Tuesday, June 22, 2010

25 Words #29

TITLE: Nikko's Bond
GENRE: YA, Sci-fi

Marni left us during the night.

Constant tremors rippled through her body as she accepted our condolences. She came to me last.


  1. Loved the first line.
    The second kind of threw me. We was thinking she'd died or snuk off, in private. But on second reading, I think I like it. Would definitly read on.

  2. Not really sure what's happening here and maybe that's intentional.

    The second part made me have to go back and re-read to make sure I got it right the first time.

    I like the sense of community but what's happening would need to be clarified within the next couple of sentences to keep my attention.

  3. The two sentences are disjointed. I had to go back and re-read which pulled me out of the story. Which is not the intent I'm sure.

  4. Fantastic first sentence.

    The second paragraph is powerful, but perhaps a little rewording would help it transition better.

  5. I agree with the above posts. I like the first sentence...but the others were confusing. I had to re-read, thought that I was missing something. Not sure I would read on.

    Good luck!

  6. Agree with the others as far as the disjointedness. Though I'm definitely curious enough to read on!

  7. I agree, it's a bit confusing. But the thing that confused me was that I got the impression these people would feel grief rather than sympathy for the person whio died?

  8. I also had to re-read. I think the disconnect happens because of the paragraph break. Reading it as one paragraph makes a big difference, I think.

  9. Not sure what's happening here, but would read more to find out.