TITLE: QUICKBANE
GENRE: YA Magical Realism
Ma’s dead. The burning nightmare’s back. Weird creatures stalk Thea at night. And now a guy emerges from her rowan tree. Is he her protector from the Shee that hunted her? Or will Thea end by saving him?
Ma always closed Thea’s bedroom window at night. But on the night Garrett proposed to her, Ma forgot.
Thea was eight then and lay awake on her bed. Her room faced the Wisconsin lake at the bottom of the big yard behind the house. Water lapped against its ragged shore. Night herons cackled. Northern pike coiled through submerged tree roots and rose to the lake’s surface with heavy plops. The cool April wind blew a mineral-y, fishy scent through the second-story window. Occasional soft laughs punctuated the murmur of Ma and Garrett’s conversation downstairs. Thea’s eyelids drooped.
Trees groaned outside as the wind picked up. Half asleep, Thea imagined the wind blew along a companion. Something—or someone?—Other.
She stiffened. Deep inside, she sensed Other descend from a lakeshore tree. Her skin crêped with fear as Other winged across the lawn, up the wall of the house, and into her room. Other settled on the quilt Ma had made, a darker shadow in the darkness of Thea’s room.
It sang a snatch of mocking song. Thea strained to catch the words but couldn’t make them out. The tune stole inside her, made her whimper. Her legs thrashed beneath the quilt. The bed creaked. Her hands flew up to guard against—
Hot fingers touched her neck. The mocking tune, a hint of laughter. Two words—her name. “Thea. Thea.” The smell of rotten eggs. Something crackled. Smoke. Pain.
The meaty odor of burning flesh—Thea’s flesh.
She began to scream.
This is interesting, but I think the perspective you've taken to write it out keeps us--the reader--distant from the action. There's also a bit of telling in places that could greatly benefit from showing. Like, "The meaty odor of burning flesh." Describe the smell, make us disgusted by it. Just an idea :)
ReplyDeleteLoved how the page ends, but it took a long time to get there, in a way that doesn't feel YA. Also, I was distracted by all the people mentioned. Is Ma, Thea's mom? Who is Other? is it a thing or person? Does Thea know it? Who's Garrett? Is he someone the reader has to know from page one?
ReplyDeleteI found it hard to get into this because I couldn't tell if it was real or a dream or what...nothing against the writing because I think it is well done but I don't think I would continue reading.
ReplyDelete