Present-tense first person can be tough to pull off, though it puts the reader in the moment. I only worry that this opening doesn't move the reader into the story fast enough.
Hard to tell in only 25 words but there's not much to pull me in here.
If his retinas are being fried, wouldn't he do more than flinch? Perhaps cut the flinch.
Damn! Now all I see is random white blobs.
And the black he saw with his eyes closed before this happened is so much better?
I know that's not what you're trying to convey, but that's what the words are saying. Perhaps rather than a verbal reaction to the light, the MC could give us a clue as to what the light was, or where it came from?
I'd tighten this intro further- I open my eyes only to have my retina's fried by a blaze of lights. Damn! (in here I think you need to put something about why it is improtatnt for her/him to see, so that you raise the tension) ie. how's a girl supposed to defend herself when all she sees is random white blobs. (this makes it more immediate etc. Not sure where you are going with the not being able to see but as it is a suspense I think this is better.)
I concur with Bron. The reader needs to immdeiately grasp why it's so important the narrator can't see. ...is she in danger? ...does she need to preotect herself from someone close at hand? Who else is in the scene? Is she alone?
First person is difficult to pull off but is brilliant when done well... Daphne du Maurier's Rebecca comes forcibly to mind...perhaps because I've just re-read it.
The word choice in this makes it read more like urban fantasy or horror than romantic suspense to me. The first part up to "strikes me" is fine, but after that the tone feels off.
I'm also left wondering how the mc knows his or her retinas are fried? Maybe I'll understand in the next paragraph, once I know what the setting is.
We need to know what your MC is trying to see. The white light is not a surprise, so why is he/she opening his/her eyes? If the MC is blind, I hope the other senses are brought in in the rest of the paragraph. Not hooked, yet, but not shaken off either. Hook me quick!
Present-tense first person can be tough to pull off, though it puts the reader in the moment. I only worry that this opening doesn't move the reader into the story fast enough.
ReplyDeleteHard to tell in only 25 words but there's not much to pull me in here.
If his retinas are being fried, wouldn't he do more than flinch? Perhaps cut the flinch.
ReplyDeleteDamn! Now all I see is random white blobs.
And the black he saw with his eyes closed before this happened is so much better?
I know that's not what you're trying to convey, but that's what the words are saying. Perhaps rather than a verbal reaction to the light, the MC could give us a clue as to what the light was, or where it came from?
I'd tighten this intro further-
ReplyDeleteI open my eyes only to have my retina's fried by a blaze of lights. Damn! (in here I think you need to put something about why it is improtatnt for her/him to see, so that you raise the tension) ie. how's a girl supposed to defend herself when all she sees is random white blobs. (this makes it more immediate etc. Not sure where you are going with the not being able to see but as it is a suspense I think this is better.)
I concur with Bron. The reader needs to immdeiately grasp why it's so important the narrator can't see.
ReplyDelete...is she in danger? ...does she need to preotect herself from someone close at hand? Who else is in the scene? Is she alone?
First person is difficult to pull off but is brilliant when done well... Daphne du Maurier's Rebecca comes forcibly to mind...perhaps because I've just re-read it.
The word choice in this makes it read more like urban fantasy or horror than romantic suspense to me. The first part up to "strikes me" is fine, but after that the tone feels off.
ReplyDeleteI'm also left wondering how the mc knows his or her retinas are fried? Maybe I'll understand in the next paragraph, once I know what the setting is.
We need to know what your MC is trying to see. The white light is not a surprise, so why is he/she opening his/her eyes? If the MC is blind, I hope the other senses are brought in in the rest of the paragraph.
ReplyDeleteNot hooked, yet, but not shaken off either. Hook me quick!
nice!
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