TITLE: FATE
GENRE: YA Paranormal
Helen's shrieks shook every bookshelf and every body until the burst of power hit her and a void opened up just as black as the power was white, consuming both ghost and power... until, finally, she was gone.
A feeling of quiet filled the cavern. Everything stopped. Frozen. All was at an end.
The sudden stillness accentuated the shock Christian felt. Helen was gone. All worry, doubt...every horrible feeling she had caused was erased. He could act freely now. Christian never realized how concentrated the evil was in the cavern until it was gone.
The feeling of relief left. Christian looked over at a lifeless body just a few feet away. A swelling began to tighten Christian's throat as he drifted over to where Angel lay. He knelt down beside her, reaching, pulling her to him. Wrist in his hand, he felt for a pulse and her thoughts at once, but found neither. His breathing became more rapid. Sobs formed in his chest. He yelled up at the empty vast ceiling over his head; the first, loud noise since the sudden silence of Helen's downfall.
He wouldn't believe Angel was gone; he wouldn't. But the feeling of abandonment and emptiness crept in, making a hole in his heart. Christian shook his head; his lips a hard, tight line. In his desperation, he gathered all of his energy together and tried to focus it on Angel's lifeless heart. He tried to move it, pumping his mind, but it refused to work. Angel was gone.
I liked this scene, though I think it would do better with shorter sentences.
ReplyDeleteWhen Christian is angry, you need to show, not tell. Rather than say "he yelled", make him yell. What is he yelling? This makes it more immediate and powerful than merely saying that he yelled.
This being a paranormal story, and since Christian is able to discern a person's thoughts, he should be able to pick up on the spirit of Angel's thoughts. Thoughts (telepathy) are a type of communication for a soul or spirit. Though this might be a stretch for Christian as the reader doesn't know anything about his capabilities.
I really liked this, though there were a couple of sentences I wasn't sure about. "all was at an end" seems a tad bit reduntent. Also, I think the word 'gone' is used too much.
ReplyDeleteStill, I really liked it - it was very well done. :)
An enjoyable scene though I had a little trouble with the first paragraph. "shrieks" and "shook" tripped me up and made me stop reading for a moment. How about finding another word to replace "shrieks?" Also in that paragraph -- you use "power" three times. Distracting for me. A small nit -- I think I can see why you wanted to separate "every" and "body" and not have them as one word but I wouldn't do it. It makes the reader have to consider the use of the words, instead of just plowing on to the next paragraph.
ReplyDeleteOne thing I notice in your writing is something I fight in my own, and that's over-description. Your second paragraph is a good example. I would delete everything after "cavern" all the way through "stillness" and change the verb to "accentuating."
If you read the section with all those words removed, the meaning is unchanged. I also think the impact is greater.
There are other instances of this -- "A swelling began to tighten Christian's throat" could be "Christian's throat tightened." "Wrist in his hand" to me is awkward. I would go directly to "He felt for a pulse...."
Just a few thoughts from one who fights the same dragon.
nice!
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