The first sentence gets me. It's great, it's a good hook. But the second doesn't do much. I'm not sure that's bad - just that in this 25 word limit, it resorts to telling. Also, since the first implies that everything has been sold, but now we know she has kept the house and what she needs to live, it weakens the impact of the first.
I'd rather see (as a second sentence) an example of the choices she has made - like maybe "With the plow sold, she had to keep the hoe, and she'd freeze this winter with no ax."
Like Daring Novelist, I thought the second sentence weakened the impact of the first. Unlike Daring Novelist, I didn't have a great suggestion as to how to fix it, but his/hers is perfect. The story itself sounds like it's going to be interesting, but I think you can start with a little more punch.
How can you not love a historical western romance??
ReplyDeleteI like your setup: desperation of the situation, struggle for survival and introduction of your protagonist (I'm assuming).
Points for originality!
I agree. You feel the desperation right away.
ReplyDeleteThe first sentence gets me. It's great, it's a good hook. But the second doesn't do much. I'm not sure that's bad - just that in this 25 word limit, it resorts to telling. Also, since the first implies that everything has been sold, but now we know she has kept the house and what she needs to live, it weakens the impact of the first.
ReplyDeleteI'd rather see (as a second sentence) an example of the choices she has made - like maybe "With the plow sold, she had to keep the hoe, and she'd freeze this winter with no ax."
Great first sentence. And great advice from the Daring Novelist. I'd take it!
ReplyDeleteLove it. The desperation comes across right away.
ReplyDeleteGreat tone and voice. I do think Daring Novelist's suggestion would allow you to make it stronger by showing the how bad it is. But it works as is.
ReplyDeleteLike Daring Novelist, I thought the second sentence weakened the impact of the first. Unlike Daring Novelist, I didn't have a great suggestion as to how to fix it, but his/hers is perfect. The story itself sounds like it's going to be interesting, but I think you can start with a little more punch.
ReplyDeleteChoices can be so hard.
ReplyDeleteThis is what you've conveyed with your first sentence.
I too like Daring writer's suggestions. It gives a greater impact to that first stak statement.
ReplyDeletenice!
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