TITLE: Modified
GENRE: YA SF
Tuesday, fourteen-hundred hours. I should be home studying remedial biotech. Instead I’m slapping at fire ants and adding a new layer of sunburn to my peeling skin. Watch duty. Honestly though, the only thing I’m watching seven hours into my shift is the back of my eyelids.
My left hand is on my rifle, my right is on the two-way radio, but my mind is trying to stay on the topic of mitochondria. I think I have a fifty-fifty of spelling it right, but otherwise all I remember about the critters is that they’re crazy small and apt to mutate. But I don’t dare study out here, in the open. The Family already suspects I’m losing faith. Today especially, on the eve of my sixteenth, I can’t afford to give them evidence.
I crack my eyelids to make sure I’m alone. All I see is a whole lot of familiar-looking nothing. A hundred meters down the knoll is our private patch of West Kentucky, all bleached bones and cracked earth. The compound sits two full kilometers away, so obscured by heat lines that there’s no way for Dad to see my disobedience. Still. He has ways of knowing the unknowable.
The Family still calls this place a ranch, but we haven’t grazed cattle since I was in diapers. As I understand it, Dad shot all the horses too. His is the gospel of loaded guns and hidden knives, of looking behind you, and especially above, because you never know. . . .
I like this opening. I would have preferred to have a bit more of where he is earlier. I pictured lifeguard on the beach, until the guns. Then I was just ungrounded, waiting to find out where he was.
ReplyDeleteotherwise, solid writing. Very nice.
I don't think mitochondria should be referred to as critters? They're organelles, parts of a cell ( to my understanding but it has been YEARS since I've taken a biology class).
ReplyDeleteI like the juxtaposition of the twangy Kentuckian voice with the hints of biotechy sci-fi.
This opening makes me ask: Why doesn't the Family want him studying esp if he's studying for something as harmless as a spelling test?
What is he guarding (or supposed to be guarding but he's not very concerned about?)
Is the time your actual first line or just the heading? Bc as a first line it's eh (no offense) but those next two are pretty intriguing.
Nice job!
I liked this intro. You set the scene really well. I have tons of questions that make me want to keep reading. What happens on the MC's birthday tomorrow, how much control does the family/ranch have on them? Why is studying disobeying?
ReplyDeleteWould have loved to have known the MC's gender. Just a personal preference of mine--helps me visualize easier and start connecting faster.
Loved the idea of a YA with a cult-like angle. The "he has ways of knowing the unknowable" is great--sets the stakes up high. Dad's obviously not a good guy and the potential for conflict is sky high already.
The writing is nice and smooth, and I'm getting a nice and interesting picture of the setting.
ReplyDeleteHowever, I'm still not at all sure what's going on and don't have a good feel for the character. Also, looking back over the excerpt it seems to say both:
' I should be home studying remedial biotech.'
and
'But I don’t dare study out here, in the open.'
Especially as it's sounding like his father is head of the Family, and wouldn't studying at home then be even closer to his father??
Sorry, I meant to say that it seemed contradictory to say both those things.
ReplyDeleteLOVE IT! Terrific, tight, polished writing for sure. I love how immersed I am into the scene from the get go. Fantastic voice, too.
ReplyDeleteI love the juxtaposition between the mundane (biotech) and the extraordinary (watch duty for a young adult).
Very good writing. I don't know if the MC is male or female, but I don't care. My faith that I'm going somewhere good is enough. I'm sure it is revealed within the next few paragraphs.
I haven't read an opening that included mitochondria ever that wasn't a text book, but I really liked how you combined the two different parts of your MC: 1)guard and 2)student, using it. I thought it was unique and that beyond anything kept me reading.
ReplyDeleteI also liked that you named where you are right off. I know Western Kentucky and your description doesn't fit what I know. This along with the lack of cattle and horses makes me think we are in a different year or different world, building my intrigue.
I really like the pacing of this. It's fast and it sets the scene quickly. The reader knows straight away that they are in an unfamiliar setting and that danger is present.
ReplyDeleteI thought your character voice was very strong. I thought the fact that biotech was remedial was interesting because it implied that your character was finding biotech studies difficult so perhaps they weren't doing them by choice.
You also show us that your character is disobedient which means they aren't playing by the rules and this makes them intriguing and you know they are headed for trouble.
I enjoyed this piece.
I really like the pacing of this. It's fast and it sets the scene quickly. The reader knows straight away that they are in an unfamiliar setting and that danger is present.
ReplyDeleteI thought your character voice was very strong. I thought the fact that biotech was remedial was interesting because it implied that your character was finding biotech studies difficult so perhaps they weren't doing them by choice.
You also show us that your character is disobedient which means they aren't playing by the rules and this makes them intriguing and you know they are headed for trouble.
I enjoyed this piece.
I like this, and would keep reading, though I think you can trim a bit in places. For instance, the last sentence of the first paragraph says this character is asleep. The next says he’s (she’s?), studying. I think you can just delete the sleeping line. In the next paragraph, perhaps you don’t need everything about the mitochondria. I became most interested at this line, “The Family already suspects I’m losing faith.” See if you can get there sooner.
ReplyDelete