Thursday, June 3, 2010

Tiny Drop the Needle #5

TITLE: WHITE PHOENIX
GENRE: Dark Fantasy

Cassandra and Silas reminisce about her aunt during their last moments together.

The corners of her soulful eyes crinkled with the small laugh that touched her lips. "Korynn lost many nights of sleep over the possibility of you falling in love with me, and I with you."

"Well, then," Silas chuckled, "I can only imagine what she would say if she saw us like this."

Cassandra dropped her forehead against his chest, taking in a lungful of the woodland scent that was native to his person. He knew the emotions, the myriad of thoughts, were beginning to overwhelm her, so he said nothing. He only moved his hand to cradle the back of her head, his other arm firm across her lower back. "What do you think she would say?" she whispered. There was a longing in her tone, one that asked to hear her aunt's voice again.

Silas held her tighter. He wished he could give her that which her aunt no longer could. If his voice could forever comfort her, banish all fears from every corner of her mind, somehow make her feel safe in her own skin, he would never let his lips be met with silence. But he couldn't give Cassandra her voice. He could only give her the memory.

"She'd probably tell you how happy she is for you, how glad she is to be wrong about her worries," he said finally, grinning. "Then she'd take another swig from her mug and mutter about how stubborn we are under her breath, like she always does."

10 comments:

  1. Like, Like, Like this. Most definitely hooked.

    I hunger for more of this particular submission and I see nothing to crit.

    And for totally selfish reasons (I want to see this one on my book shelf), I sincerely hope you find representation and a publisher. Good Job!

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  2. He wished he could give her that which her aunt no longer could...
    I'm not overly crazy about "that which" and would try using "what."

    Also a knit pick:

    "...like she always does." I got the impression her aunt was dead. If not then does works. If so, then I would use did.

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  3. Definitley hooky, though I did have a bit of a hard time figuring out who the POV character was at first. I think this line threw me: Cassandra dropped her forehead against his chest, taking in a lungful of the woodland scent that was native to his person." It sounds like it's from her POV and I expected the rest of the para to be from her point of view too. Otherwise though, this was really good.

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  4. Perhaps change "dropped her head." Maybe loweed or snuggled. And the sentence is in her POV. It should be in his.

    'his lips be met with silence." implies the silence is cassandra's, and I'm thinking the silence is supposed to be his?

    Overall, the writing could be polished a bit more, but it's a nice, touching scene, and I feel the tenderness and caring between the two of them.

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  5. I like the emotions between the characters and their relationship was strong. I do think that some of the adjectives could be condensed. "Woodland scent" threw me a little bit. Overall, I liked the intamacy between the characters.

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  6. I definitely liked the characters and the quietness of the scene, but the writing could use some more polishing, I think.

    For instance, the first sentence has a few too many adjectives and incidental clauses to really pack a punch. And I'm not a fan of the punctuation in the second paragraph, as you can't chuckle dialogue.

    (You can chuckle within dialogue, of course, so maybe something like, "Well, then" - Silas chuckled - "I can only imagine what she would say if she saw us like this" or "Well, then." Silas chuckled. "I can only imagine what she would say if she saw us like this." Or you might even try moving the phrase "Silas chuckled" to the beginning of the paragraph and making it its own sentence.)

    Good luck!

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  7. I was confused about who the POV character was in this section. To me, it seemed to jump from Cass to Silas and back again.

    Silas seems to know an awful lot about Cass and can interpret her sighs and looks (He knew the emotions, the myriad of thoughts, were beginning to overwhelm her) (a longing in her tone, one that asked to hear her aunt's voice again)

    Just my opinion.

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  8. Yes, the POV is distracting. I'm not typically a POV Nazi, but if you're going to head hop, I'd love to be able to figure out why. This seems a bit random.

    If we're in HER POV, she shouldn't be having "soulful" eyes that crinkle - no one thinks of themselves that way.

    If were' in HIS POV, then he shouldn't think about his woodland scent - again, no one thinks of themselves that way.

    It's a nice passage, otherwise :)

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  9. Thank you all so much for the lovely comments and advice. I didn't even realize how ridiculous my head-hopping was until now. Just one more thing for me to focus on during my revisions, I guess. :)

    Thanks again!

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