Tuesday, June 22, 2010

25 Words #28

TITLE: Into Faeryland
GENRE: YA Fantasy

The unmistakable scent hit my nostrils as soon as I stepped into my room. I closed my eyes, willing my senses to be deceiving me.

10 comments:

Momwoman said...

OK, I'm into this. Scnets are powerful, and they don't get used enough.
Just change it from "be deceiving" to "that my senses were deceiving" and it will be perfect.

Vincent Kale said...

What IS the unmistakable scent? Your MC might know but we don't. If it's not resolved in the very next sentence then maybe you could introduce it in the first instead.

writerlass said...

Good beginning, though I'd like to know what the scent is... but if I were reading the whole book, I'm sure I wouldn't mind waiting two sentences to find out.

'willing my senses to be deceiving me' reads a little awkward for me; I think something along the lines of 'hoping my senses were deceiving me' would sound better, just because 'were' sounds better there.

pj schnyder said...

Interesting, but I agree that a little hint as to what sort of scent it was would be good.

Is it a sharp scent? noxious? sweet? acrid? floral?

Desirae said...

I agree with the re-wording of the sentence using "were" instead of "to be." I would definitely keep reading to find out what the smell is and how it impacts the protag. Good job!

Good luck!

Maggie L.P. said...

I agree with writerlass - great opening sentence but the second half of the second one seemed clunky to me.

Barbara said...

You might look at word choices. Would the scent 'hit' her nostrils. And nostrils are holes. Can you hit a hole?

Then she wills her 'senses' to be deceiving her. How can her sense of touch, sight, taste, and hearing contribute to her smelling something?

Perhaps rewrite for cleaner images.

Amanda said...

For some reason, I keep thinking it must be some sort of magical smell of faeries, and I'm very hooked..but give me some clues so I can smell it too!

PatEsden said...

I'm curious and like this beginning. But I also would like to know what the scent is, so I can experiences this scene from deep in the main character's point of view. And I agree the last sentence needs a bit of tinkering.

shehap said...

I agree with Momwoman about the power of scents as imagery. However, you undercut this when you don't tell us what it is. I get the sense that it's an unpleasant scent from the next sentence, but that's all I know. "The unmistakable scent" is not as evocative as "The rank stench of blood" or something like that.
Familiar scent though, right? For the MC I mean? So why isn't he/she just saying what it is?