Thursday, June 3, 2010

Tiny Drop the Needle #6

TITLE: Carey On
GENRE: Contemporary Romance

Lead-in: Jay awakens in the night and receives a revelation.

Gazing at her in the bewitching glow of moonlight, he leaned over and
sniffed her hair again. There was always an elusive hint of jasmine
there, just as there was always the hint of a taste of strawberries in
her mouth; sweet, but with a bit of tartness that made his mouth water
for more. He loved tasting her kisses. Just thinking about it made
him inch closer and raise himself enough so he could brush his lips
against hers. Katie didn't stir at the light touch, but it had an
amazing effect on Jay.

Feelings he'd tried so hard to ignore came roaring up at that innocent
kiss. His heart pounded in his chest and he found it difficult to
breathe. A determined expression firmed his face as he tried to push
away emotions that had been trying to surface since that night he'd
dragged her out of The Marquee. He'd been successful in keeping them
buried, but now they refused to be tidied back into whatever recesses
of his mind and heart he'd stored them. They filled him completely,
demanding to be acknowledged, and he had to let them out or explode.
His whisper was soft, the barest movement of his lips, but it seemed
to shatter the slumbering silence of the room. "I love you."


  1. Ah, I love romance. I like the first paragraph, but the second had a few issues. "A determined expression" pulls us out of his POV, as he can't see his own expression. That line about the recesses of his mind and heart didn't flow very well ... I think I would just pick heart and leave mind out of it. "Filled him completely" seemed cliche. At the end of the sentence, I think it might be more powerful if you put a period after out and then start a new sentence. (let them out. Or he might explode.) Something like that might put more emphasis on the consequence.
    I love the last line, " shatter the slumbering silence." Good job!

  2. Good descriptions and I enjoyed the building of intensity. I would read more of this though Romance is not one of my favorite genres.

    The interest builds throughout. And that is not always an easy mood to sustain.

    Good Job.

  3. I may cut one "hint" and replace it with a similar word, but maybe that is too knit picky.

    I would drop the determined expression. 1) I am not sure if someone would see his own expression. 2)More importantly it tells rather than shows.

    I'd pick heart over mind, since we're talking love.

    But there is a good build up and I was waiting to read those three coveted words.

  4. I loved this. Now run along and get this published so I can learn more about who, why, what, and when.

  5. I liked this - it raised some good questions. But I do feel like the second para was a bit overwritten - I think you could trim it up a bit and still get the same effect.

  6. Love this, especially the last few lines. But then again, I'm just a sucker for a romance (and it seems like this is a forbidden one, my favorite kind!).

    I really have no idea how you could improve upon this. There isn't a thing I would change.

  7. I thought this was over-written, but I don't read romance and perhaps this is the way things are done.

    I also felt Jay sounded more like a woman than a man in the first parg. The way things are described seemed really feminine to me. I didn't have that problem in the second parg.

    And the last line in the first parg - had an amazing affect on Jay - 'Jay' should be 'him.' Jay wouldn't think of himself as Jay.

  8. On the whole, I liked this, but I agree with Barbara on a few points. The over-description in the first paragraph did come across as feminine in a few places (or at least overdone), and Jay wouldn't call himself Jay in the last line of that same paragraph.

  9. I agree with Barbara and Krista - this is a bit overwritten, and sounds 100% feminine to my ears/ eyes :) I just can't imagine any man processing this flowery stuff in his head. Maybe dial it back a bit? I'm a romance reader as well as writer, and yes, this kind of men-speaking-like-women really bugs me.