TITLE: SHATTERED
GENRE: YA dark contemporary
I can do this.
I can.
Ponytailed girls dressed in blue and white cheerleader uniforms, ringed in light like the angels in those old paintings you see in museums whisper to one another as I pass by. My cheeks flame and I cast my gaze down.
Don't think. Walk. One foot in front of the other.
The crowd opens as I approach, absorbing me into their center then spitting me out on the other side like they’ve tasted the ashes of my remorse and found me too bitter. A group of what I can only assume to be freshman boys, pokes one another in the ribs and drags their black-soled shoes along the shiny floor making scuff marks on the newly waxed surfaces. I maneuver around them. One sticks out a foot and I trip, my bag flies off, skittering along the dirty tiles and coming to rest up against an olive green painted locker dented from years of abuse by the hard kicks of bad grades or lost football games.
The sensation of flying comes to an abrupt end as I land spread-eagle, the breath knocked out of me as I belly slide until the top of my head grazes the three-vent holes at the bottom of the locker.
My stomach---full of spoon-stirring fiends who threaten to expel the Cheerios I had for breakfast---churns. Laughter bounces off my back as I scramble to retrieve my dignity and my bag before I’m trampled by the swarm.
I like this opening, including the offset italics lines. Very nice.
ReplyDeleteThe only problem I saw was that I felt as if this mc was walking somewhat slowly down the hall (trying to be invisible) but when the kid tripped the mc, they went flying across the floor into the locker. That seems unlikely unless the mc was running.
Love the angst and the terror here, as well as the feeling every teen has at some point, like everyone is watching.
ReplyDeleteMy overall comment would be to try to break up your sentences. Reading through was a bit difficult, because each sentence seemed to keep adding on clauses. If you could make them shorter,and take out some of the extra words, I think it would read a lot more smoothly.
Example:
One sticks out a foot and I trip. My bag flies off, skittering along the dirty tiles and coming to rest against an olive green locker dented from years of abuse.
The cleaner and easier to read, the better. The reader can fill in a lot of the details, like why the locker is dented. We've all been there. :)
I hope that's helpful. Interesting scene!
Good luck to you!
I might re-work this sentence to read: As I pass by, ponytailed girls dressed..., ringed in light like...whisper to one another.
ReplyDeleteIt's a somewhat awkward sentence. Do the cheerleaders whisper or do the angels in painting whisper? Do I pass the cheerleaders or am I passing paintings...
Consider this change: and coming to rest up again an olive green locker, dented from years of abuse by the hard kicks of bad grades or lost football games.
You have same great turns pf phrase like the end of the sentence above. Very descriptive. Sets the mood well.
Some of your sentences do verge on run-on, though.
How can you land spread eagle as you belly slide? "As I" twice in one sentence is a bad sign.
Sometimes I try to physically act out actions that I write out to make sure they are possible. Spread Eagle to me, is like doing the splits, or at least making a V and landing on my butt, not my belly. And if you are walking, you tend to fall forward on your hands, or go sliding onto your belly as you mention, or land on your backside, perhaps with legs folded beneath you...
I'm not sure what "spoon stirring fiends" are. I think my stomach could threaten to expel the Cheerios all on its own, given the fall.
Be aware of over description, though description is definitely a strong suite of yours.
Consider interjecting more to hook us. This isn't a bad start at all and I enjoyed it, I just have no idea what the book is about.
I liked your opening and get a strong sense of your MC but your sentences are too long and would dissuade me from reading more.
ReplyDeleteI am a little confused by this sentence:
Ponytailed girls dressed in blue and white cheerleader uniforms, ringed in light like the angels.....
Perhaps try cutting it and saying:
Ponytailed cheerleaders walk by me, expelling an aura of bright light.....
Good luck!
You've got some wonderful, descriptive sentences here, but honestly, I have no idea what is going on in the story.
ReplyDeleteThe ponytailed cheerleaders indicate high school, but then you lose me when you say they are ringed in light. Aren't they in the school hallway?
Also your first sentence in the last paragraph feels overwritten. Just by taking out a few words it could be so much more powerful...
"My stomach threatens to expel the Cheerios I had for breakfast" tells me all I need to know about how he is feeling.
Good luck with this!
I enjoyed this very much. The opening sentences were great and I liked your imagery, particularly the cheerleaders ringed in halo. You also use lots of great verbs, so the writing is really active and energetic.
