Thursday, June 3, 2010

Tiny Drop the Needle #1

TITLE: Job Hunted
GENRE: Suspense

When an embezzler under investigation is assassinated before Toni's eyes, she rushes to track the killer. Toni's mission is thwarted when the victim's house explodes, leaving Toni battered but alive.

She shrugged her shoulders out from under the padded straps and winced as the tinkle of glass accompanied the meatier crunch of grinding metal. The laptop, in its lightweight, foam-lined aluminum case booted up without issue. The camera, tripod, audio amplifier, and other items located in the outer compartment were destroyed. She pulled out the twisted body of the spotting scope, careful not to cut herself on the jagged edges, and let out a small groan.

Filling out the loss paperwork was going to be a real bitch.

She reached into her pocket to grab her phone. She didn't know which was worse, telling Mike she'd nearly been killed by an exploding house, or that she'd wrecked almost $10K worth of equipment. The argument became moot when her fingers found nothing but grit and pocket lint.

The cold rush of alarm set her tortured skin tingling. Toni's hands fluttered against her clothes like deranged moths battering a porch lamp as she searched her body for the AWOL device.

Damn it! She pulled herself up the wall for a better view of the area.

Debris littered the sidewalk. Bits of glass, wood, and--wrapped around the nearest car's antenna--singed green carpet blanketed the blast site. Larger items: the television, couch, and refrigerator, were boulders deposited by a retreating glacier in the centre of the street. Most of the detritus was piled against the base of the condominiums. Like snowflakes from hell, millions of glass shards sparkled in the afternoon sun.

6 comments:

  1. The writing is nice. I don't find any problems with structure and everything flows well. I was a bit confused, but that's probably just from coming in during the middle of the action. Are the padded straps a backpack?

    The only line I didn't like was "the cold rush of alarm..." it seemed forced. But I love the last line, the snowflakes from hell one.

    Nice job.

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  2. Passive voice/double-verbs in ‘…were destroyed…’ and ‘…she’d nearly been killed…’ This needs fixed.

    Good voice, I liked it very much. I am not a reader of suspense but I liked the tone. Especially the second paragraph..lol.

    Maybe some sentences need tightened, such as ‘She grabbed her phone…” instead of ‘She reached into her pocket to grab her phone.’ But that is subjective opinion. :)

    Excellent descriptions in the last paragraph, but again, I would tighten some of the adjectives. But for pity’s sake, leave that last sentence! Excellent, excellent!

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  3. I liked snowflakes from hell.
    I would have liked in the lead in to know what her job is, so I understood what she was doing in this fine mess.

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  4. Great descriptions here, very hooky! I'd read more!

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  5. The story caught and held my interest.

    The laptop - in its case - booted up with no problem.

    Did this happen by itself? Did she open the case and do it? And if so, why?

    I did think she should look around at the damage before thinking about paper work and where her phone was. It seemed liked that's what most people would do. You always have that WTF? moment before you jump back into reality, but overall, I liked it.

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  6. I realize we're dropping in on the scene without much backstory, but I was confused how Toni could have survived the explosion with her clothes intact, but her cellphone was pulverized.

    And she apparently had jumped into a well for protection.

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