Miss Snark's First Victim
The names slow me down - I'm not a fan of names early on - but I'd keep reading!
Haha. I love the last part, but I do agree the names stumble me a little.
I agree with the comments about the names but it's a minor stumbling point. Otherwise I like this intro!
I also agree about the names, but I like the character's voice. Hooked!
Nice start! Plenty of conflict to keep the reader interested.
Good job, even with the clunky names!
Yep, I agree that the names slowed it down - firstly because there are two names in the one sentence, which I struggled with, but also because they're unusual names so I stumbled on them. But other than that I LOVE it. Good job.
Rather than telling us this, why not show us your MC in this situation so we can see Saeda slap Yuu ourselves.Doing that would introduce your characters as more than names and it would also put us in a location which helps to ground us in your world.
It works for me. I love the title, too. Makes me think of Anime artists duking it out.
I like it. Does the main character always think of the named characters by their entire names? Is this a cultural thing that will be used through the entire novel? If the names were shortened the first sentence would have worked better for me.
I liked it, but the names were a bit difficult for me.
As with the other commenters, I like it but stumbled on the names.PatEsden makes a good point. If you shortened the names to one name for each character, it would flow better and make for less stumbling. Maybe none.
I like this. Leaves me wondering who these folks are, and why he deserved slapping. I'd keep reading to find out.The names do pull me out, but I think it's just because they are long names. If it was 'Bob' and 'Mary' I don't think I would blink.
I agree with the names, unless as PatEsden said, your narrator always thinks of these characters by their full names. Otherwise it sounds a bit unnatural to me. I'd use one of their names each. Other than that, it's good. I'd read on to find out why he was slapped and see if I agree that he deserved it :-)
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