TITLE: April O'Neal (as yet untitled
GENRE: Young Adult
After her father has been in an accident, April sees a news report of her dad performing a rescue while sitting in the hospital waiting room.
A doctor enters the room at that moment. I listen in silence as he tells me my father sustained fatal injuries as the result of a car accident this afternoon. "We did what we could, but he'd lost too much blood. He never regained consciousness." I slide from the couch to the floor. I look up at the doctor, thinking I didn't hear him correctly. I just saw my dad on the news. Saving a boy. Saving a boy. He was fine. Well, except for the whole rushing water thing. But there he was, calmly doing his job as if putting himself in danger for other people is a sane thing to do. His shift wasn't even supposed to be over yet. What was he doing in his car?
"No. NO." I point at the TV. "He was on the news." The doctor looks away, uncomfortable. He has a look on his face a lot like the policeman who brought me here in his cruiser. It makes me wonder. You'd think a doctor would be better at delivering bad news. He probably has to do it a lot. Or maybe that's why he looks like he's holding something sour in his mouth. Maybe you just never get good at telling a girl her father is dead.
OH, WOW. I very much liked this submission. I feel I am beside her or with the doctor. Excellent voice and tone. Gotta wipe the tears from my eyes, so, yeah, you got me into it big time.
ReplyDeleteAfter searching diligently for something to criticize, the best I can come up with, it is too short. I want more.
The last paragraph was especially good. It was real and having been in a similar position in my personal life, it is exactly what is going through your mind, noticing the inconsequential things around the room. The attitude is right on target.
Good Job! I would read more.
I'd read more! Very convincing and totally believable. It made me want to call my dad...
ReplyDeleteLove this--I really feel for the girl! I like that you show exactly how the doctor is feeling as well.
ReplyDeleteGood job! That's really all I can say =).
ReplyDeleteVery vivid. Pulled me right in. I can't think of anything to suggest.
ReplyDeleteI agree with the emotional connect you achieve with this scene. I did have to read it twice, because it's confusing, but the character's confused about what actually happened, so it works.
ReplyDeleteI especially like the last line.
A scene in a hospital is always emotional. So, this is good. There's a sense of loss and confusion.
ReplyDeleteMy only suggestion to you would be to vary your sentences. Many of them are short. Confusion and sadness should come slowly.
When the girl falls to the floor, slow the scene a bit. Wallow in her shock. Let the reader feel it more.
Nice job.
Very very well done. I wish I could give some advice, but the scene really seems to work great as is. :)
ReplyDeleteReally well done. Can't add anything more.
ReplyDeleteThis excerpt, the last line especially, is very powerful.
ReplyDeleteMy only nitpick is when you repeat "saving a boy." I understand that's April trying to digest the information, but I found it a bit jarring. If you maybe change the sentence before to, "I just saw my dad on the news, saving a boy," and then repeat those last three words, that may flow better.
Very emotional, really pulls the reader into the scene, which is great. I agree with Henya's comment that the part where April slides onto the floor should feel slower. Lengthening the sentences there should slow the pacing in that spot.
ReplyDeleteThe last paragraph is great because how she views the doctor tells a lot about April's character. She's very introspective and cares about how others feel. Great job!
I, too, like this scene very much. You leave me wanting to read more. Nice job!
ReplyDeleteI liked this a lot. The last line was excellent. The only thing that struck me was when she said 'except for the whole rushing water thing'. It seemed a bit flippant but then people have different reactions to death and maybe that's what she would think. Great job.
ReplyDeleteGood job! Poor April was my first thought...so obviously I'm connecting to this character right away. I do agree, though, that maybe the second "Saving a boy" MIGHT be unnecessary. :)
ReplyDeleteI liked it a lot too, but I liked it better when I realized we were doing drop the needle and not first 250. I'm always one step behind!
ReplyDeleteWell done!
ReplyDeletenice!
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