Tess wished she believed in miracles, because she sure as s*** needed one now. With sight obscured by indigo mist, she pushed further into the musty cave.
I'm hooked and would read more. I'd be curious to read the next sentence. The second sentence was more "beautiful" writing than the first, although the first was my favorite - I love, love, love it!
Good job, but the voice (for me) seems like it's coming from two different people. The very first sentence sets me up to expect a character with a little fire in her belly, a little tarnish on her halo. The "indigo mist" line makes me think of a more romantic, flowy dress kinda gal. I'd read on, to see which sentence really fits the overall voice. Hooked, though.
Like the opening. "With sight obscured" - not sure about the formatting of this. It seems to have a subject missing. maybe: "Her sight obscured by indigo mist, she pushed..."
Maybe I'm just a prude, but the swear pulled me out immediately. It feels cheap to use a swear word to create artificial drama and excitement in the first sentence. The rest of the paragraph would have to be very good for me to keep reading. Also, like Morphine-moniza, I am confused by the idiom. 'Sure as hell' I've heard (and probably wouldn't have pulled me out), but I've never heard that one.
I really like this. I'm a huge curser (in real life) and I like the voice you're giving. It shows Tess is in trouble, without telling. I'd read more.
ReplyDeleteI feel the fantasy vibe in the indigo mist, and the earthy cynicism of the MC in her thougths. This does a great job of setting us up. Good work!
ReplyDeleteI'm hooked and would read more. I'd be curious to read the next sentence. The second sentence was more "beautiful" writing than the first, although the first was my favorite - I love, love, love it!
ReplyDeleteI loved putting "sh**" in that first sentence. Packs a f**king wallop! WOW!!!
ReplyDeleteEveryone likes a good cuss now and then.
ReplyDeleteWhere is this indigo mist coming from? What's luring Tess into the musty cave? Why does she need a miracle?
All great hooks to keep me reading!
Good job, but the voice (for me) seems like it's coming from two different people. The very first sentence sets me up to expect a character with a little fire in her belly, a little tarnish on her halo. The "indigo mist" line makes me think of a more romantic, flowy dress kinda gal. I'd read on, to see which sentence really fits the overall voice. Hooked, though.
ReplyDeleteLike the opening. "With sight obscured" - not sure about the formatting of this. It seems to have a subject missing. maybe: "Her sight obscured by indigo mist, she pushed..."
ReplyDeleteI enjoyed this opening and would love to read on. Well done.
ReplyDeleteI loved it. Setting, problem and character all in 25 words!
ReplyDeleteYou might change 'with' in the 2nd sentence to 'Her.'
Thanks for the comments everyone. The HER does fit better - great suggestion!
ReplyDeleteFirst line made me smile - nice! I like your voice and would definitely read on.
ReplyDeleteYou could actually eliminate the With or Her altogether as well.
Nice voice.
ReplyDeleteTells us she will probably believe before the end of the story. Nice.
ReplyDeleteI'm guessing "s***" refers to excrement. Is "s***" not allowed on blogs? It's so harmless.
ReplyDeleteAnyway, I found the phrase "sure as s***" kind of weird, mainly because I've never heard it. "sure as hell" sounds less odd to me.
But I suppose "hell" packs less of a punch than "sh*t". (I feel so silly censoring such a harmless word)
Maybe I'm just a prude, but the swear pulled me out immediately. It feels cheap to use a swear word to create artificial drama and excitement in the first sentence. The rest of the paragraph would have to be very good for me to keep reading.
ReplyDeleteAlso, like Morphine-moniza, I am confused by the idiom. 'Sure as hell' I've heard (and probably wouldn't have pulled me out), but I've never heard that one.
I liked the voice in the first line. 'With sight obscured by indigo mist' doesn't quite work for me though. I'd read on because of the voice though.
ReplyDelete
ReplyDeletenice!
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