Thursday, June 3, 2010

Tiny Drop the Needle #3

TITLE: Wilder Times

He'd ditched her. Again. Katrina Hayes didn't have enough
fingers to count the number of times she'd been stood up within the
past twenty-four hours. She found herself wishing that she was a
mutant. With ten fingers on each hand. That would make it easier to
track just how many times Jackson Scott hadn't been where he was
supposed to be. Plus, double digits on one hand would make for a
really cool slap mark across his check. Which was what he deserved
right about now.

The halls were nearly empty: everyone had gone to lunch. Everyone but
Katrina. She was standing by her locker looking like a lost loser.
Apparently Jackson wasn't meeting her here just like he had done every
day for the past two-and-a-half years. She slammed her locker shut and
stormed to the cafeteria.

The lunch lines were horrendously long. She looked toward the cluster
of tables near the center of the lunch room. There he was, setting out
his sack lunch. A small growl escaped through her clenched teeth; the
growl that Jackson said made her sound like Marge Simpson's sister.
But this growl was warranted. Not only had Jackson come to the
cafeteria alone, he was also proceeding to eat lunch without her. If
she went through the lunch line, he'd be gone by the time she got her
food. And obviously that was his intention.


  1. Some passive voice phrases such as ‘…was warranted…’ and ‘…she’d been stood up…’ need fixed.

    In this sample, I couldn’t locate a tone or voice, probably a result of the limited submission and because we are in the middle of the story. If this is the first page, however, you will need to spiff it up more, give us a better look into Katrina’s mind.

    For now, I feel there is room for improvement. I liked the descriptions, but felt the beginning paragraph went on for too long. Try to get the message across (stood up many times) with fewer words.

  2. The image of a really cool slap mark made me smile. That was a fun line.

    Changing some of your verbs would bring the action more into the present moment. Right now, it feels as if the events just happened, rather than are occurring now. For example, "She found herself wishing" and "She was standing" could be She wished or She stood.

    Replacing was/were with more active verbs will help.

  3. Agree to tighten this with active vs passive voice.
    That being said the first paragraph still made me chuckle.

  4. Very creative line about the double digits and what he deserved. :)

    Maybe not Marge Simpson's sister, but just Marge Simpson?

    Good job!

  5. I don't have anything to say that hasn't been said already.

    Loved the line about the slap mark (although I think you meant cheek, not check). And of course, I'd read on to hear Jackson's excuse for how he's been acting. :)

  6. The others have made some good points in regards to the writing, so I will just add that the voice in this (esp. first paragraph) is really fun.

    I write in a similar style, which can read a little choppy when overdone--a little too "reporterish." You might combine some of the really short sentences for easier reading.

    Overall, I'd love to read more!

  7. There wasn't much here to latch onto, but it is a short piece so . . .

    Everyone else has said what I would have said. Overall, I'd suggest livening up the writing and get a bit more movement into the story.