I like the tone and the capitalization of "City" which piques my interest. I think I had a bit of a disconnect when you said the streets were labeled though. I picture physical streets as marked with signs and a map of streets as 'labeled.' Maybe that's just me.
I thought this was kind of in the middle. It didn't make me say Wow! I have to read more, but it didn't make me not want to read on.
You might cut the word "meticulously." Don' most cities have labeled streets and numbers?
Another thing that could help is placing the MC on a street corner and having her/him seeing the street signs. In other words, show us instead of telling us.
This is okay. I don't have a problem with starting with discription in this genre, but I'd stop reading soon if I didn't come across some really unique cool details of the setting or if I didn't get into the mc head in the next paragraph or so.
Hmmm...I have to admit I'm not too hooked. Aren't most cities meticulously numbered and labeled? Seems too average, nothing really pulling me in. Is there another detail about this city that would be more interesting than how organized it is? I'm afraid as is it doesn't do it for me.
I liked the capitalisation in City. It made me wonder if it is the only city in this place, in which case the description of the numbers wouldn't be so redundant. This sentence on its own isn't enough to hook me but I wouldn't give up after only one sentence either.
I like the tone and the capitalization of "City" which piques my interest. I think I had a bit of a disconnect when you said the streets were labeled though. I picture physical streets as marked with signs and a map of streets as 'labeled.' Maybe that's just me.
ReplyDeleteI thought this was kind of in the middle. It didn't make me say Wow! I have to read more, but it didn't make me not want to read on.
ReplyDeleteYou might cut the word "meticulously." Don' most cities have labeled streets and numbers?
Another thing that could help is placing the MC on a street corner and having her/him seeing the street signs. In other words, show us instead of telling us.
The detail is good, but the first thing that struck me was the use of passive verbs (was/were). Maybe tweak? It would make them stronger.
ReplyDeleteThis is okay. I don't have a problem with starting with discription in this genre, but I'd stop reading soon if I didn't come across some really unique cool details of the setting or if I didn't get into the mc head in the next paragraph or so.
ReplyDeleteHmmm...I have to admit I'm not too hooked. Aren't most cities meticulously numbered and labeled? Seems too average, nothing really pulling me in. Is there another detail about this city that would be more interesting than how organized it is? I'm afraid as is it doesn't do it for me.
ReplyDeleteI must admit this one left me floundering.
ReplyDeleteThere was nothing that 'spoke' to me. It's just too ordinary.
You need to find something exciting or different about this City (I like the capitlas) to hook the reader in.
I liked the capitalisation in City. It made me wonder if it is the only city in this place, in which case the description of the numbers wouldn't be so redundant. This sentence on its own isn't enough to hook me but I wouldn't give up after only one sentence either.
ReplyDelete
ReplyDeletenice!
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