Tuesday, June 22, 2010

25 Words #38

TITLE: Graceful Death
GENRE: Paranormal YA

One night without sleep is fine. Two? Not so bad. Eight? Hell on Earth. Twelve sleepless nights in a row and something comes for me.

12 comments:

Vincent Kale said...

I think the 'question/answer' motif here is dragged out just one too many times. Maybe cut the "Two? Not so bad." part and see how that sounds to you.

Then the "something comes for me." part throws me off a bit. There's a disconnect between insomnia and something attacking/hunting your MC. If the next few sentences clarify this relationship, I'd keep reading.

TKAstle said...

I like the question/answer style you are using and am on the fence about shortening it as Vincent suggested or leaving it as is. It doesn't bother me now, but might read more tightly if it was shorter.

I do agree completely about the 'something comes for me' part. It feels jarring because I don't get it. Maybe the next few words will clear that up and I would be fine, but as it is now it leaves me thinking, "What's that supposed to mean?"

Nice set up, though. Leaves me wondering (in a good way) why this person hasn't slept for so long.

Ant said...

I do like the question/answer thing, but like Vincent, I wonder if it goes on a bit too long. I am intrigued by "something comes for me", but I the sentence feels slightly clunky to me...I can't quite put my finger on why. Perhaps reading on would clear it up for me a little bit. :)

Blodwyn said...

Love the sleepless night motif because I find myself wondering why the narrator is going so long that way! I agree that the last sentence is a bit clunky, not sure I quite followed what you meant by "something comes for me."

Maggie L.P. said...

I love Vincent's comment. I am a real sucker for things in threes, so I agree that you should ditch one of the question/answer phrases. And the "something comes for me"? - I know what you're trying to do here but I think you can do it better with a different phrase. But it's a great way to start, so IMO tighten it and keep it!

Barbara said...

I agree with Vincent about the opening. Cut the 2nd time. There is a Rule of Three because for some reason, three works. Two examples aren't enough and four is too many.

'Something comes for me' is too vague. Since it's happened to him, he knows what he's talking about even if we don't. So he should say what that something is. Even if he can't put a name to it, he can describe it. Either give us a clue as to what that something is, or give us a hint as to why his nights are sleepless. Give us something to latch onto.

PatEsden said...

Not just being lazy, I really do agree with all the other comments.

I would read on, but I would be more hooked if what 'it' was in the last sentence was clearer.

Sharon K. Mayhew said...

I'm curious, for sure...The bit that confused me was the something comes to me bit. I'm sure it will be cleared up in the next sentence, but I'm not sure if something like a phost came to the mc or he or she had a lightbulb momment.

Adam Heine said...

I'm interested (in what's coming for him, but more than that I want to know how he can go so long without sleep), but I agree with the other commenters on making it snappier.

If it were mine (I know it's not, but I don't know how to write like you ;-), I'd do something like this:

Two nights without sleep isn't so bad. Eight is worse. But twelve sleepless nights? That's when things get really scary. (Or something better than "scary", but you get the idea).

lynnrush said...

LOL. I actually love this. Funny how we get differing opinions, huh? **smile**

It's just what I love to read. Love the choppy writing and the Hell on earth after the eight made me laugh.

I want to read more!

shehap said...

Nice start. I agree about the 'rule of three.' I assume you're going to explain what 'comes for me' in the next paragraph or so, and I'd keep reading to find out what it is - and decide if it is a real threat, or a delusion brought on by insomnia.

Bron said...

I agree with the rule of three people, although it's possible if this were part of a longer excerpt we mightn't notice it so much. I'd keep reading though. I'm interested in the monster/insomnia connection.