TITLE: Lily of the Lamplight
GENRE: YA noir
Oliver, an 18 yo video game tester, realizes the girl he's been in love with is a murderer and holding his friend who's bleeding out from a gunshot wound. But now he's got the gun.
It's just a game, I told myself. What would you do if this were a game?
I'd shoot her.
In a game you don't think that you loved this girl and now she's crazy and get all wobbly. You just save your friend. You level the gun. You see the Blastercon right there in your sites.
"Lily wanted the money. Lily would've fought me for it. I needed a suspect."
"All that blood..." I said.
"Lily's. This would have been over a long time ago, if you hadn't been late that day."
"The girl, in front of my window..."
"It's pretty easy to impersonate a girl you've only ever seen from twenty feet away through a pane of glass. Especially when she always wore her hair the same way."
You level the gun. You see her, right there in your sites.
"You're going to kill us, too."
"You're the one letting Max bleed to death." She said.
You just shoot. I'd always been a really good shot with a toy gun.
Lily fell. Delia fell. Whoever it was. She fell over. On top of Max. I threw up on the way to the phone, but I managed to call 911. I heard sirens in moments. Police and medical techs swarmed around me. Someone took the gun out of my hands. My head still hurt, but now it buzzed too, so loud, louder, and the room got fuzzy, and I think I fell down, too.
Excellent dialogue, I loved Oliver’s distinct voice and you put me right into his head. Good job.
ReplyDeleteA couple places need tidied up. IMHO, the last line needs broken into two short sentences and in the third paragraph, you need to work some magic.
Example:
In a game, you don't get all wobbly thinking about the girl you loved, how she's gone crazy. You just save your friend. You level the gun. You see the Blastercon right there in your sites.
Strong voice, strong emotional conflict. I could've used some dialogue tags to start; not too sure what they were conversing about, but such is the case with excerpts.
ReplyDeleteOverall very, very good. :)
I'm pretty confused, I guess. But I like the video game aspect, how he thinks like a game - very cool. :)
ReplyDeleteI agree about adding some dialogue tags, but I liked how you built that connection between his occupation and the scene. It added a whole other dimension to this.
ReplyDeleteVery good. One nitpicky problem: I believe the word you are using is spelled 'sights.' 'Sites' are places - like 'the site of Ancient Troy' or something like that.
ReplyDeleteBut the actual content? Epic. I take it this is the climax?
I like the way he compares shooting in video games to real life. I agree with the others that you need more dialogue tags. When you tag with "she said" you use a comma and lower case "s"--see line "You're the one letting Max bleed to death," she said. The actual shooting and aftermath is a little rushed. You might extend it a bit.
ReplyDeletenice!
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