ReplyDeleteYou use a lot of compound sentences with the "as I" construction, like: "this happened, as I did that," which is fine, but I think it's a little overused in this passage. There's one sentence that uses it twice:
The sensation of flying comes to an abrupt end as I land spread-eagle, the breath knocked out of me as I belly slide until the top of my head grazes the three-vent holes at the bottom of the locker.
So by the time I get to the last sentence, it's getting distracting.
The only other thing I wondered about was your use of "spoon-stirring fiends." It could've been me, but it took me a couple of reads to get it.
Great job and thanks!
I enjoy the overall tone of the piece. It’s thick with emotion and that can draw a reader in easily when balanced. Craft-wise, I stumbled over the first paragraph because I think you’re missing a comma. It could just be me, but I expected a pause after museums.
ReplyDeleteThere are a lot of similes on this page. The first one is the best at helping paint the scene, in my opinion. One in the paragraph that starts with “the crowd” borders on being a little much. I think the sentence would be stronger if left as “The crowd opens as I approach, absorbing me into their center then spitting me out on the other side.” End it there. Trust the reader to see it happening, to know what’s probably going through those kids’ minds as they make way for her. We’ve all seen that shot in movies, we can make the connection. Maybe make a reference to how they can’t keep their eyes off the MC even though they go out of their way not to touch her physically.
The second sentence of that same paragraph feels like it’s trying to squeeze too much info in. “ A group of freshmen boys,” we don’t need to know she’s assuming their freshmen, it has no bearing on the story overall. “A group of freshmen boys jab (these aren’t pokes) each other’s ribs and scuff the newly waxed floor with their shoes.”
In that paragraph she trips, and I’m wondering why, if she sees the kid stick out his foot, she doesn’t try and jump over it. She doesn’t have to succeed and can still trip and fall, but it reads as strange for her to see it coming and not try to avoid it. Also, end the sentence with her tripping. The short sentence breaks up your flow of long sentences and adds a dynamic of tension.
“A foot catches my ankle. I trip. My bag flies off, skittering along the dirty tiles. It bounces against an olive green (don’t need to know it’s painted) locker, dented from years of abuse.”
You pack a lot into your descriptive sentences, and while they are flowing and lovely, when she trips the writing should reflect the “oh crap!” of falling unexpectedly.
Otherwise, I totally feel her horror and sympthatize with wanting to be incvisible but somehow being the center of (negative) attention.
Good luck!
First of all, I loooove your descriptions. I wish I could capture things like “absorbing me into their center and then spitting me out”, what a perfect way to describe it!
ReplyDeleteThat being said, I think some of the action is getting too dragged down in the descriptions. The sentences felt a bit long and I had to read slowly to make sure I was connecting the right verbs with the right direct objects, etc
But overall, I really like it! I definitely want to know what’s going on with the MC since he/she seems like he/she is hiding something or has some dark past. I like that even in the beginning the reader can tell this is going to be a nice dark read ☺
I agree that there are some beautiful phrases here. As someone who tends to overwrite, however, I think some of them could be pruned in order to highlight the really exceptional ones. The spitting out by the crowd was great; the abuse by the hard kicks of bad grades, etc., could just be shortened to dented from years of abuse. I think readers can intuit the rest. And while I liked the idea of cheerleaders as renaissance angels in paintings, the sentence read a little awkwardly.
ReplyDeleteI also noticed that there's nothing here to say if the MC is boy or girl; I assumed girl, but some of the other commentors assumed it was a boy. Is there a clue you can give us early on?
Sentence length was a problem for me too. I felt like I read the phrase "as I" over and over.
ReplyDeleteBut the action did create story questions, and I always love an underdog.
Obviously not a good morning! Everyone can identify with the feeling of being an outsider, so I am sympathetic with your MC already. But I think this opening is a bit bogged down with description; that description is standing between the reader and the MC. For instance, “Ponytailed girls dressed in blue and white cheerleader uniforms, ringed in light like the angels in those old paintings you see in museums whisper to one another as I pass by.” – this line was confusing and pulled me away from the MC, as I tried to figure out if the cheerleaders are in fact angels, and if they’re in a museum. What about this? “Ponytailed girls dressed in blue and white cheerleader uniforms whisper to one another as I pass by. My cheeks flame and I cast my gaze down.”
ReplyDeleteThis happens with the description of the trip as well – we spend some time picturing her book bag flying through the air and landing, and then find out that she’s doing the same. See how you can cut portions of this, and the reader will connect more quickly with your character.