I like the first person narrative here, especially since the speaker has an automatic authority with their first few words.
But 'important' is a little bland and generic. Maybe if you cut that and just said "an emerald key which secures the deciding powers of good and evil in Lataria."
Interested more in the keeper than the key at this point though!
Not for me. The MC is telling me who he/she is. I'd prefer to see it. Maybe open with a scene that shows the MC obtaining the key, or a bit of description of Lataria. I want to enter your world, not chat with your MC.
I think your intent here is to show right away what the key is and who has it... but it is telling, not showing. My fear would be that an agent would start reading this and think, "Cliche," and pass right away, which would be a shame.
I agree with Vincent about the first sentence. I like the strength and directness of it. But the second sentence was something I'd prefer to learn as the action of first chapter unfolds.
I like the idea of the main character being the keeper of the key and that it secures the deciding powers of good and evil, but if I were you, I would cut out the part about it being important for Lataria (I would put that part in later). It just seems like you're throwing too much information at the reader at once, and info that is out of order. You talk about the key, then mention Lataria without explaining who she is or how she's important, and then go on to saying more about the key itself. If I were you, I'd ground us first in one thing before moving on to another and I think you'll be much better off. I would also like to learn more about the main character first before whoever Lataria is, since he or she is telling the story. Maybe that's just personal preference, though. Overall, not a bad start, though.
Your story sounds interesting but the beginning was a bit too general to hook me. What is happening to the character at this specific point in time that would make us want to read on?
I like the first person narrative here, especially since the speaker has an automatic authority with their first few words.
ReplyDeleteBut 'important' is a little bland and generic. Maybe if you cut that and just said "an emerald key which secures the deciding powers of good and evil in Lataria."
Interested more in the keeper than the key at this point though!
Not for me. The MC is telling me who he/she is. I'd prefer to see it. Maybe open with a scene that shows the MC obtaining the key, or a bit of description of Lataria. I want to enter your world, not chat with your MC.
ReplyDeleteI think your intent here is to show right away what the key is and who has it... but it is telling, not showing. My fear would be that an agent would start reading this and think, "Cliche," and pass right away, which would be a shame.
ReplyDeleteI agree with Vincent about the first sentence. I like the strength and directness of it. But the second sentence was something I'd prefer to learn as the action of first chapter unfolds.
ReplyDeleteI like the idea of the main character being the keeper of the key and that it secures the deciding powers of good and evil, but if I were you, I would cut out the part about it being important for Lataria (I would put that part in later). It just seems like you're throwing too much information at the reader at once, and info that is out of order. You talk about the key, then mention Lataria without explaining who she is or how she's important, and then go on to saying more about the key itself. If I were you, I'd ground us first in one thing before moving on to another and I think you'll be much better off. I would also like to learn more about the main character first before whoever Lataria is, since he or she is telling the story. Maybe that's just personal preference, though. Overall, not a bad start, though.
ReplyDeleteNot my genre...but the cliche ...the key had the power of good over evil...wouldn't encourage me try something new.
ReplyDeleteWhy not something along the lines of
Shocked I realised I was now the keeper of the key-- The Emerald Key-- so vital for the survival of Lataria...
This ups the ante you've imbued this key with now magical qualities. Play around with it until you get the exact meaning you want to convey.
Hmm. I'm not sure I like this opening. Lots of tell here, and I personally prefer to be shown. I like Shirley's comments.
ReplyDeleteYour story sounds interesting but the beginning was a bit too general to hook me. What is happening to the character at this specific point in time that would make us want to read on?
ReplyDeleteI like this. I would read more. There's not quite enough sentences for me to determine the nature of this book.
ReplyDeletenice!
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