... What?
Since the human is actually the alien, since he's not on earth, are what he refers to as aliens actually aliens from other worlds or indigenous to the planet? Bc if he's lived there his entire life, would he refer to them as aliens?
Regardless of my questions, I'm hooked and would continue reading! Great job.
I became very interested in this at the end, when we learn that humans and aliens have separate entrances – I’m curious to know more about this world. The opening lines set me up for the feeling that he’s in some danger, and must be unnoticeable, but once this is introduced it doesn’t come up again, so that feels unrealized. I don’t think you need the rumination on dawn breaking, as it’s distracting here.
ReplyDeleteI became very interested in this at the end, when we learn that humans and aliens have separate entrances – I’m curious to know more about this world. The opening lines set me up for the feeling that he’s in some danger, and must be unnoticeable, but once this is introduced it doesn’t come up again, so that feels unrealized. I don’t think you need the rumination on dawn breaking, as it’s distracting here.
ReplyDelete