Wednesday, June 9, 2010

Drop the Needle: Death #15

TITLE: spirit called
GENRE: urban fantasy

The MC has a vision of his preternatural sword from its past. The language is archaic. The antag is a 'daemon' and the Master has the rapier in his hand.

Ah, but.an innocent had been killed by the rapier, in a far away land, in a distant time. I saw the picture of a face, a female, her grief worn on her like a ragged veil, terrible and marring and her hand, her own hand, taking a long dagger, holding it thus, jerking it to her and piercing her own beating heart. Then, the angry Daemon, cursing, maddened with frustration, reaching for her, too late, fury crossing its face. A throat-lacerating scream, a pain too great to hold in a human body, a Master's thunderous, all encompassing rage and horror. A growl, the whistle of displaced air from the rapier, a brilliant light, a booming roar great enough to burst the eardrums of all surrounding creatures. The Daemon destroyed by the bonded Master.

Then, Lo! In the great silence that ensued, a sound so remote but distinct, a slow drop of tears. Then a resolute sigh, the ring of steel, and a soft groan.

And the unmistakable sound of steel sheathed, not in leather or metal but passing through clothing, passing through skin, passing through ribs. A lingering, endless sigh and a Master's last words to his Beloved, "I will be with you now, my Love."

I jerked up from this nightmare, this dream that was not an illusion.

Because now I believed, and I knew I had a part to play in this nightmare.
But whether as hero, sidekick, or goat, I could not guess.

6 comments:

  1. I actually like the language more than I thought I would. It was surprisingly emotive without feeling melodramatic or overwrought, IMO.

    ReplyDelete
  2. I also found the language to be very interesting. It's certainly not something you see everyday, and you managed to pull it off. Great work! :)

    ReplyDelete
  3. I didn't have any trouble with the language. But I did find myself confused by the larger chunky paragraph. I'm still not sure that I understand exactly what took place. It just ran together for me, even after reading it through several times.

    I like your descriptions: 'her grief worn on her like a ragged veil' and 'throat-lacerating scream, a pain too great to hold in a human body' But then I was confused by 'a Master's thunderous, all encompassing rage and horror.'

    Is the Daemon trying to save the woman? That's what I got out of it. And it was the Daemon's distress over failing that was the 'throat-lacerating scream' but then it flows right into 'a Master' which confuses me.

    I do like it though and would read on. I must say that I'm smitten by the last, 'But whether as hero, sidekick or goat, I could not guess.' That won me over without question.

    As someone working on an epic fantasy that involves Demons who are bound to those who control them I'm automatically drawn to this. So write on! I want to know more!

    ReplyDelete
  4. I like the imagery and languge, but I feel it's a *little* too much in one gulp - especially for an urban fantasy, which tends to have more modern language. There are many long sentences that read a little like lists and I feel the reader might want a break: a shorter sentence in the middle to break it up.

    I love the first sentence in the third paragraph. The second sentence, not as much. A little too trite.

    Hero, sidekick or goat? tell me more

    ReplyDelete
  5. I also like much of this, but also agree that I couldn't quite figure out what exactly happened, or what he "saw." I figured since it's a nightmare, it's supposed to be a little odd/confusing/vague, but that probably doesn't serve your purpose. It's a little dense and long--maybe just breaking it up into two paragraphs would let it breathe (and let the reader in). It "feels" like a nightmare, the way it's written, but like a nightmare, you want it to end. Is there supposed to be a period after the second word? Like the last line a lot--lightens it up and makes me want to read more.

    ReplyDelete