Tuesday, June 22, 2010

25 Words #23

GENRE: Memoir

I tried the doorknob but it only jiggled. Crap. My roommate Na Wei must have returned and locked it from the inside.


  1. I like this because I wonder what the narrator's done to get locked out. :) The only thing that tripped me up was "my roommate Na Wei." Maybe you could just say "Na Wei" and then I wouldn't feel like the info was being inserted just for the reader. Intrigued, though!

  2. I like your MC's voice but I could use just a touch more info here. Is it late? Is Na Wei sleeping at a normal time and the MC is returning late? Were either of them up to shenanigans?

    A change in word choice here might get me more interested.

  3. Nice action to start, but I'd suggest using "roommate" or "Na Wei," not both. It feels a bit too forceful for the reader.

  4. It didn't do much for me. She's locked out of her apartment.

    Doesn't she have a key? Why not? Where is she coming from?

    A hint at one of those things could draw me in.

  5. Agree that you could cut "roommate" - we can figure out over the next few pages who NW is.

    I am intrigued, because I'm wondering why NW locking it from the inside is a problem. Is she locking the narrator out? Why couldn't the narrator just knock?

  6. I'd read on to see what's happening.

    You could make the setting clearer by give a discriptive noun instead of using 'it'. I noticed Barbara thought it was an apartment. I thought it was a dorm room. Perhaps say 'lock the apartment door' or whatever it is.